A Farewell Re-Visited ...

lansinfield3
Originally uploaded by playzwifstonz
It is the nature of grace always to fill spaces that have been empty.
~ Goethe

The regal canine depicted above in her dogdom of wildflowers is Lansbury -- the first dog my ex and I acquired in our partnership. This photo was taken just 4 months before I would part from the two of them, taking our other dog, Iman, with me.

Two years ago, it appeared that Lansbury was on her last legs and I went to say a very tearful goodbye. The stubborn old girl, much like her other mother, has sunk her fangs into life up until just recently. I received a similar call this morning from my ex, only this time with a much more serious assessment and an emphasis on the fact that Lansbury's decline would likely be resulting in her being put down in the coming week or so. Sitting with the rightness of whether to make another farewell visit or not, the answer from within was a resounding yes that I should and I went directly over.

It was a healing time all the way around during this interaction at my former residence -- the house which my ex inherited from her parents after we buried them a month apart just 8 years ago. As I gently stroked the now quite fraile Lansbury, only 7 lbs and partially blind and deaf, my ex and I spoke about the many losses that have happened for her (and me too) over these past several years. After her parents, it was a co-worker and mutual friend of ours -- same cancer as her father died of. And then I left. She partnered with another woman for 2 years and then lost her to ovarian cancer -- just this past March, 1 month after her brother died. And now, we laid on the floor tenderly surrounding the next loved one to leave.

The magnitude of sadness and loss that was present today was larger than all of us and yet, it was for me both personal and impersonal. My heart was touched directly at certain moments and then I would experience "threads" of sadness/loss that permeated the atmosphere -- both vivid and alive in their dance around the room. This for sure is the by-product of my healing work and the non-dual practice of impersonal movement. I felt a great deal of compassion and open-heartedness for my ex, for Lansbury, for myself and all those who have gone before us.

Walking out the front door of my ex's today, civilly and without regret or anger or resentment, was wonderful to experience. It was such an honest visit, minus the historical baggage and willfull intent to take jabs at one another. And, this is also the truth: I have no desire to be in my ex's life. There is no emotion attached to that -- it really is just what it is. I feel space around my heart saying that out loud.

In my prayers over these next few days, I will ask God -- if it is in his will, to help Lansbury cross over as peacefully as possible. Not just for the little pooch's sake, but more so for the serenity of her other mother.

Easy as Coffee ...

Originally uploaded by α7lα dσичαツ
A revelation of sorts occurred in a conversation yesterday with a woman I love dearly :

In its simplest terms, life can be as easy as coffee.

We both enjoy this simple pleasure. In particular, she loves Dunkin Donuts coffee. A dark skim coffee with half a Splenda to be exact. To watch her get one, hold it and savor it is like watching someone at a 5 star restaurant getting the best meal on the menu. I, on the other hand, love grinding my own beans, making it in a French Press. Sheer heaven-in-a-cup in the morning. And, now that Dunkin Donuts has a dark roast iced coffee, I am a converted fan of this chain that is growing leaps and bounds over Starbucks (and markedly cheaper too !)

Our conversation revealed that we can be incredibly complicated creatures left up to our own devices. We make buffets from crumbs. We analyze our analyses. We tell ourselves certain stories repeatedly and hold them to be truth. We make assumptions. We project. We defend. We act out of fear lots of the time. Being engaged in any number of these mazes of craziness finds us missing the beauty of things, the simplicity and pleasure of them, of each other, of ourselves.

And here's the "sweetener"  from that conversation:  when you name just "what is",  fearlessly drop the old story lines,  be honest and direct with kindness and without qualifiers,  own your part outright --  an incredible thing happens ...  you're free.  And nothing bad happens afterwards.  In fact,  there's a whole lotta room and a whole lotta intimacy.    It's that easy.

Like enjoying your coffee.

Or as the man who spoke at my home group shared last evening about re-visiting the concept of time in his newfound sobriety at a rehab in India where you sat each day for an hour or so with the other patients and did absolutely nothing. No talking. No gestures. Just quiet. He told us that he never thought he could deeply appreciate something as simple as "15 minutes" , until he learned and understood that it was an actual "thing with a feel and quality" to be savored versus something missed, tossed away or lost - like in a blackout . Every second, every minute is precious.

My life can truly be simplified by remembering to do a few things each day:  when I wake up and before I go to sleep,  get on my knees and thank God for this day and for being alive and sober and ask that my will be aligned with God's plan for me. And don't pick up a drink under any circumstances. Meet each moment as it arrives and speak and live my truth.   Appreciate and be grateful and love whenever possible.

