Pencil Vs Camera - 29
Originally uploaded by Ben Heine
Last night's AA meeting was focused on Step 5. The sharing was incredible and very raw and honest. The "meat" of this was that many of us, once we arrived at Steps 4 and then 5, realized that we had either carried as "truths" some of the lies we told for years during our drinking OR that we had many omissions that we needed to own up to (things we DIDN'T DO for others, ways we didn't show up).
The question on the table in this discussion for many of us was: "Did we know what was fantasy and what was reality once we met with another person to say aloud our 4th Step transgressions?"
I shared with the group that there were many stories I believed to be the truth during my years of drinking that I would later come to uncover never actually happened. Some were small things like having done something really daring that didn't really occur in the way I had told the story dozens of times. There was one serious lie that I held as honest-to-God truth -- even up until a year or more AFTER I stopped drinking. The story was that my brother made a suicide attempt at age 15. It was my 25th birthday approaching and I wanted to get out of work so that I could do an all-out drinking binge with former drinking buddies at the shore. I created this "family emergency" and even phoned in to my boss with fake reports. He must have heard how much I was slurred or possibly incoherent at times. I "got away" with being out of work for 5 days. It was approximately 1.5 years after I got sober that a friend from that time period asked how my brother was doing and this time around, he really wasn't okay. He had just had a psychiatric hospitalization due to a psychotic break. As I relayed this to her, it hit me that in the midst of this I became confused. I heard myself saying aloud: he's had YET ANOTHER psychiatric hospitalization and then, catching myself, recognizing that this was the actual FIRST one. I awkwardly back-tracked and stumbled and then finally "fessed up" to my friend that I had lied about his suicide attempt. I was deeply ashamed. Many friends who were not part of my 25th birthday drinking binge were also told the story - it was my excuse for being away. I never admitted this to my therapist or my therapy group in my newfound sobriety either. In fact, I completely forgot about this when I did my actual 5th Step with a woman from the rooms last summer. On the spot, as I was sharing last night, this 5th Step omission was done with the entire room. It was incredibly liberating.
After my sharing, there were MANY other lightbulb moment "confessions" in that room. One by one, members spoke of either how they have avoided doing the 5th Step because they didn't know what was true or not OR that they had truly believed many of the stories of their drinking days and held them as reality.
One member spoke about the equally damaging transgressions of hurting others because of what he DIDN'T DO. He was an at-home, isolated drunk. He missed countless birthdays, weddings and other family gatherings. He never looked at those in his original 4th Step. It wasn't until he had a new sponsor and re-visited this time period that he was able to see that his absence was just as harmful as having done something directly to another. That really opened my eyes because I was notorious for ducking out, avoiding, making excuses and simply being a "no-show" for important events. Even in my dry period. And I didn't capture these kinds of passive, inactive behaviors in my former 4th Step.
Damn.
I got some more unpacking to do !
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