Monday, April 18, 2011

Almost ...


Is the Glass half empty or full
Originally uploaded by Kathy~

I have received several powerful recovery messages today from expected and unexpected sources. The theme being that "almost" doesn't count.

A speaker in the morning phone meeting shared with great fervor about the importance of being 100% committed to recovery. She walked through a progression of examples of the danger of "almost" doing things and its detriment to one's recovery -- the most extreme example being: "almost using the parachute when jumping out of a plane." Seems insane, right? And when we're not fully IN our recovery, try we might ...

Then, a healing classmate posted a few lines to our class from "How It Works" in the AA Big Book. No coincidence what she chose:
"Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon."

I have learned a painful lesson recently about the ways in which taking short cuts -- my own versions of almost and half measures -- truly do avail me nothing but more suffering. I am once again standing at a turning point of sorts; the substance being... money. The great seductress and my nemesis simultaneously. If I am to have a harmonious, sober, recovered relationship to the Almighty Dollar, then I must practice my AA principles in all my affairs.

Step 1: I am powerless over money and my life has become unmanageable.

Nothing like tax time for a self-employed spending addict to hit home like a punch to the gut. Kinda like what 4th of July and Labor Day weekends are for alcoholics ... mirrors that show every blemish and wrinkle and defect that we can no longer ignore.

When I almost didn't take a drink of alcohol, I got shit-faced drunk.

When I almost manage my money, I get deeper in debt.

The white flag has been raised. I must surrender or I will surely go under. I asked His protection and care with complete abandon. I'm too desperate to care about what you think of me. To work on this with complete abandon means I need to get out of my own way and stop trying to control the show.

As my beloved fellow traveler of the recovery rooms shared her own experience of this with me today, she spoke about being a "humble cookie". I really do get it. I made a commitment, for today, to pay my creditors, those I owe, before myself. $2300 in checks were made out today to Uncle Sam. I left myself a balance of $300. In between appts, I sat in a bookstore and fought the urge to buy a latte and snack and sipped water instead from a plastic courtesy cup while I read. I spent $8 on fruits and veggies for the week at a local produce joint versus the pricey Whole Foods. As I ate my piece of chicken and baked sweet potato for dinner, I welled up with tears. Not out of self pity, but from the glimpse I took at my own humility.

I will need to re-commit tomorrow.

Almost means diddly squat.

Recovery from anything is a life and death matter.

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