Right in front of my nose ...

african pygmy hedgehog
Originally uploaded by Adam Foster | Codefor

For the past 48 hours, I have been agonizing, getting my ass kicked, by this concept of Poisoning Ground. It feels huge and powerful and difficult to tackle.

I sit on the toilet this morning and open my Daily Reflections. Here is the passage, titled : Removing "The Ground Glass"
"The moral inventory is a cool examination of the damages that occured to us during life and a sincere effort to look at them in a true perspective. This has the effect of taking the ground glass out of us, the emotional substance that still cuts and inhibits."
~ As Bill Sees It, p. 140

Jesus Fuckin Christ.

When I operate in personal-only and forget the Impersonal, it is also like trying to effectively work with only a few of the tools in my toolbelt while discarding the rest. I have been in non-dual healing mode-only for a week or more and have put my recovery principles off to the side. Bill W and my teachers Jason and Brenda have clearly all drank from the same well !

My resentments from my history are part of my poisoned ground. My character defects, including my alcoholism, are my poisoning ground!!! This is the ground glass that Bill is referring to in the passage - the emotional substance which still cuts and inhibits. The solution to working with this territory has been right in front of my nose. It's all here in the Steps !!!

Step One: I am powerless over the changing forms of others and my life has become unmanageable when I believe I can control these forms.

This really is a simple program for complicated people ...

The girl who spews poison ...

Green snake
Originally uploaded by khozism

WANTED: People-pleasing child of an alcoholic with fears of abandonment and the unknown seeks friend and/or intimate partner with narcisstic wounding and engulfment issues for incompatibility and toxic interactions.

My father, all 3 of the intimate relationships I've had with women (including my current one) and 3 of my local friends all qualify as potential matches for this classified.

I am just now understanding, particularly after the healing session I had today, about why I have co-created a specific interpersonal dynamic in my life that repeatedly activates and perpetuates the injustices of my childhood.

It is called "Poisoning Ground". It differs yet is connected to another concept in our non-dual healing school called "Poisoned Ground". The first is active while the latter is passive. Poisoning Ground refers to the ways in which we continue to carry out and spread the historically toxic potion we were raised on as children (Poisoned Ground). Hence, the title of this post: The girl who spews poison. (also a playful spin on the titles of the Stieg Larsson trilogy I am in the midst of, the 2nd book being: "The Girl who Played with Fire").

Ever since my session today, the venom in me has risen to the surface and is practically oozing out of every pore. I feel its sting and its ugliness and its lethal potential. It makes me sick inside and I want it out of me and the problem is that, when in this place of really feeling it, I want to spit it on everyone that crosses me or who I think deserves it. My healer emphasized the importance of me writing and exploring this territory, so I am unleashing it here with reckless abandon and an "I don't give a flying fuck" attitude. I want it out and spilled and emptied.

The key statement that arose today which fuels my Poisoning Ground is: "I wasn't considered". It is directly associated with the Poisoned Ground of my chaotic, alcoholic family which was organized around managing and responding to my father's drunken states and therefore could not offer attention or consideration for the children in the home. It's connected to abandonment and rejection and it is projected onto others, especially those with narcisstic qualities, because of the ways in which they are self-absorbed and do not have much to give to folks like me who are seeking companionship and connection in order to not feel abandoned. People with narcisstic wounds, as my healer explained, are looking to move away from people with my history for fear of being "sucked in" and so instead, they respond by cutting us out and killing us off. It is a deadly combination when the dynamic is not understood for what it is. And, for someone like me when I am in a small, contracted place, it completely sets off fire bells and warning signals that danger lies ahead. And that I need to defend myself. Herein is an additional explanation for my boxing glove theory that I posted a few days back.

