Sunday, April 10, 2011

A Real Pickle


Pickles
Originally uploaded by wEnDaLicious

I have been listening to a Big Book meeting that is held every morning from 7a-8a. This group of folks, from another 12 Step Recovery program, can really break it down.

One of the best things I heard recently was the woman who kept thinking she could be a cucumber (reference to NOT wanting to be an addict) and finally accepting that she was, in fact, a pickle.

I am a real alcoholic and I know it;  I spent nearly 18 years denying it.

Never uttering the word "alcoholic" behind my name was the 1st clue.   Never sharing in an AA mtg or reading the literature or getting a sponsor.   Believing that when I "graduated"  from therapy that I then "graduated"  from AA hurled me deeper into denial.   Responding,  when asked why I don't drink,  that I am a "recovered person"  was my attempt to give a clue and yet implied that it had already happened,  in the past tense  (code for:   we don't need to talk about this anymore).    Not attending meetings for 16 plus years meant that I was not one by dis-association.   Continuing to live with an active addict and not thinking I was at risk too was sheer insanity.    But for the Grace of God,  go I ...

I just read a profound paragraph in one of my healing teacher's manuals about the nature of wholeness and how it must include our suffering, our conflict. It goes like this:

"Many years ago, I was very ill for almost seven years. A major turning point came during that seventh year when a helper I was working with asked, “What will you do if this is it? If you will never get any better than today?” I really had to stop and think. I thought that I could kill myself. It was a distinct possibility. Then I asked myself if I could live this way?
Strangely, knowing or considering—that my health might never recover gave me great relief. There was nowhere else to go. Nothing to improve upon, nothing to change. When I decided to live with my sickness, rather than stand aside and view my afflicted life as if I were not part of it, I began to heal."


 Accepting that nothing is going to change me being an alcoholic brings tremendous relief today. There is nowhere to go, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. It is me and my alcoholism and my character defects and my assets and I bring this package I call me into the world so I can heal and live in reality.


I am a REAL pickle.

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