Snow, Snow ... Friend or Foe ???

Originally uploaded by mallory,

My relationship with winter has been a constant struggle.

This year, more than ever, it is about my nemesis ... SNOW.

And, more than ever, it is REALLY about my self-will and trying to control the snow.

Add to the mix a car that has no control in the snow and there is a perfect recipe for ...

POWERLESSNESS !!!

Tis the lesson I learned last evening, reading Step 3, line by line.

If I shifted my dependence on my Higher Power and the 12 Steps rather than mastering the unplowed streets of my city in a car that simply is not made to do so, I would experience serenity and would not see snow as an evil force of nature that blocks me from doing what I need to do.

This all came to a head yesterday after I drove in circles unable to find parking, got stuck several times with tires spinning on ice, as I attempted to see therapy clients who reside in a part of the city that rarely sees the likes of a snowplow. The "crazy" part of this scenario is that I kept doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results ! THAT is the definition of insanity.

I arrived home, worn out, disgusted, with my proverbial tail between my legs. I saw myself as defeated because I saw snow as the foe, instead of really "seeing" it for what it really is.

I am grateful and humble this morning for my battle with the elements last night. It brought me to a place of utter surrender, with the recognition that it is only me that is my greatest foe and not those piles of white stuff. Letting snow be snow is the true victory.

The Path of Plants ...

2009'un ilk fotoğrafı!!!!/EXPLORE
Originally uploaded by an&bs
I have not written in quite awhile.

My thoughts and expression have been a very internal process.

I am back from a 4 day retreat at my non-dual healing program where I learned another practice that is an extension of a previous one. It has to do with curvilinear space. And the fact that it is in and around everything and everyone. The practice offers the intentionality and steadiness to work with this space.

This morning as I practiced, I was drawn to the space where the leaves of my plants bent toward and followed. As I held my hands, palm side out, to feel this ... I could literally sense a "path" of growth where the plant's leaves would naturally move toward. I looked out my window and saw that the huge trees' branches had the very same movement, with less limits than a room, so theirs was a growth path that was not bounded except for the roof and chimney on one side.

Which got me thinking about mountains. And how the highest ones perhaps also followed a skyward path, informed by the vegetation that grew in its earthy skin which craved being closer to the sun.

In my meditation space where I did this practice, the path of a plant on one side of the room would eventually reach the tips of the leaves of the bamboo plant on the other side of the room. And, interestingly enough, the bamboo plant's path was not in the direction of this other plant but rather it moved in curvilinear travel toward my bronze Quan Yin in the corner. As I moved toward her, an area of the room I actually am never intimate with, there were bands and bands of vibration that extended so far out that I could touch the curves of this space with the front of my chest and forearms and even the side of my face !

I learned today that plants have much to teach me. To follow their paths is to know that there is one for me too that wants me to bend and move toward so that I may grow in its light.

Between Ground and Sky

Between Ground and Sky
Originally uploaded by Könrad
Thousands
of prickly
caterpillar hairs
scraping against
my skin
from the inside-out
am i awake or
dreaming
this...

my eyes are WIDE open

chest collapses
like an accordion
puffing breaths out
note by note
heart beats pummel
my rib cage
room is closing in

drawing upon these years
of teachings
i plant feet firmly
to anchor
then let go
to the sweet surrender
and reprieve
of deep meditation


i am keenly aware
of the one who is
having these medication-induced
symptoms --
the personal i
and
the noticer who sees her --
the impersonal i and not i

i watch my head stretch
then twist
in odd distortions
eyes fully dilated
as i look up from brushing my teeth
this is not a funhouse mirror
i look into the face
of  insanity

only a few threads
separate
the real
from the surreal
in this trip
i took
between
ground and sky

Letting God Swim Us ...

Originally uploaded by unaman

My healer/teacher gave a tender, heart-filled lecture yesterday via a teleconference. Perhaps 50 or more seeking souls were listening. You could not hear a one of us because the sound was muted except for our teacher's voice. But you KNEW and FELT the connection of an entire community was ever present and alive during this hour and a half. It was deeply intimate.

I was still in pajamas, stretched out on my overstuffed chair, blanket wrapped around me, tissues strewn around from bouts of blowing snot due to a sinus infection. My ears were glued to every word, in spite of my hacking cough, and this too was sacred.

My favorite part of her lecture had to do with a Zen tale about how fish could make it through rough waters ... it's because they let the river swim them. Perhaps this is what is meant about being "in the stream of life". Later, in response to a listener's question about how to overcome seeing things as separate, our teacher made the reference back to this story, altering the metaphor just a bit ...

"We let God swim us."

I took to this like ... [pun intended] ... a fish to water.

If I am God and each one of us is God and every living thing is God, then there is no "God out there or up in the air" . God-ness exists in every single thing, which makes every single thing a One-With-God thing.

In Step 3 of the recovery 12 Steps, we turn our will over to the care of God, as we understand God. Taking my will back and resisting surrender is akin to the fish that try to go against the raging current in the other direction because their way is better than how the river is intended to flow. When I let God swim me, I trust the direction and the flow, even when I feel like I might get knocked down by the rapids or pulled to the bottom by a strong undertow. I can trust that I will be carried and that I will not drown. It is only when I separate from God and believe my way is best that I risk getting swept away or sucked under.

This is, I believe, what our teacher referred to when she spoke so passionately about trusting what life brings us. For it is in this trusting, that we understand that God has never left us. The life we've been waiting for is the one we're already living.

