Monday, March 8, 2010

The slippery slope of relapse ...


The Last Thing She Saw and it Was Beautiful
Originally uploaded by AnnuskA - AnnA Theodora

In Today's Gift from Hazelden: SLIPPING

A common rationalization about not making the program goes like this: "Harry over there slipped ten times before he made it. So what if I slip a few times?"
What is overlooked is that the last time Jack slipped, he slipped into a coffin; the last time Bob slipped, his baby son burned to death in a crib because of Bob's negligence, the last time Ann slipped, she got strychnine poisoning and became blind; and the last time Jim slipped, he tried to kill his wife and nearly did.
We're not playing games here. This is a matter of life and death.
Have I stopped slipping?

Higher Power, let me know that it is not only my life but the lives of others that I endanger by playing loaded games.


Receiving this affirmation this morning is quite timely, given what was shared with me by 2 other members in last night's meeting. A friend of ours from the rooms has had multiple relapses in the past year. With each one, he achieves another "I never". The last one involved being in dangerous crack houses coupled with drunk driving. His current resistance to working with his sponsor and staying focused on Step 1 (he believes he's being punished for relapses and wants to move further on to other Steps) has now taken him to a place where he wants to "wash his hands clean of AA". He will be leaving the country for a "break" at the end of the week; my friends and I are prepared for the possibility of him taking a permanent vacation, the kind you don't return to earth from.

This is the slippery slope of relapse. And the points in the Hazelden piece above could not be more true --- these kinds of incidents are shared in the rooms more often than we'd like to hear about. Sometimes, at regular meetings, when I see the chair once occupied by someone who is no longer seen for weeks on end, my heart sinks a little, especially if I know they were already struggling or had relapsed previously. Sometimes folks never get back in. Which actually has me ponder this: what did the people at meetings I frequented in early sobriety think when I abruptly stopped showing up ? Did I worry anyone ? I didn't bother to talk to very many people, often hiding out. And yet, we all keep an "eye" on the folks in the rooms, especially the quiet ones and the ones who show up late and leave early like I used to.

After the meeting, 2 mutual friends of the one who has retreated spoke fearfully about: "What should we do?" My response was simply: "What we can do is pray for him and let him know we're here for him.  The rest is between he and God."   AA is not a program of rescue or recruitment;  it is a program of attraction.  Part of the attraction involves wanting what others have,  a willingness,  and,  ultimately,  surrender.   The recognition and stark reality that many folks will not "get" this program is written about in the Big Book.  That's why I so appreciate at the end of a lot of AA meetings I go to, just before  the Serenity or Lord's Prayer,  this statement is made : "Let's have a moment of silence for those still sick and suffering in and out of the rooms..."

The other "myth" that these friends revealed in our discussion was this: "He's so intelligent, he KNOWS better ... why is he doing this?" Intelligence has nothing to do with recovery, that is for sure. The brightest of us die from this disease with just as much frequency as the "skid row bums". Alcoholism does not discriminate or play favorites. When we are sick, it is the addiction that convinces us it is in charge and that it knows what's best for us. Intelligence is no longer a factor.

Step work and meetings and talking with a sponsor and other members are the best defenses for relapse. I understand this now more than ever.  While I did not "relapse"  in the sense of taking a drink during the 16 and a half years out of the rooms,   I surely experienced emotional/psychological relapse,  all tools tossed by the wayside,  just an arms' length away from that next drink.    Suffering is also optional. Recovery does involve being in one's life to feel feelings, to really sit with them and not try to escape or avoid or numb or destroy them. Relapse is the very opposite. There is urgency in relapse. There is an inability to tolerate life as it is. The shouting of the disease muffles the whisper of God in relapse. Not to mention it blindfolds us and spins us around a few times until we have no idea what direction we're headed in. 

The passage of my teacher that I opened up to this morning has,  as always,  Divine alignment with this very subject:    "It is impossible not to walk to heaven or be pushed toward heaven or be kicked toward heaven while here on this earth.   The greatest teacher is life itself ...   Of course we don't always trust life.   Life has hurt us.  It can be unpredictable, changing course when we least expect - or desire - it.  But the more we trust what life brings us on a daily basis,  the more the mystery of life reveals itself, until, finally we are life itself."

Relating to this passage,  relapse is about not trusting life,  because we believe life has hurt us.   This is the victimized,  unhealed ego-driven,  small wounded self-centered place that we alcoholics justify taking a drink over.   Mystery is too dangerous and far too unpredictable a place to hang out in,  so what do we do instead?   We convince ourselves that the land of alcohol will be soothing and safe and then take a nosedive into the cavern of  addiction,  an even more treacherous place !

Unfortunately, it appears that this is where my friend has fallen and I will continue to pray for his ability to get back up.

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