Happy, joyous, free ...

joyous
Originally uploaded by Rick Elkins/away

Last night was the final Thursday that I would chair for the month of October at my favorite women's AA meeting. The reading I chose was from one of the Big Book authors who followed up her story in a Grapevine article, nearly 20 years later. The title of the article was: "Don't take our word for it" . It was her reflections on how working this program of recovery really works and how she has experienced the gifts of joy and laughter and freedom. She spoke about the key to these gifts being the use of our "inner searchlight" -- a willingness to look closely within ourselves and, that by doing so, the outside world will begin to reflect our work on the inside. The title has to do with the fact that each of us must experience this for ourselves -- to really know what is possible. It is one thing to hear the stories of strength and hope and recovery from others in the rooms and it's something completely different to feel and know these things to be true for oneself.

When I walked through the doors of AA again this past January, I was, to some extent, broken --very vulnerable and lacking any solid foundation of recovery. My kabbalistic healing work prepared me for immersing into my AA program. It has helped me to build a spiritual framework for living my life with the goal of being whole. AA compliments the kabbalistic work by adding supportive beams to the framework and providing me with the tools - literally and figuratively - to productively work on the construction of the house that is me, from the inside-out.

I shared last night that my life has done a 360 turn in the past 10 months; it is not a "chicken or the egg" debate in terms of was it the culmination of the kabbalistic work that made this possible or the diligent working of an AA program but rather, they have co-arisen within me.

My desire for wholeness has included the 12 steps and living a life that is getting more balanced. The shifts that have occurred for me have a lot to do with putting the recovery principles hand-in-hand with my kabbalistic practice: admission of powerlessness & surrendering (Hod); trusting and believing in a power greater than myself and listening to my God-voice when taking an action (Tiferet); asking for help and connecting with the group/fellowship when I understand that I can't do this alone;  owning my part and making amends (Yesod); going regularly to meetings, reading literature, doing the step work ... working a structured program for living (Gevurah); living life on life's terms and being in the flow of my life (Chesed); celebrating a new freedom and a new happiness in how I relate to the world and others and understanding "The Promises" (Netzach); and lastly, being seated in integrity and practicing these principles in all my affairs, from the truth of myself (Malchut).

All most of us really want for ourselves in life is to be happy, joyous and free and what I am coming to understand from both my kabbalistic and AA work is that it is ours for the asking, it is here and always has been. It is ME who has been the barrier. No one else. When I can get out of my own way, I can experience all of these things and then some.

Growing up ...

growing up
Originally uploaded by amburrr d.

Over the past 2 weeks, I have been "unpacking" my selfishness in all of its forms: self-seeking, self-centeredness, and, most importantly, self-pity. The latter being the most insidious, weaving its vine-like self in places that are not always visible yet, when eventually felt by others, is a strangle-hold -- the impact of which is significant.

I have done a lot of unwinding and detoxing from the poisonous soil I was brought up in which caused damage all the way to the tips of my roots. The first leg of this work was to understand the origins ... the woundings of my mother and father. The impact of being adopted. My fears of the unknown as a result of experiencing layers of abandonment. My alcoholism and other behaviors associated with avoidance of pain and of feeling. My co-dependency and all the ways I gave myself away. And, as I learned today in an incredible session with my kabbalistic healer, my victim-hood in all of the above and how deeply embedded this was until recently.

My healer explained that children who are raised in alcoholic or other versions of chaotic homes miss the natural developmental stage of expressing selfishness ("I want, I want, I want" ). Instead, we are forced to grow up very quickly. Put our needs and wants aside. Be passive. Be submissive. These kinds of qualities are the "nega" version of the branch on the Tree known as Hod. As we get older, we develop huge resentments towards others for "missing out" on getting to be a kid. Wherein lies the ugly beginnings of victimization. Of self-pity. Of blaming others for our troubles. Or as my healer so aptly named: "The Woe Is Me" stage . And this is the identity that I took on for the majority of my life. And it crept into nearly every relationship, difficult interaction. It was my system of operation. And, the really wild thing is this: I couldn't friggin' see it. Until now. My healer explained that because it was embedded so deeply in me, it was a blindspot. And it is only in the process of waking up, having a willingness to really look at myself within in a way that I had been too terrified to do before, that enabled this seemingly hidden sore to be seen clearly and vividly.

A very recent heartfelt amends to someone I love with all of my heart was about this very dynamic. How my victimness seaped into our relationship and deeply impacted this person. How I took us both hostage from this place. I never want to terrorize another person I care for in this way again.

