Different stadium, different team ...

Originally uploaded by ...like a chimp with coconuts
This is Superbowl Sunday. As a person without a TV, this day means very little to me. In fact, it was only yesterday that I found out which teams were playing !

Statistically, on this day, it has been reported that the highest number of domestic violence incidents occur, with the primary accomplice being alcohol.

During my alcoholic years, the Superbowl was a gigantic reason to have a party and to drink excessively. And I often didn't know who was playing then, either! It would be highly unlikely that I ever watched a single play, other than to drink when I heard people cheer about a touchdown. And, after awhile, any day, at any time, for any reason was an excuse to get drunk.

So, as folks around America and the world settled down with their party snacks and beverages, a great percentage being alcoholic, I was making a quiet dinner for myself, by candlelight, and then read and then left for the Sunday night AA meeting.

There were only a handful of us in attendance compared to the usual crowd -- perhaps a dozen. And yet, we had enough "players" to make one helluva meeting ! It really was quite special, for a number of reasons. The speaker who was supposed to be there canceled because he wanted to watch the Superbowl! Instead, a woman new to our area but not to AA volunteered to share her story. She was riveting. And very very funny. The best line I've heard in quite some time in her share was this: "This is the paradox of alcoholism. You believe you are a piece of shit AND the world should revolve around you !" The ultimate in descriptions of us AA's: bottom-of-the-barrel self-esteem and sky-rocketing self-centeredness !

I related to that paradox SO much, on so many levels. Self-deprecation permeated every fiber of my being AND I believed that I was a victim of everyone, so I should be given my just due. Simultaneously, I felt undeserving AND entitled. I can see how sick it was to live like this. To be in a self-imposed prison and blame everyone else for being locked up!

The most beautiful piece of being at this meeting tonight, however, was witnessing a newcomer -- with just 1 week of sobriety. She raised her hand and said that she was an "alcoholic" for the very first time. I had chills. I knew that feeling all too well, just a year ago. The whole room fell hush, yet was holding her completely. She trembled as she spoke, tears falling down her face, and the chairperson immediately began a list passed around to all the women in the meeting so we could put our names and numbers on it for her.

It takes such a courageous heart to admit powerlessness. And then it takes willingness to keep coming back. Thankfully, there is a community of people that have walked these very steps that can carry you for awhile until you can walk steadier. Many of us spoke to this young woman at the end of the meeting and you could see her "deer in headlights" look, quite shaky, disoriented perhaps. Each of us shared our favorite meetings and circled them in the book for her. There is always the hope that this person will return and want to play on "our team".

It is incredible to return home, on a Superbowl Sunday night, sober and safe. Knowing I will be able to get up tomorrow morning without a problem, no reason to "call out". More so, I am simply grateful to have had a meeting to go to tonight and to know there are alternate options in a different stadium, on a different team.

The Gods of Winter

In my Impersonal Movement practice today,  I went to the part of the practice in which we go to the areas we are drawn to,  "The Gods".    I did this part outside and brought my camera to capture the experience.   I felt a different relationship to wintry sights and textures and sounds; I paid no attention to the temperature or the fact that my hands had gone slightly numb afterwards.  My "story"  about winter was not present.   It was really quite exquisite.

The Gods of Open-Heartedness

The Goddess of Clear Seeing

The Gods of Protection

The Gods of Buried Secrets

Snowed In ...

Warmhearted
Originally uploaded by mattsaxey
The idea of having nowhere to go and the only company being me would have been a very anxiety-producing prospect in the past. Today, after 18 inches or more of snow piled up, I embraced the idea of a cozy winter shack-up with just me, myself, and I.

I made an intention today to work with the question from my healing yesterday: "How can I be valuable to me?" There was not a more perfect playing field, so to speak, than being indoors for the better portion of a full day with myself to live in the answer to that question.

The ways I valued myself today included:
- sleeping in and giving myself ample rest
- making a nutritious breakfast and my favorite coffee
- letting myself have fun and work at a leisurely pace to grade my students' papers and to work on curricula for the week, even sending them humorous emails
- talking to people that I love -- conversations that were meaningful and genuine and not forced or out of obligation
- listening to a Tara Brach podcast
- reading
- making tunafish salad the way my mom used to
- changing my bed linens so I could curl up tonight in clean, fresh sheets
- having an enjoyable steamy shower
- making a great dinner (artichoke ravioli tossed with carmelized onion and garlic in olive oil)
- making time to write and relax as I settle down for the evening

With each task or action I took today, I really listened to myself and my wants and needs before moving too quickly. It felt honoring. There was not one moment today that I didn't enjoy in my own company. This is huge for me. While I have lived alone for quite some time, it has often been frought with anxiety, self-deprecating thoughts, periods of loneliness and self-pity.

