My healing teacher has written a piece in which he asks us to examine ourselves in relationship to another -- a friend or enemy -- using the perceptions of what he calls "analog consciousness". I understand this to be a moment at a time or the title of my subject line: "freeze frame".
I did not purposefully bring this analog consciousness to a particular relationship with a student last evening, and yet, perhaps via transmission of the material, I experienced a shift in the way I interacted with this student who has been difficult in class and quite immature.
If this were a reel-to-reel film, these are the frames of the interaction:
1) I am exiting classroom in between small groups to use the bathroom.
2) Student who is sitting in hallway rises up quickly and says: "I need to speak to you right away". I hear and see urgency in her tone and in her expression.
3) I am back with myself and I know I need to use bathroom. I stay with my mission and tell her that I will speak to her after I return.
4) I am not thinking about what she has to tell me in bathroom; I am there to pee and to feel the relief of the void, having held it for last half hour.
5) I walk back in a brisk yet relaxed manner.
6) The student is sitting at a desk directly across from my chair; I sit and ask what she has to tell me.
7) She has her head down and she looks up briefly and is smirking awkwardly. She says: "I don't have a field placement any more."
8) I look directly at her: "Oh. This could pose a problem since you need one to participate in this ... "
9) She rushes in to cut me off. I feel her urgency right here. I don't engage in the power struggle but prepare for receiving the next sentence.
10) She says: "I already found another placement that I think I can do and I know someone who works there."
11) She is playing with papers on her desk nervously. Her leg is shaking wildly.
12) I feel there is something not being said and I pause.
13) I ask: "Can you tell me what happened to cause you to lose this field placement?"
14) She looks down. I feel shame emanating from her.
15) She looks back up and there is a defensive posture wrestling with a frightened little one. I see them both clearly.
16) She says: "I failed a random urine test. It was positive for marijuana."
17) All of the air leaves the room as if the bottom was going to drop out. This is not mine.
18) I feel my feet. I pause. I believe it is only seconds and yet it feels like many minutes.
19) I can feel my student's eyes on me as I am not making eye contact yet but instead contacting my interior.
20) I look up. She is leaning forward and then retreats. She looks nervously around the room. I feel her wanting to be relieved of this confession she's just made.
21) I feel the tender rawness of the space and I feel my responsibility simultaneously.
22) I tell her that I appreciate her honesty with me. She smiles and makes eye contact.
23) I tell her that an internship is as serious a matter as employment. Her smile dissipates and she looks down.
24) I say her name to bring her back into contact. She raises her head slowly.
25) I tell her that she needs to report this to our field liaison.
26) She nods and and replies "I will, I promise."
27) I look at her as if to say: "I really see you now. I didn't before. Thank you for this unexpected invitation."
More students file in and it's time to begin. There is a remant of this interaction that lingers on the ground. My topic tonight is, interestingly enough: "Maturity and Honesty in the Work Place". As I share the title and begin the discussion, I am aware of the threads of the conversation held with the student in front of me. She begins to blend into the scenery and the threads lay around the room like fallen confetti.
For the first time in a month, I do not see the "young black girl covered in tatts and an attitude"; I see a girl on her way to becoming a woman who sees that the world is no longer a playground but has streets to cross and signs to obey. The disobedient one is not "out there" but resides in me and each person seated in the room. The interaction is a blip on the radar and a blur as the night goes on. We are a semi circle of beings relating and connecting. We are already transformed and we are each healing because of the turn in the curves of the space.
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