Easy as coffee ...

Re-Awakening ...

dorminhoco
Originally uploaded by @mands
"When we realize that we are fully capable of re-awakening from our habitual spiritual sleep, over and over again, then even failure, even blindness, is no impediment to being with God."
~ Jason Shulman

I have read and re-read this passage over the past few days. It has been working through me and in a particular set of interactions, sparked by my Friday night AA meeting and the first spiritual alarm clock that went off when I understood how my absences and not showing up are part of my 4th Step and even 7th Step defects of character.

Sunday night, I receive a total "surprise" email from a young man -- the son of a lesbian couple who I attempted to make amends to last summer and then they canceled. Many times I thought about picking up the phone or just dropping by and then avoiding the notion of having a potential awkward interaction. He wrote to me to tell me how much he missed me. And that he has grown 7 inches since we last saw one another a couple years ago. He included 3 youtube videos of his saxophone solos at his middle school and he captured his passion for playing jazz so eloquently that I would swear I was receiving a letter from an adult. Upon getting this email, I woke up again. God's handiwork in action. Whenever I have had a willingness, the situation presents itself.

I wrote him back immediately. I told him how moved I was by his email and how proud I was to see him playing his saxophone so beautifully. I apologized for my absence in his life as of late and that I also had to work through some things with the adults in his life.

Fast-forward to Monday night. Another unexpected email arrives and this one is from the partner of the mother whose son who wrote me. She shares that the young man's reaching out to me was the impetus for her to be forthcoming about the cancellation last summer and the distance before that. She shared how she was aware that she pushed me away from her partner and the kids. How my abruptly ending the relationship with my former partner jolted her world. It appeared that we had such a "perfect relationship" and then there was the incongruence of the break-up, the substance abuse, and she simply didn't trust me. She now understood that it was her own fears that this could happen in her own relationship and they got projected onto me. My jaw dropped in reading her honest disclosure. And understanding that it was not all me. Another awakening, another door open.

I write her back immediately. I tell her that I understand how difficult it must have been to see the appearance of what she thought to be true about my former relationship and then to discover that it was all a lie. I acknowledged my part in keeping up that facade and how in my healing work I now understood why that occurred and how each of us could not bear to be in the reality of the relationship.

I received an immediate, heartfelt response from her and then a phone call with an invitation to come back into their lives. She wants to surprise her partner first by having me just "show up" this weekend. And then, a gathering with the kids. We both experienced tears of great joy in the prospect of re-connection as well as how much we've missed one another.

We can indeed re-awaken over and over and over again. God is always waiting when we come out from under the covers.

Uncoiling the Next Layer ...

The Plug-Hole
Originally uploaded by ~~Tone~~
One of my non-dual healing practices is Impersonal Movement. Every Sunday, there is a small group of us that discusses what arises during our practice. Today, it was just one other classmate and I.

In my practice, as of late, when I get to the stage that involves something called "uncoiling the heart", I have felt a halting as I am digging, metaphorically speaking, through what feels like a dark hole in my heart. I am aware in the back of my mind that when I come to a particular layer in this hole, I cannot go any further. My classmate today helped me to understand that there is likely a vasana, or an impurity, that lies just beneath the surface where I stall and that it may be too scary or painful for me to uncover it.

As we talked for awhile, I began to relax into the experience of recalling each piece of the digging and then the halting. Quite effortlessly, a phrase arose which seemed to be the very one I've been fearful of unearthing: "Will there ever be an end to this sadness?" It took my breath away the very moment I uttered it. My classmate very gently said: "It feels like this is the vasana." We both knew it was.

My classmate encouraged me to stay and work with this phrase and to notice over the next day or so the ways in which the essence of this shows up in my world.

In this part of the practice, the appearance of the vasanas are about the larger scale suffering of the world -- its "incarnational baggage". To feel it personally means that I have not dropped into the true "impersonal" aspect of the practice.