In the podcast I listened to today, the timing - as always- was just perfect. It was about freedom. Her opening statement was: "Freedom comes from seeing the truth of oneself and others through the veil." She went on to talk about how the "mask" we're identified with or that we identify others with does not allow us to really see ourselves or them. And that true "seeing" happens in this 3-fold way, based on the teachings of Buddha:
- seeing humanity through compassion
- seeing beauty and goodness through love
- seeing being-ness through present awareness

When I am not "in my story" or hiding behind any kind of "mask", I am very aware that I can and do practice those 3 ways of seeing. And I also recognize how easy it is to get side-tracked, to go into trance, to get in my own way, and to lose sight of my own true nature and that of others. Listening to this today made me think about what happens for me sometimes when I attend AA meetings, as an example. When I am caught up in my story and inauthentic identity, I don't see others' humanity with compassion and instead look at them through the lens of judgment, irritation. I miss the beauty and goodness that is right in front of me, sometimes simply "missing" people period. And, in this state, I do not have present awareness, as I'm operating on auto-pilot, and I do not experience others' being-ness. Sometimes I "check out", daydream, perhaps even dissociate. Last evening, on the other hand, at the meeting where I shared my story, I had a completely opposite experience. I was able to take in some members' painful shares, seeing their place of suffering with a compassionate heart. Every person to me looked beautiful, I felt their goodness -- even guys who I wouldn't normally give the time of day to because I would have a judgment about their appearance or character and this simply fell away. I was very present, so seeing the "being-ness" in the room was palpable, tangible AND it was also something that could not be expressed in words -- like personal and impersonal. This is a practice that I'd really like to adopt on a regular basis.

I am really savoring this time with me and this day. I have such gratitude for the shift I've experienced as a result of sitting in all the muck and mire of unworthiness. It is never pleasant while in the midst of it and I have to always remind myself that to stick with it and fight the urge to run from it will always be worth it. Perhaps now I will re-phrase that to say: "I am always worth it."

I Matter ...

I Shall Fight to Stay Alive
Originally uploaded by Hamed Saber
In the presence of unconditional love, in a space held by my healer, on this path of no worth/worth that I've been traversing for a couple of weeks, I arrived at a place within myself today that seems so simplistic and obvious yet it is something that I have kept myself hidden from for many, many years.

It is the place of ... I Matter.

My repeated patterns, the old tapes, the belief of unworthiness have resulted in valuing and placing worth on everything and everyone else over the rest of my life, over myself. Caretaking and co-dependency and fear of abandonment all have unworthiness at their roots. This is what is spread all over and underneath the soil of my childhood poisoned ground.

A really important connection made today with my healer is how "hiddenness" and "unworthiness" are deeply tied together. I had been writing about making myself smaller, invisible, hidden in the background in relationship to issues of worth. In my childhood, something was always hidden, like my father's alcoholism from the outside world, or the fact that my parents weren't my real parents until the news was sprung on me before my brother was to be born.
From here, as my healer explained, I've been hidden to myself. Not allowing the full expression of my identity, the shame associated for years with my sexual orientation, the people-pleasing done in most of my relationships, the shape-shifting to fit in, the adopting a particular look and appearance out of fear of displeasing my former partner. What I have primarily hidden, however, is how much I matter to my own life, to me. Hearing these words from my healer's lips was bittersweet at first, then just sweet and oh so tender as I could really take in where I have traveled from. And, given that this journey about worth began around financial issues, that too had its place. Not paying attention to money was just one of countless ways I have previously identified that I have made myself less valuable.

The antidote to this, as my healer so lovingly shared with me, is to live my life, here with myself, to the fullest. To ask myself daily: "How can I be valuable to me?" One thing I have become aware of, quite recently, is that I have opened myself up to social invitations that I would normally turn down and I have shown up for others as a friend, where I would normally avoid. I had been, in essence, keeping the bulk of my own life hidden from being experienced, savored, fully embraced.

Interestingly enough, prior to this healing session today, I wrote a question down for myself as I worked with worthiness this week to use as part of my nightly inventory, which is a practice in AA. The question is: "Are the actions I took today in integrity with valuing my worth?" And, to be quite honest, I had great difficulty this week in answering that question. The uncoverings of today's session have helped me to understand why.

