ocean motion
Originally uploaded by H o g n e
Every time I read the Steps in a meeting, something new surfaces -- a phrase or passage that I am hearing like it's the first time. In last night's meeting, we read Step 3 as we enter the 3rd month of the year. The line that jumped out, which happened during my turn to read, is this one:
" Each of us has had his own near-fatal encounter with the juggernaut of self-will, and has suffered enough under its weight to be willing to look for something better."
Juggernaut: Term used to describe " ... a force regarded as unstoppable. Often bears association with crushing or being self-destructive." Derived from the Sanskrit, "Jagganatha" meaning "Lord of the Universe".
Alcoholism is the ultimate in defining a juggernaut of self-will. In the bondage of the grip of the disease, there is a uni-directional drive for one thing and one thing only: booze, booze, and more booze. In the throws of this, my will was the only machinery in operation. I had no consideration for others, my impact on others, a sense of responsibility or commitment, a trusting in anyone, let alone a Higher Power. My will was a bulldozer and, the irony is that it was steamrolling over me.
I had just shared in a Big Book meeting on Monday night, after we read the Doctor's Opinion, about how eye-opening it was to understand the phenomenon of craving and the "disease" aspect of alcoholism for myself. There is definitely a relationship between this and the juggernaut of self-will. The power of physically and psychologically craving alcohol for me was like being tied to the back of a wild animal, let loose in search for prey. All day long at work, my obsessions for alcohol ran like a ticker-tape across my forehead. I was constantly plotting and planning the next drink and the stash for the car and the trunk and for the fridge. Every trip, even if a half-hour drive, was stockpiled with alcohol. In Kabbalistic-speak, this is Yesod gone wild. Seeking and seeking and more seeking to soothe and numb and escape. And anything that is perceived as a barrier to this seeking would be destroyed. That could take all kinds of forms: literal destruction, like wrecking cars while in search for more liquor or the destruction of friendships, of commitments, of work obligations. Eventually, it was the destruction of one's sense of morality, judgment, self-respect, dignity, worth, and health.
Step 3 uses the word "juggernaut" twice. In the phrase I identified above and also here: " This philosophy of self sufficiency ... it is a bone crushing juggernaut whose final achievement is ruin." Indeed, indeed. This idea that we got everything under control as part of self-sufficiency and self-will is the greatest lie we tell ourselves as we continue crashing into walls and smashing our heads in the pitch black bubble of denial.
Now for the second part of the phrase above: " ... has suffered enough under its weight to be willing to look for something better."
This, I believe, is the moment of seeing reality for the first time when we are at our own individual "bottom" --- a low place with nowhere to go but up -- if we are willing, as it states here, to look for something better. At nearly every meeting, especially when someone is telling their story or we're reading one from the Big Book, I am ever grateful and thankful for being willing to look for something better. That I heard the call of my Future Self, my God-self, my Tiferet. That amid my out-of-control Yesod self-seeking, there was that door that opened (referred to at the start of Step 3) and it was willingness.
The metaphorical and literal visual of the crushing juggernaut of self-will that is alcoholism is so powerful. And even more so, is the image of being able to get up from under this heavy weight and the wreckage, and find a way up and out, without the aid of alcohol. That blows my mind on a regular basis when I really see the big picture of it all. Especially, when I have "flashbacks" of that time period of drinking and ponder "Who the fuck was that person?" I am often unrecognizable to myself. And yet, that memory is an important one for me to retain as part of my recovery: "We shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I have to remember who that person was because, every time I do, it keeps me away from the bottle.
Lastly, even after putting down the booze, my self-will was still very much in-tact, particularly when I stopped going to therapy and meetings. While its force was not the wild hurricane-like frenzy of my alcoholism, it was still destructive. Like a gradual implosion, from the inside-out. My self-will during my abstinence had me utterly convinced that I could handle anything and everything on my own -- the illusion of self-sufficiency. This cost me quality of life, well over a decade of time spent in a relationship that was not healthy for either of us, the absence of intimacy with people and with life, the neglect of self-care and worth in countless forms, being in a functional coma -- quite asleep and in denial of reality. This kind of ruin, while not nearly as obvious as the kind caused by my drinking, to me is even more harmful and damaging.
Self-will is a force to be reckoned with; the only antidote I see, as taught to me in my recovery and healing work, is handing it over to God.