Wherever I am in the stream, be it the calm pool at the bottom of the waterfall or the raging white water rapids, I can trust that is exactly where I am supposed to be.

And all I have to do is let God swim me...

Surrender is a Deep Well ...

Deep well
Originally uploaded by ilovemytripod
A long-timer in the program, a woman who I admire greatly shared this profound pearl of sober wisdom in tonight's Step meeting:

"We must acknowledge our powerlessness every morning as we rise. Step 1 gives us only a daily reprieve. Surrender is a deep well ..."

The room fell totally silent after she spoke, her words landing and locking into me like a missing piece to a complex puzzle. I really needed to receive this tonight.

This woman's statement is a reminder for me that this is truly a "one day at a time" program. Step work is never completed; it is, instead, a continuous, daily operation so that I may live soberly. It is what guides me to do the next right thing. It is what keeps me from picking up that first drink in any given moment when I am tempted or lose my way.

Surrender is a deep well. This statement rocks me to my core.

I don't just turn my will over to God or ask for a character defect to be removed today and it's a done-deal. I can very readily want to take my will back or find that my character defect has re-surfaced as early as the next day and this will require me to surrender once more. And, I am only guaranteed a reprieve for that day. Maybe not even for the entire day.

And this doesn't even account for the fact that there are defects that I have held onto and my denial or my resistance has put up a barrier that makes it very challenging for surrender to have a fighting chance. Just like the photo depicted at the top of this entry, it is quite dark and bleak at the bottom of the well. Some of us have to fall long and hard and often until we reach that place where surrender is our only way out from the hole we've created.

The recognition of powerlessness every single day in my morning prayers and my evening prayers keeps things real and green for me. I do not take my sobriety for granted any longer. Knowing I cannot do this alone and need God's help is the bucket that carries me up and out from the bottom of the well.

I AM an alcoholic ...

Day One Hundred Ninety
Originally uploaded by Dustin Diaz
I sat in a healing space today with a friend who is wrestling with the identity of being an addict. Would actually like to toss it away forever and also knows that it's the truth.

I too tried to push down, away, and out  for many years the fact that I am an alcoholic. It held stigma, shame, embarassment, self-loathing. I would eventually learn that these were my narratives about it -- not actual facts.

The healing journey that I have been on has allowed me to consciously shatter and open up space for the Truth to enter. Funny thing is ... when something is "just the truth", it no longer has a story attached to it. It just is.

I now am able to bear and even embrace this Truth: I AM an alcoholic.
It is no longer an identity to hide away, but rather it is one which has opened the doors for me to an entire community of people who have the allergy to alcohol. I have found a home, a place where I belong.

My friend's struggle today allowed me to soften and deepen my compassion for not just her, but for my former "who was" and the countless others who are in and out of the recovery rooms. Being an alcoholic does not have to be a damaging, shameful label anymore; it is just the truth of one part of the whole that is me.

I AM an alcoholic. I AM a teacher and a writer and a healer. I AM a lesbian. I AM adopted. I AM a spiritual seeker. I AM rigid and stubborn. I AM loving and passionate. I AM a swimmer. I AM a neat freak. I AM the fertile ground for the seeds of my Future Self to grow in.

There is incredible power and healing in re-claiming buried parts of ourselves. This, most definitely, is one I am grateful to have resurrected.   The paradigm shift that I have experienced allows this identity to take a new shape,  hold new meaning for me.   I am re-committed,  renewed,  and dedicated to my recovery in a way that I was not open and could not connect to before.   It is now with great pride that I proclaim:

"I AM an alcoholic !"

Marrying Life ...

love
Originally uploaded by magnetic_aesthetic
Last evening, I was brought to a new level of appreciation about the gift of sobriety through the messages of several amazing recovering women.

I listened to the story of 1 woman on a CD that was given to me as a Christmas present by my beloved -- a fellow traveler of the 12 Step rooms. The depth of her despair and hopelessness as a result of the insanity of the disease of alcoholism was compelling and moving beyond words. She traveled from jail, homelessness and losing her children to getting sober, graduating from college and becoming a probation officer ! And, the kicker was this: some of her most significant life challenges came AFTER she stopped drinking. She had a fantastic sense of humor about it all AND was simultaneously dead serious about the life-or-death nature of alcoholism.

At my favorite women's AA meeting, I witnessed a poignant exchange between 2 women who have both lost a child in the course of their sobriety to tragedies. One, whose daughter was killed in a car accident several years ago and the other, whose son committed suicide earlier this year. The mother whose daughter was killed years prior used to sit in this meeting and barely be able to compose herself as she was consumed by grief. Last night, she was able to extend her message of strength and hope to the woman whose son committed suicide. She shared with her that there is light on the other side of the darkness, that life does get better, that you do move on, and, most importantly, that it is never worth taking a drink over. I felt as if I were watching a miracle unfold -- a beam from a lighthouse that was bright enough to carry another safely to shore because she too had others shine the way. The relief that washed over the woman who lost her son was exquisite. It may have been the first time in months that I saw her actually relax her shoulders and crack a smile.

What I walked away with last night from these powerful messages, as I basked in the gorgeous full moon on my trip home, is that one of the greatest gifts of sobriety is that we can choose to accept and love what is here for us, what is being called for healing. It is about marrying life -- through richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, good times and bad.

I am down on 1 knee, making a proposal with God by my side ... I vow to not take a drink, to be true to myself, to love whatever comes my way.

I am marrying Life ...