Lost and Found ...

Pencil Vs Camera - 32
Originally uploaded by Ben Heine

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.


I am reading a book by Geneen Roth, the title of which is "Lost and Found" and she speaks about "unexpected revelations about food and money". For me, substitute the word food for alcohol and she is most definitely writing with me in mind. The jumping off point in this book is her losing 30 yrs of her life savings, a million dollars, in the grubby hands of Bernie Maddoff's investment scam. She is now catapulted into discovering what can be found from all that was lost and the similarties in behavior and the isms behind her eating disorder connected to her relationship with money.

This puts much into perspective for me. I have not lost a million dollars and I don't have any life savings ! What I believe I lost in these recent dire times is not actually anything of monetary value, but rather the illusory belief that a flow of checks coming in could provide me with all the security I would ever need, that I would indeed be taken care of in a way that I have longed for all of my life. What has been found for me is captured in the lyrics above: amazing Grace. I might add, humility. A return home, to God, to the relationship that is exactly what saves a wretch like me. I don't know how many times I need to try to take my will back before I realize that my way doesn't do diddly-squat !

Every time I can get on my knees or call out while naked in the shower or sing as I rise in the morning to make my connection with God, I have found my security. It is all I ever need.

And, here's the cool part, there are so many things I now can see that don't cost me a dime but which I have found to bring me immense joy. Digging in the earth is one; picking up trash is another. Yes you heard me right: the filthy, nasty, crumpled up stuff that people toss about the streets of my neighborhood. I covered a 4 block radius in the scorching early summer heat the other day to finally walk-the-walk and stop complaining about my littered sidewalks. I donned old gardening gloves and a large trash bag and headed out to pick up unthinkable things like used condoms, even a tampon (ick!), and every type of beer can or bottle you can think of. The most popular item to be tossed onto the street: empty chewing gum cardboard containers. So at least I know that my inconsiderate neighbors have fresh breath ! Many people stopped to say thanks and car drivers honked and gave thumbs up -- these were the unexpected gifts that were found. And, a handful of others glared and stared at me, with looks that almost spoke aloud: "Oh, look at the pitiful thing, having to pick up trash." I found such humility in the physical labor of this, the ugliness of this, the beauty after doing this ...

I want to sing again !
Amazing Grace,
how sweeeeeeeet the sound.
That saved a wretch like ME !
I once was LOST
but now, am FOUND.
Was blind, but now
I see.