Freeing from the trance of fear ...

84/365 - Eye am staring at you
Originally uploaded by vanessalovee.
I've gotten free of that
ignorant fist that was
pinching and
twisting
my secret self.
The Universe
and the light
of the stars
come through me.
I am the crescent moon
put up over the gate
to the festival.
~ Rumi


I have had the gift today to finish appointments on the early end, allowing me time to pause before going to my Big Book meeting tonight. Before having dinner, I sat and listened to another podcast of Tara Brach: "Freedom in the midst of fear". She spoke to me, to my innermost self, in this powerful lecture. Every word resonated with me.

She spoke about all of the stages that occur when we enter the trance of fear. The first being the contracting our body does in anticipation. The tensing may be so habitual, that we just think that's how our body feels. For as long as I can remember, I have had  a stiff neck. It always hurts. I get some relief when I get a massage or when I swim and then it returns to its state of tightness. I would venture to guess that this is a place in me that regularly houses fear.

She spoke about how anytime when we enter this place of sensing our lone self -- "I am here" -- and then perceive our separation from others, the Universe, G-d -- that this is at the core of our fear. It is about uncertainty, the unknown, the fact of impermanence. Ohhh, did that strike such a chord deep inside of me. I have lived in this place of fear for as long as I can remember. And it really is just recently that I have begun to face this fear head-on, which, interestingly enough, has brought me more into relationship with
G-d.

She spoke of how the next stage is our stories, our thoughts that get spun out of control the more fearful we are. Nailed it, for me. I have written entire novels of suspense and terror in that head of mine. Which usually NEVER come to fruition ! And, from here, she says that we seek refuge and safety in things outside of ourselves (sounds like Yesod territory in Kabbalistic terms). This refuge can be in religion, in addiction, in other people, in busying, in anything that keeps us in a trance, numb to the reality of life and paralyzed by fear.
I have walked many steps in this trance, a zombie to my life. This shaped my entire identity: "Woe is me". This victim-self was ruled by fear. Everyone, everything was either unfair, did not meet me, did not see me, did not value me or was downright mean. To live in this place is to wallow in suffering.

After the tensing, the thoughts, and seeking shelter from fear, comes the emotional acting out. This takes all kinds of forms: jealousy, anger, resentment, defensiveness, saying unkind things, dishonesty, projection, blaming. It is incredible to me that probably every blog entry for my 1st few months of writing had to do with one or more of these states.

I am so aware in this moment that all of these fear-driven emotional behaviors were under the guise of protection for me. In my session with my healer just last week, she commented about my shift from the fear-based place in this way: "We defend, until we don't". This statement makes so much sense in this context. As I heal these fearful places in me, there is no longer a need to protect, therefore to not defend. The guard at the gates of the concrete walls I constructed around my heart is no longer on duty. The walls have crumbled into vulnerable piles of rubble. This softening, this compassion toward myself is what ultimately frees me from the trance of fear.

To be fearless, I am also understanding, is not free of fear but rather it is the awareness of something much bigger than me that holds me and assures me that I am always ok. This is my faith in
G-d, what happens when I turn my will over to this higher power in my life, when I genuinely trust the unfolding of the reality of my life. I want to be in my life - fully awake to it - even when it hurts or is uncomfortable or feels disappointing. The courage, I realize, is in feeling these things, really allowing them to exist -- which is the movement and direction I've been going in and writing about for the past 2 months or so. This feels celebratory -- like the last lines of the Rumi poem above: " I am the crescent moon put up over the gate to the festival" ... shining my light, not cowardly hiding in the shadows, consumed by the fear of the dark.

Freeing from the trance of fear allows me to not lose sight of who I am, the mystery of who I am, my longing for wholeness as I am.

When I am not bound by my fear, I get to be an active participant in life. I can know what peace and serenity feel like. I am a connected friend. I am a present teacher. I am an intimate, passionate lover.

And I'll end,  as I began,  with Rumi and his poignant words :

Move outside the tangle
of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.
Move down
and down,
in always widening rings
of being.

A womb with a view ...

Igloo Dusk
Originally uploaded by pommysheilah

I have had a full day, with many distractions, to let the dust settle on this morning's archeological dig into my interior.