Even more intriguing is this: in my Impersonal Movement practice, I have been working with this pair of opposites: Empty/Full. My healer explained to me today that this makes total sense and completely in alignment with my work on worth for this reason: to only live on the side of "empty" is to rely on and look to others to prove my value; to only live on the side of "full" is to "want what I want when I want it" -- a narcissistic place to some extent -- self-centered, all-consuming, not considering others. I lived on this side when I drank. So, in the IM practice, when I "nest" these pairs, I am allowing myself to have this beautiful, 3rd thing arise which helps me to experience a balanced place of my own fullness. Doing this in my practice for the past week or so has helped me to land where I did today.

I feel like I have been given a window seat on this fantastic flight as I learn to spread my wings, take off, and soar into my life. It was like receiving this invitation today to be in my life fully. I even said to my healer, "Am I being greedy or selfish to be wanting to experience more in my life?" And her fabulous reply was this: "People who are actually greedy and selfish don't bother to ask that question!" And, the fact that I am asking is a sign that somewhere in my life, I had been under-valued. This question originates from the place of "not worth it".

To top off all of this, such divine timing it is, I had the great honor tonight of getting to tell my story at an AA meeting that I regularly attend. A number of my friends from the rooms were there, including my first sponsor. On the heels of this wonderful healing session today, this is the place I spoke from tonight. There was no thinking, no struggle about what I would say or how I would come across; there was simply no efforting whatsoever. The sharing after touched me deeply. I felt present and very alive and incredibly grateful to be a part of this community tonight -- in a way that I have not before.

I matter.

And unlike my experience earlier this week with the "worth mantras", I actually believe these words and feel them down to the tips of my toes.

I matter.

The gift I get to open everyday

Beginnings. . .
Originally uploaded by Creativity+ Timothy K Hamilton

Over and over, we begin again.
~ Banana Yashimoto

This was part of my daily reflection from Hazelden that I get emailed to me:
"Yesterday, we did the best that we could. Yesterday is over. We have slept. We think we know some of what today will hold. We may boil water in the same kitchen, take the same route to work, see some of the faces we usually see. At the meeting we attend, we'll hear the familiar readings; take comfort from hearing the words we've heard before. Perhaps our shoulders, hunched with any tensions we're experiencing, will drop at the sound of those accustomed words, and we'll relax.
Along with the predictable, there may be a thousand unexpected experiences; a new color in the sky, a smile answering our own, a phrase of music, a sense of willingness rising within us to do something differently.
Let's take some deep, slow breaths and begin the day with faith that whatever it brings, we'll be present for it.
This day is a gift that recovery has given to me."

The only thing promised to me is that when I wake up, I have the opportunity to open the gift, as the affirmation says above, of having another day -- sober, to start over again. I love something my sponsor says when we're about to end one of our calls: "After we hang up from this conversation, it will already be in the past." It is really a reminder about letting go of one moment and moving into the next moment. And that this too is a gift that is offered to each of us, at any point in the day. I am learning this more and more in my recovery and my healing.

I shared with my love last night in a phone call that this work on "worthiness" is kicking my butt. Just the disclosing of that and opening up the door to my feelings around it in that moment, brought up such rawness and tenderness. And after we hung up, I let myself feel those feelings and made a decision to "enter a new moment". My conversation, my worthiness emotions could now be in the past. I had been wanting to see the student feedback from my Fall research classes and had received an email that the summaries were ready to be viewed online. I sat at the computer and took in their comments. I was blown away. Many students wrote this line: "She is the BEST teacher ever. The social work department needs to keep her!" A lot of students wrote about my sensitivity, my attention to diversity, and being caring, listening. One student wrote: "Loved her. Loved her. Loved her." What a transition in this moment, from a previous place of feeling my tender heart in terms of making amends to myself for all the years of allowing unworthiness to feeling my tender heart in receiving my students comments and their validation of the passion for me that is being with them, at home, in the classroom.

In the space of one hour, not worth/worth can be held. And in one moment, one can be let go and in another moment, one can be let in.

I need to be reminded that I am at choice at every turn at any moment of my day. I don't have to "hold onto" something, when I can easily choose to set it free and move into another moment. I forget this very quickly. This is what Tara Brach refers to when we step out of presence and go into "trance". She too offers reminders that when we really practice presence, we will develop an internal mechanism that alerts us to when we are in trance, allowing us to "come out of it" and back into a state of presence.

