Illumination

Luna and the Evening Star, a photo by Mr Geoff on Flickr.

I have gotten free of that ignorant fist
that was pinching and twisting my secret self.
The universe and the light of the stars come through me.
I am the crescent moon put up
over the gate to the festival.
~ Rumi

God, please release me from the bondage of Self.

It has been my own fist, as noted in Rumi's words above, that was doing the pinching and twisting.

I am currently engaged as an observer and a participant in seeing the battle I've been having nearly all of my life with myself. There has been much bloodshed and scars. I fear that I have hurt many an innocent bystander. I am perhaps as toxic as a nuclear waste site.

AND

I have goodness and light. I am holy as I am.

Opening my eyes and ears and heart a little more and a little more to all of the voices of all of the Who-Is's that make up the entity that is me, I am both surprised and weary.

A statement of the One in me who does not like uncertainty which took me aback was this:
"I don't want to die alone." I didn't know that actually lived in me.

The voices that I am sick and tired of are all the whining and complaining drones about being seen and heard and met and respected. Blah, Blah, Blah. Those are tiresome, self-seeking voices that come from trying to keep the Woe is Me story alive and well. I've read it dozens of times and it doesn't have a happy ending. Let's toss that book into the fire, shall we ?

My teacher Jason has pre-warned that the venture into examining our poisoning thoughts is a road to be trudged gingerly. I can attest, being on the trail for a spell, that it is the muddiest path I've dragged my boots in AND, for me, there is no turning back. This IS a choiceless choice. The operating mechanism on this here piece of human machinery is rusty and in dire need of an overhaul.

If I want the lights of heaven to shine through me, so that I am indeed the moon over the festival -- the celebration of Life -- I need to keep putting one dirt-drenched foot in front of the other. This is the path to Salvation. I don't want to poison another soul, including me.