The rewards of the Steps ...

Step Change
Originally uploaded by Sean Bolton
The Promises are read at my Tue night meeting. They are not often read at many meetings and there is something about hearing them that instantly fills me up ... they are indeed the rewards of the Steps. Provided that we are working the Steps. They begin with the line: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness."

Interestingly enough ... at last night's meeting, there were 2 newcomers ! This was their very FIRST AA mtg ! And, there were at least 4-5 regular members who've not been there in the past bunch of weeks who were all in attendance last night. The room was buzzing with laughter and hugs and excitement. There couldn't be a more clearer visual than that of the new Freedom and new Happiness that can be achieved by doing these Steps ! One newcomer, quite young, looked very anxious and terrified ... it was clear that it was uncomfortable for him to be here. The other newcomer, an older guy, looked resigned -- like he finally made it home. I love watching the men in this meeting actively doing their 12 step work, collecting phone numbers and talking after the meeting with these new guys to make them feel welcome and safe.

For the 3rd month of the year, we read Step 3. I simply cannot get enough of this Step. When I shared last night, I had an awareness about the pivotal nature of doing this Step and how, when I first entered AA, this was the Step I rejected and subsequently left the rooms as a result. I wouldn't turn over my will to God; I clung for dear life onto my self-will, having that very fear that I'd be the hole in the doughnut. I believed that AA was a cult and that I would become completely dependent on AA, losing my self-sufficiency and independence, which is also written about in Step 3.

I have more confidence and trust in my self today, as both an independent woman and one who knows that, when life is hard and challenging, she is able to turn her will over to the care of God. And, I am not afraid of sharing what is hard for me with people in the fellowship and in my Kabbalistic community. Part of turning my will over is also that it frees me up to let myself depend and count on others for support WITHOUT isolating OR becoming dependent in an unhealthy way on them. It is the balance of knowing when I can turn inward, to trust my own God-connected self (Tiferet in Kabbalistic speak) and when I need to connect and reach out from that place (Yesod) as a healthy way of getting help and support. This feels so good to finally be able to understand that turning my will over is not about giving up my life or my control or my independence; it is about being able to be MORE in my life, actually having more manageability AND having INTER-DEPENDENCE -- being my own person in relationship with God, with others, with the Reality of life.

The photo I chose for this post is EXACTLY how I see the rewards of the Steps: you ascend them and feel them working you and eventually, you glide down them and where you enter into is this spectacular, glorious place of serenity -- soft sand in between your toes, the ebb and flow of the tides of your life, and the limitless heavens above. It is possible. Just look around at a room full of AA's to see it for yourself.