Life is in me

I wrote this poem right before I returned to AA in mid-January of this year.  I was exploring my abandonment issues by re-visiting the time period before I was adopted.  It was this experience that reminded me that I was never alone,  even when I felt utterly and completely by myself.  

Tonight, I walked to the edge of the canyon
And knowingly plummeted head first to a terrifying place
– without a guide, without a chute
Spiraling around a memory, a sensation
Of being completely, utterly alone
After leaving the womb AND before I was placed in the
Arms of strangers
A floating in darkness
The vortex of the unknown
No roots underneath me

I prepare a meal
And light a candle
And envision what it feels like
To have absolutely no connection
To anyone I’ve ever loved
Any longer
I feel the deep belly-filled grief
Churning
Rising up and getting lodged
In my chest
Suffocating my heart
As if an alien-force
Was strangling me from the inside
The gale-force fury of tears
Splits apart my skull
From the pressure

I stare at the plate of food
And at the objects in the room
Everything is dull
And murky
Devoid of luster or shine
There is no beauty anywhere
I am a mere shell
Bones under skin
I am hollow
Without love pulsing through my veins
I feel as remarkable as a speck of dust
Awaiting to be swept out of sight

I toss the food out into the garbage
And begin to do the dishes
I stare blankly at the paring knife in the sink
That I used to cut some onion for salad
And suddenly there is something that has an appeal
I see it for its potential
To slice away this maddening pain
For the first time in my life
I allow thoughts to visit
About what brings a human to the point
Of seeing no reason for remaining here
Yet something within
Has me step away

I take myself into the bathroom
And there is another eruption building
I brace myself on the toilet seat, lid closed
I grab a wad of toilet paper
And the shaking begins
Then the heaving
The wailing
Snot plugs my nostrils
Salt stings my eyelids
Yet is the one thing that has a flavor tonight
That doesn’t make me nauseous
I bury my face in a towel
And sit with the deafening stillness

It is in this seemingly empty space
That I feel where G-d resides in me
I am no longer quivering
My breath is even, steady
A calm washes over me as welcoming
As a summer evening breeze
While I feel the dull ache in my head
And the knot in my throat
I sense the weeping has ceased for now
The grief has found a nesting place
I feel the faint beating of my heart
I am resigned to being here
I am the love I seek
I am enough as I am
Life is in me