My hypervigilance can be so sensitive and acute that as soon as I get a whiff of potential changing of form (as in my dad or former partner's inebriated emotional states), my defenses find me starting to shape-shift in relation to the other's metamorphosis. This is most likely to happen when I am feeling small and am operating in the "personal-only" and this is when Poisoning Ground mode kicks in. When I am big and can hold the personal and impersonal, I am much less apt to go into this operating mode. This is what I learned today from my healer. It is both illuminating and exasperating. She shared that I may always experience an aspect of this at some level because of the fact that I am a child of an alcoholic. The anti-dote comes in the form of acceptance and being able to hold the smaller self within my bigger self.

My continued work in this territory is to let myself know the stories I tell myself when I enter this Poisoning Ground state. To name what happens for me. To give the smaller, toxic self a voice and a place. My healer also suggested working with this question: "What would it be like to be big and small at the same time?" My all-or-nothing thinking finds me being one or the other most often.

I am calmer and clearer having released this from my system. I would much rather have it be held in the safety of this writing space than to be inflicted upon innocent beings.

I am the girl who spews poison. Not all the time and not with every person or in every interaction. But it is a truth and a statement of reality about one part of me that exists. For now, she has the right to be here and be heard.

Soaring with Imagination ...

Pencil Vs Camera - 20
Originally uploaded by Ben Heine

A classmate in my non-dual healing program made a guided audio meditation using questions that were posed in a talk given by my healer/teacher, Brenda, at our retreat last weekend.

The opening question is: "Who is the WHO that perceives the future with imagination?"

I have been meditating with this and numerous other questions every night before going to sleep and, for the first time, this morning shortly after rising. There is tremendous power in allowing statements such as these to work through oneself, as is instructed by my classmate on the audio.

As I have begun to feel into my "who is" that perceives the future with imagination, an invitation from a friend and fellow traveler in the rooms of AA co-arose. It involves a dream of mine that I never actively pursued and have always said I'd do for my 50th birthday yet never really believed I would follow through.

Skydive.

Yes, from 14,500 ft, with a 75 second free-fall, riding tandem with an experienced diver. Both my friend and I would consider doing this in September in honor of our recovery anniversaries (it is my 20th on 9/4).

My hair stylist (a Laotian woman and wise sage in disguise) said to me yesterday, out of the seemingly blue sky - no pun intended - that "happiness was a window that I needed to reach through and grab before it shut." She was making, in her own quirky way, a reference to seizing the moment and that life was indeed too short.

There is a "WHO" that lives burrowed in me that wants to "let go" in a profound way. I have always been a calculated risk-taker. Control has been a character defect and a way of trying to hold onto as many "knowns" out of sheer terror of the unknown. I have only made big changes in my life because I have been basically "pushed out of the plane" . This time around, I want to take the leap -- from a place of my own volition-desire.

The "Who is" that perceives the future with imagination is the one in me who trusts fully. Who is not concerned about managing the outcome. Who is willing and daring enough to take the literal and figurative leap of faith.

I am going to chat with the Big G before confirming the jump just in case this is not the direction I'm supposed to be going !

Geronimo !!!!

Soap, sweat and tears ...

Housework
Originally uploaded by giuseppedr

"The ego likes to think it can achieve a state called 'enlightenment', and then its work will be finished. But 'awakened' just means you'd better roll up your sleeves and pay attention, because life continues to happen."
~ Jason Shulman

My teacher goes on to speak in this passage about being in love with enlightenment, singing while he did the dishes at a monastery. This stage feels much like the "pink cloud" or "honeymoon" period that not only occurs with spirituality but in the beginning of intimate relationships or new jobs or even addiction recovery. When we're in this dreamy state, we think we've "arrived" and then the bottom drops out from underneath and if we're not paying attention, we fall hard. When we are more awake, we recognize that this is the call of reality.

What goes up, must come down. Newton's law of gravity has relevance here.

A good friend and I had a conversation about relationships over dinner last evening. She's recently had a bumpy free fall from the pink cloud she's been riding on in the form of a new girlfriend. Now that she's felt the turbulence, she's questioning why relationships have to be so hard. If it were up to her, she would always experience a state of bliss and feel loved constantly. Anything short of this is a disappointment and a rejection.

