Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Living from the Inside-Out ...


Sotto la torre del Mangia..
Originally uploaded by sirVictor59

Go out from the center and in from the world.

This is one of the lines from my teacher's conflict resolution healing process that has been reverberating in me. It has to do with feeling my internal structure and relating to the outside from the solidity of this place.

For the first time in all of my adult life, I have a deep bodily sense of my own boundaries. I vividly can feel where I begin and end, where another begins and ends. I have become increasingly aware of when and how my boundaries are violated by another as well as how I have done the same to others in the past.

As an adopted child who entered the world not attaching right away to a mother's form but instead experiencing the gaping hole of formlessness and then navigating the chaos of the unpredicable forms in an alcoholic home, I came by my fucked up sense of boundaries rightly. This is not an excuse, just a statement of fact.

I have gone from being a doormat to an overflowing fountain of messy, spilling boundaries to a steel trap that cuts off any attempt of intimate contact at the first whiff of danger. Today, I am finding that center, the balanced place of knowing what is acceptable and not acceptable, when to speak up assertively and advocate for what I know is right for me coupled with the loosening and freeing of defensive strands that no longer serve a purpose so that there is a flow for deep intimacy.

I am experiencing the world from in my body. I can feel the sensations and vibrations of the outside and simultaneously, I feel my sturdy inside that is no longer pulled of its base to move in the direction of the outside. I feel my separate self on the earth plane and I am no longer afraid to be one with the whole of the Universal life force.

This is living from the inside-out ...

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