What shed the most light onto the subject of unforgiveness of my abortion at age 21 was a profound experience that occurred during my Impersonal Movement Healing Practice group this afternoon. In the midst of my practice, feeling the solidity in the core of my body, I did not experience the usual "rocking" movement that happens when feeling the "currents" of the space. Instead, I felt a looming yet comforting presence of a being larger than is physically measurable in the space. In this moment, everything slowed down to the point that I had a fleeting thought that my heart had possibly stopped beating. It was like molasses dripping. I then felt myself leaning into a pulse, a kingsize heartbeat if you will, faint at first and then a more resounding and rhythmic thump. Like the bass on a stereo system in someone's car when you are in close proximity. Once my anxiety about this faded, I wanted to remain here all day, not wanting to end the practice.

It was not until much later, on my drive back from cooking dinner with old friends this evening, that this experience I described in my practice revealed more information. I felt like what happened today was the closest experience I would ever have in my conscious, adult life to being in the womb. And that to have this be so vivid and visceral was to enable me to have a view and a kinesthetic experience of what an unborn child might have. And, to take this one step further, this experience today was both personal and quite impersonal. It was like being in the womb of the Infinite Mother. To feel the connection to every fetus who has not yet been born and who has already been birthed and who never arrived here on the earth plane. It was also a deeply felt experience of bonding to a mother's chest, feeling and hearing her heartbeat -- those very experiences that I did not have when I was given away for adoption. And which I could not bear to offer to the tiny fetus that grew inside of me, which had to be literally "cut out". This experience gave me the feeling of "mother" and of "being mothered" all at the same time. This was a true "Forgetting-Remembering" of a very different variety.

And the pangs and tightening in my chest from this morning are no longer here. There isn't any old shame or guilt lingering either. There is an ease and a calm and a peace. I feel cleansed. I feel something has been released. I was given the opportunity today for deep healing in my practice, which brought me to a place of even deeper forgiveness.

And I have the spirit of Mary Magdalene to thank for the gift of her presence and guidance in my card deck today ...

Healing Unforgiveness ...

Mary Magdalene
Originally uploaded by Simon_K
I have a deck called the Goddess Guidance cards which I used to draw from on a weekly basis. I have not done this in over a month. This morning, I was very pulled to draw a card and ask for guidance.
I chose one that I had never picked before: Mary Magdalene.

There are stories circulated about her. She was the one who washed Jesus' feet and she was the one he came to when he arose from the dead. She was also speculated to be a sinner and a prostitute, that she was the secret bride of Jesus. The message about her in my deck of cards is that she is chosen when you want to heal the unforgiveness, the judgments you've had in your life.


I have let myself sit for awhile with the message of this card and allowed myself to be open to what may come up about the people or situations where I still have unforgiveness.
First, what is interesting to me is that I had 2 situations that I wrote about at the start of the weekend, Fri night and yesterday, which involved judgment. Second, I am on the heels of having completed a big piece of work around forgiveness of myself in terms of all that was present that kept me from having a connected relationship with my mother and that in this piece of work, there was forgiveness for her and compassion.

I checked in with myself about my father and I feel like the forgiveness for him and for myself in how I regarded him is now in the past. I would venture to say that this is true about my ex, particularly after writing a letter of amends. I close my eyes and reach in deeper ... there is the unborn child that I aborted after being raped. I feel a lump in my throat and I do not believe I have fully completed a piece of forgiveness in this situation. For the young man who raped me or for myself -- putting myself in harm's way because I was very drunk. And then the choice that I made after.

The abortion, without a shadow of a doubt, was the right decision. To have brought a child into the world in the throws of my alcoholism would have been cruel and unkind. I didn't make the decision, however, at that time for this "bigger picture" reason; I made the decision because I couldn't bear the idea of being pregnant , the shame associated with that because of the rape, nor did I want to stop drinking. Having a baby, in my alcoholic mind, was a barrier to the bottle. That's the ugly, bottom-line truth. Just as Mary Magdalene was considered a sinner by some, I was too by Pro-lifers. I can vividly remember their signs aggressively put in front of me as I walked into the clinic that chilly November morning. My 2 college friends, one on either side of me, pushed through the hostile protestors. This was, for quite a long time, a dirty little secret I stuffed under layers of booze that saturated my insides. To this day, I have only shared this with a handful of trusted people in my life. I never shared this with my mother. My unforgiveness about this situation entered into the time period when I was going through the artificial insemination process with my ex. All the physical tests revealed that I was totally capable of getting pregnant without complication. After 8 attempts and a completely depleted bank account -- financially and emotionally -- we gave up. And what occurred for me in these failures to conceive was that I was being punished by G-d for having committed the sin of aborting a child. And for that, I would not be given the chance to have another. Intellectually and more so now, from my renewed relationship with G-d, I know in my heart that G-d does not punish. That the love I experience from G-d is unconditional. So, perhaps this is all arising at a time I can receive it, so there can be true healing and forgiveness.