When you're "in it", up to your eyeballs in a pile of victim shit, everything is murky, muddy and fuzzy. There is no clarity. I had the belief that no one could meet me. No one saw me. No one understood what I had endured. No one would treat me in the ways that they did if they felt like me. What about me ?? This particular form of selfish behavior was a self-imposed prison.  And if you got close enough,  you too were behind bars.  And then there was the trap door that led directly into my head. This was the engine room that fueled the behavior. Here's a typical conversation that took place up there: "_____ didn't call me. I didn't even get a text back. Do they think I'm supposed to take this? Fuck them. I deserve to be treated better than this. See if I care. Let 'em go find another sucker to be their friend. I'm outta here." My mind had razors that would cut you at every turn. But then, here's the twisted part: my fear of abandonment would kick in simultaneously, so when that friend finally called or texted, I pretended that nothing bothered me. I'd even go as far to say things like: "I've been SO busy! You caught me on a good day!" I did this to put a band-aid on my victimized bruises. Which were self-inflicted !

My healer shared with me today that one of the helpful tools to combat this is the ability to make room for when we are feeling "small", like a "little kid" and to be gentle with ourselves in kind. I'm learning this, baby step by baby step. In AA, there are additional tools: taking ownership and responsibility for our own behavior by doing a regular self-inventory of our behavior and to make amends, preferably as soon as we are aware that we've caused harm (10th step).

I am grateful beyond words to have found the willingness to want to look at myself -- at the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between. To continue to awaken and open my eyes wider. To venture to the places that scare me and be supported by unconditionally loving, accepting people in my life who help me to be fearless and honest and real. And to become my better self (progress not perfection!)   This is true freedom -- for myself and for those around me. 

It is a relief to finally be growing up...

Dignity ...

B&W Homeless Portrait, Vancouver | SMC Takumar 50/1.4
Originally uploaded by dubesor
As I was returning up the street from my walk with Iman, I went to deposit her poop bag in the nearby dumpster and inadvertently startled a homeless man who was rummaging for food. I asked him how he was doing and he didn't look up from his mission. He looked very gaunt and shaky.

I quickly walked Iman back into the house and as swifttly as I could, I gathered some easy-to-grab food items: trail mix bars, apples and made a hearty sandwich. I put them all in a large ziploc bag and ran very quickly around the corner to the dumpster in hopes that he would still be there. And he was. I quietly said: "Excuse me, sir. Would you like to have some things to eat?" And he looked up into my eyes and just said "Yes" and I handed it to him. I then walked down the street to the man who sells newspapers, as I wanted a Sunday Inquirer and as we stood there having a conversation about the playoffs (he was wearing a Yankees cap and I commented on how brave he was to do so in the heart of Philly territory!), the homeless man walked across the street, munching happily on the sandwich and he said: "God bless you" and continued on his way.

I have no idea what it is like to be homeless or what it takes to seek out food and other basic survival items living out on the streets. What I understood today was this: being able to hand this man food that he could carry with him would at least temporarily help preserve his dignity -- if only for today. The fact that I was discarding a bag of dog shit in the same place he was desperately searching for his sustenance just didn't feel right or humane or dignified.

I am reminded by this interchange today of how many people in recovery experience incredible, undignified "lows". This is where the cunning, baffling, powerful pull of alcohol (or any substance for that matter) can take us. I don't know what the circumstances were for the man I met today and perhaps there was a time when he had a home and enough to eat. And hopefully, his situation will change and he will see that again.

During my alcoholism, my hygiene, my behavior and my morals sunk to incredible lows. That I would smell the crotches of soiled or stained jeans to see which pair was the most tolerable to wear because I wouldn't spend my booze money on wash is one such example -- something I couldn't even fathom doing today. Or drinking leftover beers the morning after a party. Having sex with an ex-con and not using any protection. These were my "dumpster" moments. Nothing to be proud of or to hold my head high over. Just "what was" at that time period.

And I am overwhelmingly grateful for "what is" today.

No member left behind ...

Fright Flight of the Snow Geese
Originally uploaded by Fort Photo

The marvel of how geese travel is the fact that their flight formation is such that when one goose trails behind, it is the sum total of the gaggle's wing power that can carry this member.

This also happens to be true in the AA community.

