5 years ago on this date I was freed from a relationship in which I overstayed my welcome.
I did not leave willingly but rather by force. I made an admission that I had not loved her for many years. In reaction to this shattering news, she exploded into a rage and sent me out of our home with 1 packed bag, while hurling small items from the coffeetable at me as I fled out the front door up the street into the dark of night.
I can relay that story today, free of shame. I know what my part was in the demise of our relationship. I was dishonest -- about nearly everything and the kicker is --- I wasn't fully aware of it. Denial is powerful and quite false form of protection from seeing, hearing, speaking, feeling and knowing reality. And, I was chained to fear of every kind.
My healer shared with me that I am tearing through the illusions of my life so that I can clearly see Reality and be exactly who I am. As I see it, I have no other choice. I cannot return to the contracted and terrified version of a Self that I once was.
In a recent conversation with a trusted companion, I spoke about claiming my rightful place in communities which carry labels that have been stigmatized by society:
I am an alcoholic. It reminds me that I cannot drink safely - ever. It offers me entrance to an AA meeting anywhere in the world because I am a bottle-free member !
I am a lesbian. I want to be visible and take pride in the fact that I am a woman who loves a woman. It is no longer a psychiatric diagnosis nor a derogatory slur as I stand tall in this community of others who are also loving who they desire.
I have working class roots. I was raised by a steel worker and a housewife. We had enough money to get by. I am quite familiar with having a K-mart wardrobe and canned vegetables and church basement socials.
Shame about all of the above came from fear of how I would be judged and seen. Freedom from shame finds me embracing ALL of who I am and not caring so much about how others view me.
What a joy to no longer need to pretend or defend. To not experience a bondage of Self.
Lady GaGa croons: "Baby you were born this way ..." When I hear this song, I rejoice in knowing: "God created me just as I am."
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