After this very healing call with my classmate, I noticed a variety of shifts in and around me. I decided to go to the movies by myself. At the start, I felt a twinge of discontent in the background, a brief thought like: "Oh, look at you, going to the movies with all the gray hairs on the 4th of July , how sad". I let it live, then just as quickly, it left. I enjoyed my popcorn and most of the movie. Leaving the theater, I was to meet my AA sponsee for a bite to eat and then go to a meeting. On my way to the diner, she texted me to say that she could not meet me and that she was sorry. A variety of feelings rose up: disappointment, self-pity, loneliness. I drove home to walk my dog and then made a sandwich. As I sat at my dining room table, a wave of sadness came over me. I could feel myself simultaneously pushing it back. Within this were messages about being alone on the Holiday, missing the woman I love deeply and wondering how many other holidays will be spent apart,  thinking of my sponsor,  my mother and hundreds of women who keep at life without their spouse or partner. Giving them this place to be here again softened and opened my heart toward myself.

Then my feelings shifted to looking forward to my meeting and stopping to get an iced coffee on the way. I sang to music blaring on my car stereo and then greeted a number of friends and we set up chairs to hold the meeting outside in the courtyard. The speaker was amazing and the night was clear and gorgeous. I took in the entire experience through as many senses as possible. Afterwards, I joined several members for sweet treats at my favorite frozen custard stand and we sat outside to catch a few glimpses of the fireworks against the indigo blue night sky. As I sat taking all of this in, including the delicious creamy goodness in my styrofoam cup, another wave of sadness was pushing against my heart and the back of my throat. I could feel the dam about to burst. I politely excused myself so that I could let all of this flow.

No sooner did I get into my car, the tears erupted with tremendous force. I sobbed and sobbed and didn't know why I was actually crying and it didn't matter. This continued as I entered my apartment and I sat on my meditation pillow, holding a stone in my hand, and let the tears flow freely as I said the vasana aloud: "Will there ever be an end to this sadness?" I repeated it nearly 4 times. As quickly as the tears had come a half hour ago, they ceased in the very same way. It was just as my wise classmate had said to me earlier: "If you stay with this dark place, other space will open up."

It most certainly did.

I sit here now quite calm and clear-headed. While the sadness initially felt personal and I tried to make meaning of it, over the course of the night it became hugely impersonal. Like I was a conduit for this particular suffering of the world that I was tapping into.

It is now with anticipation and spaciousness, rather than hesitation and dread, that I will be uncoiling the next layer ...

Step 5: Discerning fantasy versus reality

Pencil Vs Camera - 29
Originally uploaded by Ben Heine
Last night's AA meeting was focused on Step 5. The sharing was incredible and very raw and honest. The "meat" of this was that many of us, once we arrived at Steps 4 and then 5, realized that we had either carried as "truths" some of the lies we told for years during our drinking OR that we had many omissions that we needed to own up to (things we DIDN'T DO for others, ways we didn't show up).

The question on the table in this discussion for many of us was: "Did we know what was fantasy and what was reality once we met with another person to say aloud our 4th Step transgressions?"

I shared with the group that there were many stories I believed to be the truth during my years of drinking that I would later come to uncover never actually happened. Some were small things like having done something really daring that didn't really occur in the way I had told the story dozens of times. There was one serious lie that I held as honest-to-God truth --  even up until a year or more AFTER I stopped drinking. The story was that my brother made a suicide attempt at age 15. It was my 25th birthday approaching and I wanted to get out of work so that I could do an all-out drinking binge with former drinking buddies at the shore. I created this "family emergency" and even phoned in to my boss with fake reports. He must have heard how much I was slurred or possibly incoherent at times. I "got away" with being out of work for 5 days. It was approximately 1.5 years after I got sober that a friend from that time period asked how my brother was doing and this time around, he really wasn't okay. He had just had a psychiatric hospitalization due to a psychotic break. As I relayed this to her, it hit me that in the midst of this I became confused. I heard myself saying aloud: he's had YET ANOTHER psychiatric hospitalization and then, catching myself, recognizing that this was the actual FIRST one. I awkwardly back-tracked and stumbled and then finally "fessed up" to my friend that I had lied about his suicide attempt. I was deeply ashamed. Many friends who were not part of my 25th birthday drinking binge were also told the story - it was my excuse for being away. I never admitted this to my therapist or my therapy group in my newfound sobriety either. In fact, I completely forgot about this when I did my actual 5th Step with a woman from the rooms last summer. On the spot, as I was sharing last night, this 5th Step omission was done with the entire room. It was incredibly liberating.

After my sharing, there were MANY other lightbulb moment "confessions" in that room. One by one, members spoke of either how they have avoided doing the 5th Step because they didn't know what was true or not OR that they had truly believed many of the stories of their drinking days and held them as reality.

