Little investments of big worth ...

Everybody loves Mecki ... the little Hedgehog in my Hand
Originally uploaded by Batikart
As I work with my relationship to money and, even more so, to my own worth, I am watching how I am using money and where it is going. I have an appointment this week with a non-profit debt management counseling agency and, in preparation for this appointment, they sent me some eye-opening worksheets which have me track what every penny is being used for.

In the past few days as I use the worksheets, I began to see these little investments of worth happening, purchases that I would have normally put off or said "Nah, I can do without that." These may actually be things that others would not even bat an eyelash over, yet for me, I am aware that my pushing away a need for these items had a larger impact -- it was cutting myself out and not considering my worthiness of having them.

So ... what are these mysterious gems of worth ?

Tissues. Yes, tissues to blow my nose. I have used toilet paper or napkins in my glove compartment or paper towels (ouch) because I could not justify buying myself tissues when I had all these other paper substitutes ! Tissues are made to be gentle on the nose and to invest in them, is to say to myself: "You are worth this gentleness." Yesterday, in the late afternoon, I began to experience major allergy-type symptoms -- the most prominent of which was intense bouts of sneezing, followed by a runny nose. I used up every Dunkin Donuts napkin in my car to soak up the nasal waterfall and realized how raw my skin around my nose was getting from the coarse material of these napkins -- meant for wiping off donut icing on one's face and NOT for snot dabbing ! This seems so silly and simple that it would be natural instinct to not think twice to purchase tissues and yet, it was such a statement of not believing that my body was actually worth the investment. $2 to be exact.

Related to this purchase and something I've put off for years: a Neti pot. It looks like a little Aladdin genie lamp.  It's used to flush & clear out the nasal passages,  using a salt-water solution.  Countless people in my life have shared with me the benefits of using one of these, especially if you have regular sinus-related issues, which I do. Again, it came down to worth. I would see these in stores all the time and take a few seconds to contemplate and it was back to: "Nah, I don't really need that." This particular statement I make to myself in these moments is really code for: "You're not worth that." My mother even told me about the benefits of using a Neti pot and how much better she was feeling and I still ignored the fact that this could be something to help me. Yesterday's episode of sneezing and previous days of sinus pressure and pain brought me to the place of finally saying "YES, I am worth this purchase to feel better." And so, along with my $2 tissues, I bought an $11 Neti pot. Used it last night for the first time and got some incredible relief.

Last, but not least, lotion specifically for cracked, dry skin. I develop incredible callouses on my heel and on the area by my big toe where there are small bunions forming. An occasional pedicure helps this but does not treat the condition. I look at my feet when I am putting on socks, day in and day out, and see how cracked and raw they are, feel the discomfort after a day on my feet, and yet have not done anything to soothe them -- an act of saying that I am worth it. This was my other purchase at the store -- dry skin lotion. $4.99. And it was heaven rubbing it into my feet.

Less than $20 was spent for 3 items that, in the past, I did not believe I was worth making the investment. When I drank, I could spend $20 in an hour filling myself with liquor and not think twice about it. I have no problem spending far more than $20 on gifts for people I love, totally believing that THEY are worth it. This little trip to the local drugstore was quite significant. It really brought me to a place of understanding how unworthiness can permeate my actions and choices for neglecting the care of my self, in the most basic of ways.

I am very aware of the underlying mechanism at work in terms of this kind of self-care neglect.   It is the very old story of my little one who remembers that her mother, in particular,  did not attend to her in ways that felt worthy when she was sick and wanted to be nurtured and cared for and, instead,  felt very alone.  The message that came from these early experiences was:   "You are not worth it."    So when it comes to the care of myself,   particularly illness-related,   I have carried this old message and held it to be true and factual.   Therefore,  making an investment to take care of my pain or my discomfort or to soothe and relieve me in any sort of way was often not a consideration.   Until pain or symptoms got to the point of being intolerable and then it would be a much larger cost -- like a doctor's visit and/or anti-biotics.   Today,  that would cost me roughly  $60.    And that would not be an investment of worth,   that would be an expense of neglect. 


I need to repeat this from a former post:

I am worth it.

I matter.

Tissues, a neti pot, dry skin lotion: Little investments of big worth.