Today is a brand new opportunity for me. The rawness of unworthiness is in the past in this moment. An openness to possibility to experience something else is here right now. I did awake today with lingering feelings from the past few days and when I shifted from that moment to deciding to pray, then to light incense, then to water plants, then to make coffee and have breakfast, and then sit down to write, I can hardly remember what 7:30a felt like.

Thank you G-d for this gift that is here for me to open everyday I am on earth.

To Thine Own Self Be True ...

I thought I saw a puddy cat....
Originally uploaded by law_keven

The subjects of worth and not worth worked in me and through me today, sometimes enlightening me and other times, twisting me from the inside-out. It felt like a quiet demolition crew, a shattering that didn't wreak havoc yet I could feel the aftermath in the noisy pieces that fell in my interior periodically throughout the day.

What I came to understand today is that the old message of "I am not worth it" was the principle operating system in my being for a very long time; in fact, it is presently working, just not at the volume or speed or intensity that it once was. I know where the "shut off" valve is now. This ancient piece of machinery was the motor that enabled "Woe is me" to run for as long as it did.

Bringing worth/not worth more deeply and fully into my awareness today also connected me to a place in my smallest self where this message was first given birth. And I would have flashes of memories all day, vivid images, of how unworthiness appeared and all the ways in which I disregarded my worth by shrinking, hiding, denying, masking, ignoring, lying, deceiving, disappearing. I let myself feel old places of shame, of giving myself away, of helplessness and powerlessness, of freezing up and of shutting down.

When it really came to a head was at tonight's AA meeting. A friend in the program was chairing and celebrating her 2 year AA anniversary. She passed her coin proudly around the room. As I held it in my hand, the words enscripted rung loudly: "To Thine Own Self Be True" . My sponsor had just said these very words to me in our discussion yesterday and I couldn't take them in. As I held that coin tonight, each word echoing and bringing the topic of worth/not worth right in my face, the tears came streaming down. And I raised my hand to share tonight so that I had a place to talk about and to hold these historic, painful feelings about my worth -- so that they could live and that I could really live -- more and more in my authentic, truest self. It was the first time with my AA community that I poured the contents of my tender heart out, no holds barred, tears and snot and vulnerability and honesty out in the open. It was incredibly healing and free-ing.

Tonight's "release" was the result of a 2 week culmination of feelings bubbling and coming to a surface from sitting with a trusted group of Kabbalistic classmates, my "circle of women" , who helped me to pry open a very heavy, rusty door previously bolting up this buried subject. Since then, it's been dusted off and given its due place out in the atmosphere and in my conscious awareness and among fellow travelers.

Our story is our story until it is no longer our story.

The tension in my shoulder that had been drilling into me is no longer there. The deep knot in my belly has come undone. There is a lightness in my chest where there had been a great weight. I am incredibly exhausted and yet I can't not write. Holding in is no longer an option for me these days. Robert Frost captures it best: "Something we were withholding made us weak, until we found out it was ourselves."

I will re-visit my worth mantras that I created this morning. And I will repeat them as often as necessary until they are credible and are my truth. And I will make it a point to carry my AA coin in my pocket, so that I can regularly look at those powerful, healing words: To Thine Own Self Be True.

Worth It

abandoned
Originally uploaded by leafy
This came across my path today: "Doubt is the RUST of life. It leaves you in paralysis and then decay. Take one step today on the path your heart knows is just right for you."

This is on the heels of a steeped-in-reality discussion with my sponsor yesterday. We always get what we need.

This led me to working with some "Worth" mantras, as I listen attentively to my heart's utterings.

I am worth this moment.

I am love-worthy.

I am worth taking a chance.

I am worthy of abundance.

I am worth living life to its fullest.

I am worthy exactly as I am.


As my sponsor so wisely shared with me, look at all possible paths when you come to the fork in the road. Instead of being stuck, unable to move because of self-doubt, I will take a few steps forward, to where I've not ventured before. I will look through the lens of my heart and not just what's in eye's view on the surface. I will move as I am guided, taking the next right action, and not because of what will be pleasing to others.

The paths I choose to travel on and each subsequent step I take are because I am worth it.   I am aware in this moment that my intention is from a place of sincerity,   rather than where I may have come from in the past in doing this kind of exercise -- from a place of having seen myself as a victim or from a place of arrogance.    I feel my openness and my tenderness and my desire to live in truth here.

I need to hear myself say these mantras out loud. I'm aware it may take some time until I will actually believe them.