The squeezing in my chest as I type is a signal that there is both more and that it is time to pause in this process. I am going to honor what I am being shown and listen to my inner wisdom.

Navigating with my recovery GPS

Vintage C-GPS (Celestial Global Positioning System)
Originally uploaded by Professor Quentin Ziplash

In this morning's meeting, the topic of discussion began with the chariperson using the analogy of how when we get into a car that has a GPS, we are "trusting" that we will arrive at our desired destination. And that, when we trust in G-d on our path of recovery, we will also arrive at where we want to be. A clever member of our group re-named GPS to stand for: "God's Positioning System".

A wonderful discussion ensued after this topic was introduced. One member spoke about how if you let go of the wheel of the car, its trajectory is not in a straight line. You make adjustments and corrections with the steering wheel so that you can remain safely on the road. It is true of our recovery process. If we veer off our desired path, we make certain adjustments in order to get back on the path. That may mean if we've not been going to meetings regularly, that we get to them more consistently. If we've not called our sponsor in awhile, we make a commitment to have better contact. If we're not working our Steps, then a return to them is in order.

My "takeaway" message from the topic of this meeting was about trusting I will be guided in the right direction and in the right path and that I didn't have to worry so much about how I will get there, how fast or even when. Also, that if I do go astray, I will have landmarks that will clue me in to where I need to be headed. And I experienced a version of this in an experience at my gym when I went for a late afternoon swim today.

As I entered the pool area, I noticed it was crowded. Both lap lanes were occupied and the more open area of the pool had 2 other people (the max is 3). I asked these 2 swimmers if it would be alright to share this space and they nodded it was fine. A little while after getting in, another woman entered the pool area. She jumped into our section immediately, exceeding the number permitted and taking up more space than the rest of us. I felt my feathers ruffle and breathed into it. Then, a lap lane came open, and it is the "unspoken rule" that it is offered to who was in our section of the pool first. That would've been the older gentleman who was walking with weights and seemed to be doing his P.T. in the pool. Instead, the woman who abruptly entered our section last, quickly swam underneath the ropes to claim the lap lane. We all looked at one another in disbelief. Again, the irritation rose and I told myself quietly "Trust what is to be here", remembering the morning meeting's discussion on the GPS. The older man got out of the pool and it was just myself and another woman, shortly after a 3rd person entered our section and it was crammed again. As I paused at one end of the pool, a woman occupying the other lap lane paused at that end too. We looked at one another in recognition from this morning's meeting ! She graciously offered me her lap lane, stating that she was tired out and it was simply "the right thing to do" given the crowd at the pool. I was so touched by her gesture. I gleefully swam my laps in deep gratitude for what just occurred. As I began to tire a bit, I caught out of the corner of my eye -- a woman who was sitting on the bench awaiting to get a spot in the pool. It was now my turn to offer what was so freely given to me. I gestured to her and the frown on her face quickly turned to a smile of relief. It felt so genuinely good to do this from a place of just wanting to give for the sake of giving, not from a place of guilt or accommodating.

As I got out of the pool, I noticed there were no towels. Then, the woman from my AA meeting emerged from the jacuzzi and said to me: "Oh, I grabbed the last towel for you when I got mine. It's right over there on the chair." Unbelievable thoughtfulness.

