Preciously Formless

Sky's Secrets
Originally uploaded by Ben Heine
In the past week, my internal nervous system has been re-wired. No, I am not delusional and have not gone mad. In fact, I am saner and clearer than I have ever been.

My healer has named what had been frustratingly unknown to me for the entirety of my life thus far, yet felt on a deep kinesthetic, cellular level for which I had no language.

I suspect a reader of this would still be shaking their head and saying "What the fuck?"

There's an explanation. Indulge me for a moment ...

Close your eyes and imagine that you have been comfortably hanging out for 9 months or so, give or take a day, in your mother's womb. It was incredibly cozy in this little cave that was inside this being who carried you around -- an entity that you didn't really understand the concept of yet you did on some level. It's time for you to go and you're suddenly pushed out into the light and propelled from that comfy sack of warmth and you land into the hands of a doctor and probably several nurses and are permanently removed from that loving landlord who offered her amazing cervical condo free of charge, never to meet again ... For another 9 months, the same length of time you hung out in the womb cave, you have no friggin idea where you are. The mother who housed you felt so good and you don't know why she's gone and you don't have that feeling any more and you don't know whose hands are picking you up or feeding you and there is no breast to suck on and these people feel strange and totally unknown. And you take this lost, scared, uncertainty into your tiny little capillaries at that time but you don't have any real memories of any of this -- just a "knowing without knowing". And then, at the end of this 9 month period, a woman and a man pick you up and hold you closer than the strangers do (at least that is what you are told later) and you are put on the woman's lap and get into a moving machine that takes you to a house and you don't leave there for 18 years. BUT ... when you are 9 years old you are told about that time when you were with the nice landlord and you didn't remember that you had another mother because the one who is talking to you is supposed to be your mother cause that's what you call her and now you are completely and utterly confused and undone and you don't know what to do with this at such a young age.

I believe I understand from my healer about how I first got programmed internally because of this incredible void -- a gap she labels "formlessness" -- when I didn't have the kind of bonding or attachment that little ones with their biological mothers get PLUS the experience of having people around me make major life decisions that impacted me significantly yet were made without consulting or involving me. THIS is what she named for me that I had no language for. THIS is what allowed me to provide the above scenario and allow myself to freely explore what this may have been like from a sensing I have in the tiniest fibers of cellular memory.
THIS is also the catalyst for my internal re-wiring.

I have been frought all of my life with terror of what is unknown. Unbearable anxiety in any situation for which I have had no say, no control, no sense of power. It is at the root of my alcoholism and my dishonesty and my manipulation and my co-dependency and my selfishness and my care-taking and my over-committing and my fear of abandonment and subsequent holding others hostage.

My present circumstances that I have been writing about have actually replicated this pre-language time period of my life. And here's the really cool part: these circumstances are here because my Future Self has called them forward at this precise moment so I can heal this deep, old, gaping wound. So that I can tolerate others changing forms without being re-traumatized. So that there is no longer a split in me between an adult who gears up for the unknown in a hypervigilant way and a little girl who believes she will surely die from the exposure.

To face the unknown head on, without being debilitated by fear, is allowing me to experience what it is like to truly be free.    This is what it means to be a whole,  integrated adult.

I'd like to call it: Preciously Formless.