A woman in this morning's meeting shared how she loves the phrase in the rooms "Stay in the middle of the herd" , knowing that when she strays too far out on the periphery, such as not regularly making meetings or working her program, she is most susceptible to putting herself in harm's way. The lagging goose in the V-formation who's in need of help at least should be commended for making the effort to be with all the others on the flight. If we're not making meetings or talking with a sponsor or making an effort toward the steps of the program, we haven't even made it to lift-off. That's where I was for 16 years ... at ground zero. After deciding that I could do a solo flight and coast through the skyway of my life. After many a near crash-landing, it is a relief and pure joy to be flapping my recovery wings amid the other soaring beauties I meet time and time again in meetings.

The women's meeting I attended last evening was a prime example of how no members go unnoticed or unheard or unseen or in any other way, left behind. Sometimes this occurs in obvious acts of kindness or behind-the-scenes or in the "meeting after the meeting". I am often in awe when I can take a step back and clearly watch the power of the group in its exquisite unfolding to support a member who is in need of being lifted up. This happens when a member is in a raw place and is given the non-judging space to just "be" in her messy stuff. It is the keenly aware member who knows at first glance that another is not doing well and ensures to get a seat right next to her or even stepping outside to keep her company when it's too hard at the moment to be vulnerable in the group. It is the invisible yet powerfully felt group hug that embraces a member who courageously confesses to picking up a drink. Or the members who make sure that a newcomer has a list of names and numbers of plenty of women to call upon in early sobriety.

When we rely on the power of the group, we are really putting our trust and faith in God. And this enables each of us to do the part we can; some of us have larger, longer wingspans while others have sharp vision and others still with steady endurance. No one has to be completely in control or in the lead or do all the care-taking. This is what the "I am responsible ..." statement that is sometimes read after meetings is all about. It goes on to say ... "and I want the hand of AA to always be there..."

As I write about this, I am aware of the positive influence of the AA group conscience and consciousness on my daily living. I am a more present and committed worker and a more reliable, dedicated friend. I am no longer isolating. I take an interest in others not from the place of wanting to care-take but because I want to show up and be there. 2 women from last night's meeting drove a ways to attend this morning's meeting, as I was talking about it last night over pizza and invited them to come. After the meeting was over this morning, they asked if I would like to get a bite to eat. For about 2 brief seconds, my mind went to creating an excuse for why I couldn't go. And I caught myself. This was old behavior involving being protective of personal time, not having enough for me. I smiled in this recognition in the moment and graciously accepted the offer. The time spent was delightful, if not invaluable. One of these women just started coming back to meetings after an 8 year relapse and she is now just 2 weeks sober. The other, 4 years sober and new to the area and struggling with living in a new place and re-entering a new AA community. As I said goodbye to both of them, nearly 2 hrs later, I felt a warmth surge through me. It was about knowing the choice I made versus the choice I almost made today. It was about continuing to move my wings, even when I'm tired, and experiencing the joy of seeing my fellow travelers moving their own, as best as they can. It is also the awareness that someday, somewhere I am going to need the wingpower of others when I cannot do it alone. And it could very well be one of these women right next to me.

Who's sitting next to you ?

I may not be the most important person in your life ...
Originally uploaded by ~Boxica ♥
In my favorite women's meeting, I have been granted the incredible honor to chair this month. As a theme of sorts, I've been selecting readings by women who've authored articles in the AA Grapevine. Tonight's reading was entitled: "The Home Group: Who's sitting next to you?"

The article is about the author's experience of being out of town and going to a meeting and not being acknowledged by any of the members. She experiences the feeling of being an outsider and the fact that no one has bothered to find out who she is, let alone what might be going on for her, such as being a newcomer, being suicidal, having been sent by the courts, etc... She went on to say that regardless of how invisible she felt, she had gratitude simply because a meeting existed for her to attend and to stay sober for one more day.

I am deeply grateful for this particular women's meeting and the fact that every person who walks in the door, especially if they are a new face, is openly embraced, made to feel like they are the most important person in the room. I related to the experience of the author of this article when I first entered the rooms of AA and hid out in the back. No one approached me. No one knew my story, nor seemed to care to. I, on the other hand, could recognize tonight that I too had a responsibility to introduce myself so I could be seen, to reach out and to ask for help. The other side of the coin is that there are meetings which have cliques, the members of which do not reach out to new folks outside of their circle. This too has been my experience recently at a particular women's step meeting. I have attended this meeting at least 4-5 times and when I go to the nearby cafe to get a cup of coffee and I see women from the meeting and wave "hello", I've been hardly acknowledged by some. This is a meeting that does have cliques and that does not warmly welcome a new face. Some women do not even say "Hi", even when I've said it to them. I shared tonight that these kinds of encounters could keep me stewing and stuck in a place of being a "victim" and that is not the story I want to play a part in any longer. I recognize that I have a choice about what meetings I want to attend, what feels right, what is in my best interest. I don't have to hold a resentment, have my ego bruised; I can simply let the experience go and move on.