In the past, had I encountered a potentially frustrating situation like this one at the pool, I would've likely handled things very differently. I would've tried to control things, to get my way OR I would've sulked, became disgusted and resentful and perhaps even left the gym. Part of trusting in the GPS, as it was spoken about in the meeting, is that whereever you end up, is where you're supposed to be. It's not a critique of the bumps on the road or the fact that you took a left, when you were sure it was supposed to be a right. And that when there's discomfort or perhaps fear or frustration about the trip or about possibly getting lost, you can trust on a familiar landmark or rest stop along the way. For me, that woman from this morning's meeting in the pool was a calming pit stop, enabling me to slow down and get my bearings. It was smooth sailing after our encounter.

When we are actively in our addictions or even when we are not but are out of control because we believe our self-will knows the best route to go, we will inevitably crash into something - literally or figuratively. In the worst case scenarios, some folks die or kill others and then go to prison. In other situations, we total a car or experience an injury that may make us think twice about our actions in the future. Sometimes, it's that we've come up against some kind of barrier and to keep trying to go through it or over it is a dead-end. Sometimes we'll even speed up to get to where we think we should be headed as fast as possible. No matter the case, when self-will is in the driver's seat, we will wind up being lost, no sense of true direction.

I can feel my relationship more tangibly now to the concept of the GPS and what occurs when I do not trust in the process, in the unfolding of life. Certain realities will knock me off my base, my center. The "machine" in operation that is me might go off onto the shoulder of the road, catching me off guard. It can be startling, even jolting. And that is when I need to turn off the engine. Stop. Pray. Ask for direction. Ask for guidance. Practicing the Steps and working my program is the map. The members of the fellowship are the landmarks along the way. Putting everything into G-d's hands is trusting that I can relax behind the wheel and let my recovery GPS get me to where I need to be.

Accepting Difference

minou & margot
Originally uploaded by Mathieu Struck
To date, being in any room of AA has felt safe, like being at home, a place where I have a sense of belonging. Many folks share this experience.  It's often the reason people keep coming back.

Tonight, at a regular meeting that I attend, this sense of safety/ being at home was challenged.

The chairperson and his speaker, both tout themselves as "cowboys"; one, by appearance only while the other is the real deal, complete with horses and a rodeo background. This information was shared at the onset of the meeting, followed by the speaker making an off-color joke about "Brokeback Mountain". A number of guys who are not regulars to this meeting but came to support the speaker laughed aloud. Most of the regulars did not. I felt a "twinge" in my chest, noting it, and then releasing it. I sat up in my chair with the intention to listen with openness and take in the speaker's story.

About half-way through his sharing, the speaker made more inappropriate comments, with "hits" toward women, seniors. You could feel the tension building in the room. I was simultaneously aware of my own discomfort and what was "here" in the room, yet stretched myself to "get something" of value I could take from the speaker's story. He did soften when he spoke of reconnecting with his daughters. He also talked about how he uses the Prayer of St. Francis, which I related to very much. I wanted to be able to find likeable things about this man. I didn't like the stereotyped judgments that were also present in me about him, like "redneck" and "hillbilly" to name a couple. All of this was here.

When it was time to open up the floor for sharing, the room fell silent. People who were regulars did not raise their hands. Then, a number of the guys who were from the speaker's home group began to share. Many returned to the "Brokeback Mountain" reference. One such member went as far as to say that he likes AA because "it makes us REAL MEN". The last person to share was also a member of his home group. He spoke about how he likes the guys in his regular meeting because he doesn't have to worry about any of them "lookin' at me in a funny way" -- this comment was made after he too made a Brokeback Mountain reference. At this point, I was well aware of the waves of transference that I was riding. I reminded myself that I had a choice to not personalize these comments, nor was there a need for me to defend being gay. This was a by-product of my healing session yesterday, for sure.

At the close of the meeting when it was time to hold hands in the circle to say the serenity prayer, I was to hold the hand of the last man who shared. I took his hand firmly in mine; his, however, went sort of limp, the disconnect very apparent. I felt my feet planted firmly on the floor, saying the words of the prayer with solidness. It felt like I was acknowledging for myself that regardless of the commentary and the ignorance and fearfulness that lied underneath all of it, I knew I belonged in this room as equally as these other men. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. This is ultimately what bonds us when we are in the rooms of AA. Anything else can be turned over to G-d. Or simply let go.

