Wednesday, January 18, 2012

At Her Deathbed ...

I stand today at the bedside of a loved one who is dying.

This dear soul is me.

I should clarify by saying – the former ”Who Is” of me.

What also will disintegrate in this process are the attachments held by this version of me.
Tears stream down my face as I let go and say goodbye to each of them. What finds me in the deepest well of sorrow is bidding farewell to the one who has been attached to the unavailable, with an imagined hope of  Fullness. One cannot be nourished on breadcrumbs trying to be convinced it is a feast.

She now heeds the call, which whispered her out of a deep sleep, a number of nights ago:

“Follow your own trajectory.”

I cradle this One close to my heart.

Grieving and holding and standing simultaneously, I am gazing into the eyes of suffering in a way that has never seemed possible, definitely not tolerable.

There is nothing to grasp, so I fall back into the arms of God. The lines from the AA Big Book bellow: “We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.”

Wide awake to this Reality, my face collapses into my cusped hands, defeated and surrendered.

No control: it is not yours to do but the purpose of the world itself.

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