One member spoke about the equally damaging transgressions of hurting others because of what he DIDN'T DO. He was an at-home, isolated drunk. He missed countless birthdays, weddings and other family gatherings. He never looked at those in his original 4th Step. It wasn't until he had a new sponsor and re-visited this time period that he was able to see that his absence was just as harmful as having done something directly to another. That really opened my eyes because I was notorious for ducking out, avoiding, making excuses and simply being a "no-show" for important events. Even in my dry period. And I didn't capture these kinds of passive, inactive behaviors in my former 4th Step.

Damn.

I got some more unpacking to do !

Dyke Night @ the Shop Rite

who's she lookin at?
Originally uploaded by bbheart

On my way home from my favorite women's AA meeting on Thursday evenings, I often make a pit stop at the mother-of-all Shop Rites. I am likely to frequent this supermarket at least 3 of the 4 Thursdays each month. Never have I experienced the amount of lesbians per cubic foot in one enclosed space besides a Pride event than at the Shop Rite tonight ! This phenomenon, had I been given the honor to name it, would have been titled: "50 and Over Dyke Night Supermarket Extravaganza" .

Clearly I missed the flyer and email about this, as well I should being 2 years shy of the Big 5 -0. Perhaps this event was sponsored by the AARP ?

I am not exaggerating when I say that practically every other aisle of the Shop Rite was swarming with bumbledykes, let loose from the gay hive, buzzing about in search of the queenbee in hopes of tasting the sweet nectar, wink-wink ...

There were mostly single dykes and a few couples. I hate to indulge in type casting, but I can't help myself. There is something about this particular generation of lesbians ( thankfully I missed the cut off) and their lack of fashion sense. Let me paint the caricature from head to toe: cropped hair, primarily clipper cut sides and back; devoid of any jewelry, including earrings; warm weather: plaid short sleeve men's shirt/ cold weather: flannel shirt (Note: shirt is usually NOT tucked in); straight-leg, light blue denim jeans with a baggy ass, like Lee or Wrangler; sensible flat shoes or sneakers. Usually chubby. If in a couple: uncanningly looks and dresses like their other half.

A couple of these suave gay senior-ritas cruised me. Mostly in the produce section. I think it may have been the way I fondled the bananas and peaches as I placed them into my oversized plastic baggie. Purrrrrr.

It is my intention, as I proclaim this out loud to the Universe, that I do not succumb to the tragic decline in appearance when I cross that 50 year mark. I want to feel and exude sensuality. I want to still be considered "sexy" and "hot". I want to able to get away with wearing some hip items like low-waisted jeans. I want to embrace my salt and pepper hair yet have it styled and not look like I put a bowl on my head !

Dyke Night @ the Shop Rite. Can't say that I'd go back -- not much in the way of bargains or sales for the likes of this shopper !

A Path of Aliveness ...

Hugging the NW corridor of the city I live in is a treasure-trove of greenery and trees -- a well-maintained park that has multiple entrances.  Instead of doing a drive-by on my bike,  I wanted to luxuriate in the woods,  digging my heels in and meeting all forms of life. 

The people that roam the park come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and athletic abilities -- ranging from hard-core long distance runners and mountain bikers to those who simply want to stroll and get some fresh air.   I discovered something about myself and about people in general on my path today:   authentically smiling to connect to people passing by,  even really focused or grouchy or engrossed ones,  almost always is met with a smile in return.  In the past when my interior and exterior had a very severed cord,  my smile reached out to grab and intrude on others and,  I would venture to guess,  was off-putting and intimidating.   My smile today begins in the roots of my legs,  making its ascent through my solar plexus,  radiating around my heart,  then bubbling up like a small fountain across the muscles in my face and around my eyes.   I am aware of how it travels and then meets people where they are now.    I felt each movement with every person I passed this morning and it was really incredible to experience the intricacies of this simple act.

Here are some gorgeous sights along this path of aliveness ...

The water is a constant companion on nearly every trail of this park.  It is as soothing to me as holding the hand of someone I love.

These towering beauties lovingly hover over all the trails

creating a container of shade and serenity for all. 

Just before this shot,  there was a sweet exchange

between this magnificent butterfly and a chipmunk. 

They quickly parted as I approached and the butterfly decided

to linger and allowed me to be in her world for a brief moment.

The trees naturally do "sun salutations"  arching toward her light.

Perhaps this is where the ancient yogis came up with the name

for this position.

A budding photographer friend taught me that

some of the best views are not the panoramic ones, 

but rather those that are found when you are low to the ground,

touching the earth.   A whole world opened up to me just by squatting.