More importantly, as a member of a familiar meeting group, I have a responsibility to meet and greet the new person walking into the room and to make them feel welcome and accepted. And, I also have a responsibility to pay attention to my fellow members in the room and check in to see how they are, as one member shared tonight -- "to see where they are in their sobriety".

We never know what the state of another member is sitting next to us if we don't take the time to really notice them. Sometimes there are huge, heavy weights that they are carrying and need us to help lighten the load. Or to have an ear or a hand to hold. In tonight's meeting, there were no exceptions. A couple of women entered our room tonight for the first time and had only 2 weeks of sobriety. A "regular" who was visibly shaken at the start of the meeting tearfully and humbly shared how her 8 years of sobriety was squelched after picking up a drink and that tonight, she had just 24 hours. These women are the most important people in the room. They are the visible reminders to each of us about the fragility of sobriety and the reason why we keep coming back and the invaluable gift of the fellowship.   

And then there's the women who are regularly enduring incredible hardship who you wouldn't necessarily know what is happening for them unless you struck up a conversation with them.   In this women's meeting alone,   there are women who are bearing seemingly unbearable grief.   There are women who are battling serious illness.   Some who are taking care of aging,  sickly parents.   Others who are just trying to stay afloat as they juggle and balance relationships and children and finances.    And they are all doing it without taking a drink and that's why they continue to come to meetings.

Something that hit me tonight was that there were 3 women in this very room who were the first people to welcome and greet me when I returned back to AA this past January. They made me feel like it was completely okay to come back home -- like they were waiting for me all this time. I had the chance to thank each one of them tonight for their kindness. I know what it's like to be treated like the most important person in the room. And that's what I can now give back to others.

Coming into bloom ...

♪♫♪ The sun will come out tomorrow ♪♫♪
Originally uploaded by cattycamehome


It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.
~ e.e. cummings


I am becoming more aware of how I am growing into my truer self, from the inside - out.

I've made it almost to the other side of my messy phase of growing out my hair and as it gets longer and is able to be styled, I am appreciating my thick, salt & pepper hair even more. I am no longer rebelling against people in my life who wanted me to wear it a particular way to "fit" a picture of how I should look. The clippers have had their place and they can now rest comfortably for awhile. My hair is an outgrowth, no pun intended, of the place inside of me where I am not pretending nor protecting but instead am "allowing".

A friend who I had dinner with tonight made a comment about my femininity and wondering what was happening to me. I am not sure if this was about seeing changes in me because we've not gotten together in a couple months or that perhaps it is truly the first time he has truly seen ME. A couple hours later, a woman at my AA meeting approached me to see if I'd be interested in trying out some of the clothes that she designs, further commenting that she would not have considered me for this when she first met me in the rooms but has been noticing how I am letting more of myself show in the clothing choices I've been making of late. These comments validated for me the contrast between how much of myself I hid - behind clothes, behind a mask, behind a facade of myself - and the transformation that can occur when I clean and straighten up the inside of me and make room and how this carries over to reupholstering my exterior.

My students at the University have noticed these changes and will periodically remark about an outfit or the jewelry I am wearing and I realize that this is not about the items themselves at all but instead it is about the fact that when I come forward to let myself be seen, these items like clothing or jewelry have a place to be showcased. It's like the formerly unremarkable car that's been washed and polished and now you notice the fabulous hood ornament or the shiny hubcaps !

Previously, I avoided mirrors. I would do a drive-by just to see if my outfit was on properly (i.e. shirt tucked in) and I didn't linger there to take in anything else. I have not swung the other direction to the point where I am narcissistically obsessing over my appearance and yet, I am hanging out a little longer these days to notice who is there in front of me, without wrinkling my face or being uncomfortable and actually appreciating who and what I see.

It is a huge deal for me to write about these kinds of self-observations, having lived in a very secluded, self-deprecating place for the greater portion of my time here on earth. When I was younger, it was deeply painful to be in my body -- the utter loathing, my unlovability permeating every part. While I was drinking, my self-care was compromised. My hygiene, my appearance, my manner of dress were the lowest priorities during this time. After coming out as a lesbian, I had confusion about what I was supposed to be after so many years of conditioning about what women are to look like and act like. My insides didn't match my outsides, as my kabbalistic healer would say. This is due to the fact that I relied on the outside to tell me how I was supposed to think and feel on the inside. I had this sense that I liked clothes and other aspects of appearance to be a little bit feminine and yet there was a tomboy screaming inside. A job with a dress code and then a partner who had her own idea of how I should look found me dressing and looking like I was perpetually masquerading. I felt unnatural and yet complied because that's what was expected of me to be pleasing.
And as I got a little more of myself, the rebelling began and this was not the truth of myself either. And deeper I went into hiding, camoflauge. Clipper shears got closer and closer to my scalp and clothes got baggier and more masculine. I lost myself. Come to think of it, I don't know if I ever was truly found prior to all of this.