The words of both the Serenity Prayer and the Prayer of St. Francis teach us about accepting difference. I am reminded when I recite the St. Francis one in particular, that I am asking G-d to help me to be the one who understands, rather than understood. That loves rather than seeking to be loved. To be a channel of peace, of harmony. I am grateful to have had the experience tonight to practice these powerful lines and to reap the benefits.

As some regular members gathered after the meeting was over, several approached me and wanted to "stir up" the pot, so to speak, and engage in another form of bashing about what was said. To have participated in this would've been both hypocritical and found me out of integrity. I listened for a few minutes and politely excused myself. In this moment, I remembered a gem my sponsor offered me just a couple of days ago: "Once anything is over, it is already in the past." What transpired in the meeting was indeed a part of the past. I could enter the now.

And, in the now, I choose accepting differences. This affords me spaciousness and room to breathe. It also allows compassion to be here -- for the men I encountered, for myself, for the regular members, and for those I have not yet met who may be different from me. I will ask G-d to hold us all when I pray before going to sleep tonight.

Choosing Life, Pt 2 ...

At the Feet of an Ancient Master
Originally uploaded by premasagar

In the synchronicity of my life, I meet up with the friend this morning who introduced me to Tara Brach's Radical Acceptance. She has the actual book with her today and I open up to this passage and it feels like a continuation from my entry last evening, in its perfection and timing:

"When we meet life through our bodies with radical acceptance,
we are the Buddha-the Awakened One-beholding the changing stream of sensations, feelings & thoughts. Everything alive, the whole world lives inside of us. As we let life live through us, we experience the boundless openness of our true nature."

I am going to let these words swirl around in me and then settle and sink as I move through my day today. It is like receiving the sweetest embrace from G-d, a reassuring nod, a whisper in my ear, "This life is here for you. Use me. Be in it fully and completely."

Choosing Life

Triumph
Originally uploaded by Tomasito.!
Life, Life is around me
Let me sing
Hallelujah !
Life, Life is around me
Let me sing
Hallelujah !
~ Jason Shulman

In a session this morning with my Kabbalistic healer, I did a month-in-review with her, highlighting what I've been writing about and uncovering during this period. It is an incredible process to be able to look at a mere 30 days of healing and recovery work and to actually see progress. Not that it is the goal, at all; rather, that it suddenly appears ... like a welcome yet unexpected surprise.

One such treasure today was an understanding that I arrived at about my relationship with my mother. I realized that just the "act" of letting all the voices be heard in terms of the incompleted, unspoken expression of my younger selves about their feelings toward my mother -- was the healing. Period. There was no good reason or purpose after this in needing to tell my mother what a lousy job I thought she did in parenting me. It was not about her at all. This piece of work was about me and making room for those voices of my early years to have their say. Once they did, I no longer felt this "thing" that was getting in the way of wanting to connect with my mother. It melted, faded away.

My healer went on to explain that because I am now willing to be awake and present to what is here in my life, I am no longer splitting, needing to cut out someone or cut off feelings like I had done in my past. Just a month or so ago, I first became aware that I was cutting my mother out of my life. I didn't want to call her. I had discomfort in being around her. And, when I was around her, like at Thanksgiving, then my unpleasant feelings were cut off. Or, I retreated emotionally, which is another cutting off.

To allow everything to have a place, to exist is to no longer split and divide my life into compartments. It is, instead, about choosing life.
I can be disappointed AND understand. I can be hurt AND know I will survive. I can be frustrated AND be patient.

Choosing life is also about being right here, as my adult self. I am in reality as a 47 year old woman. I am not the fearful 9 year old or the rebellious 16 year old in my interactions. Giving each of these younger selves voices and attending to their wounding in my adult self is what enables me to keep showing up as an adult. This, to me, is miraculous. Particularly, when I acknowledged today that I have lived the greater portion of my life as a hurt and fearful and self-pitying kid who occupied an adult body.

To not choose life or reality or presence is to make a futile and illusory attempt at saving myself from hurt. There is no actual rescue that occurs, simply a bypass. A drive-by. An escape route.
And, to split off because I don't want to experience anything unpleasant or hurtful, is to miss out on healing, on love, on intimacy, on connection.

I can bear the realities of life, as they occur and unfold. I will not die as a result. No one or no feeling or no part of me has to be pushed out either. These are the rewards of choosing life. For me, there is no other choice.