It is hard to believe that at the ripe age of 47, I'd just be discovering who I am. And it is also deeply humbling. And the mystery of the unfolding process is incredibly exciting. I am liking the feeling of each shoot, each tiny petal as I am coming into bloom...

It's all about me ...

day 19
Originally uploaded by kygp
At the Big Book Study meeting I attended last night, the chairperson chose a few paragraphs from "How it works", specifically focused on selfishness and all its forms: fear, self-centeredness, self-pity, self-seeking.

The sharing that followed could have brought the entire room to its collective knees.

One man spoke about how he sat alone everyday at lunch while in high school. He believed, with all of his heart, that everyone at the other tables were talking about him. To cope, he turned to alcohol.
He was convinced that this was the remedy and now he would be liked. It is only now, after work with his sponsor and reading the Big Book, that he has come to understand that this was self-centered behavior.

A woman shared how it wasn't until she did her 4th & 5th steps and took a good hard look at the lists and her sponsor pointed at each resentment and asked her "And what was YOUR part?" that it hit her like a ton of bricks that she actually created each and every one of those situations that she wanted to blame others for. And this was her wake-up call to looking at selfish behavior.

The sharing that struck a chord with me the most was a man who spoke about the words of wisdom of his sponsor when he first entered AA who said to him: "If your motivations involve fear and are not about caring for another, it is selfishness." He spoke about the ways he withheld from his daughters and from others in terms of money, time, love. He wanted to make sure there was enough left for him. He remarked about his own selfishness being a barrier to being able to be fully there as a father, as a friend.

I came to this meeting on the tails of my own self-inventory re: a relationship with a friend that's become distant. When I shared, I spoke about the recognition I've had for myself about the ways I protect myself from being hurt, when I perceive that it's the other person doing it to me. It is part of a cycle of seeing myself as a victim. The truth is, that I am the one who creates the "story" that perpetuates the need to protect that has me put on the armor and move away and ultimately create the distance. The recognition that my self-pity and self-centered thinking is at the root of this was eye opening to say the least. And, it also prompted me to take an action. I called my friend yesterday and invited her for coffee and a swim this morning. I simply asked her:  "Would you be interested in helping to close the gap between us?" And she was delighted. I'll be seeing her shortly.

In kabbalistic healing, selfish behavior can show up in a number of places throughout the "Tree". My healer may say that it is simply "our longing for God and to be whole". For me, I see it as the "nega" place of my poisoned ground where I believed I was not lovable, not worthy, not good enough, too much, in fear of being abandoned. And my subsequent actions when I am in this nega place would most definitely be selfish. They could take the form of overcompensating; pleasing another to hold onto them and to make them like me; "testing" the care of another; making up stories in my head of how I'm being mistreated and then cut people out; isolating and being stingey with my time. The list can go ad nauseum. And, my behavior to "protect" myself from experiencing any of the painful, toxic aspects of my poisoned ground would find me in another area of the tree wielding a protective shield, a phrase coined as: "nega gevurah weaponery" . Having such strict boundaries that they are akin to concrete walls. Believing that someone will take away from me. In Netzach-Hod on the tree, there is something referred to as our "secret garden"; when it is in tact and there are healthy boundaries in this area, we don't have the need to engage in selfish behavior because we are solid in our place, we know who we are with another.  Then there is the behavior of "self-seeking"  and now we're in a place of unhealed Yesod.   Trying to connect to everyone and everything because we don't want to be alone,  don't want to feel.   We are desperate for company,  even if it is in the form of a bottle of booze.

Lastly, when we listen to our "God-voice" and the call of our Future Self to be whole and to heal, it is at this time that we move from selfishness and self-pity to being self-full, generous, open-hearted. I can feel the shift in my own self of wanting to offer of myself to another from a selfless place. To not protect my time but rather see it as an opportunity to connect. This is freedom from selfishness. This is the culmination of "The Promises" in the Big Book. This is our coming home to our true nature and to ourselves and to God. This is where I want to live out the days of my life.