I understand this territory all too well. It's how I lived in relationship to others for a very long time. As a dear one has stated: "We have to experience the fall from grace" -- otherwise, we idealize and keep our partner on a pedastool. These false and unrealistic expectations of others is a complete set-up for failure -- for them and for us.

Being awakened -- be it in life or in a relationship -- is hard work. It does, as Jason points out, require rolling up our sleeves and paying attention. His "enlightenment" gained through dish washing does not just involve singing, but soap, sweat and tears. This is the stuff good relationships are made of. And patience. And trust. And timing. There is understanding the nature of pride and ego and transference and projection. There is action and non-action. It is about responding from one's interior and not moving too quickly based on the other's exterior. It's give and take and asking the other to give a little or being okay to take some. One of my favorite lines of a Maroon 5 song is: "It's not only rainbows and butterflies but compromise that moves us along."

And life continues to happen. We can work hard and make plans and believe we're making headway toward the most ideal outcome and life still unfolds as it will. And this may not be anywhere close to the destination we stuck the push pin at on the roadmap of our life. This makes the ego stand up and get its feathers ruffled. What d'ya mean we're not going north ? Who put this detour here ???? Time to get back into the car or on our bike or with another set of hiking boots and follow the path that's now here.

And here's the cool part: we still can sing in the middle of trepidation because we're awake to it. After my head-over-heels phases of my current relationship, there have been periods of minimal contact or sets of challenging conversations or tough processing through the individual aspects that clash between us. Some of the best love-making I have ever experienced has been right after a down and dirty, raw honest discussion. The egos have been wrestled to the ground and the nakedness of that moment is shimmery, sweaty enlightenment.

Taking off the gloves ...

Originally uploaded by kk+

In my continued quest to understand the nature of my defenses, I came to some awakenings this morning after praying and yoga, as I quietly sipped coffee at my kitchen table.

Before, during and after my drinking period (especially when I was not spiritually aware or working a recovery program), I was deceptive and dishonest - with myself and with others. Born out of this deceitful behavior was a pair of boxing gloves. So I could deflect away any attempts to get the real truth out of me. I built up a set of punches in the form of elaborate explanations, excuses, along with a defensive stance in order to not be caught in my web of lies. As soon as the questions began to take on an interrogative tone, I was ready to jump in the ring. And, while I have become more and more honest over time, I can recognize how the bell to signal the next round goes off inside when I am in an interaction with another and there is some form of "grilling" or excessive questioning that places an emphasis on my behavior. It transports me directly back to when that kind of interrogation was warranted. Today, it is the imbalance of the interaction that catches me off guard and the gloves are on before I'm even conscious of it. Underneath all of this, particularly because I have worked so hard to be honest, is the idea that "someone doesn't believe me". It's an old scab re-opened, revealing such shameful past coping mechanisms: pretending; exaggerating; lying.

I also know this to be true of my defense system: if I feel misunderstood in a way that has a flavor of judgment or disbelief, my frustration with the other in the interaction brings about my defendedness. I get this feeling inside of wanting to shake them, to say: "Why don't you get me?" or "How many ways do I have to communicate this?" I take on their inability to understand in that moment personally rather than to try to understand where THEY are getting stuck. Simple questions of curiosity would alleviate the need for me to position myself awaiting the 1-2 punch. "What is it about what I am saying seems confusing or hard to understand?" OR I can just name, honestly, what I am experiencing: "I am feeling frustrated in this interaction. I am feeling misunderstood."

There is a direct link to these uncoverings and a statement of kavanah that I created for myself at a workshop this past weekend at my non-dual healing retreat. It was to be a visionary statement of intention for the next 6 months. My statement is: "To know my truth is enough." I feel the connection to really being in the world, living this statement -- without defendedness. If my truth is indeed enough, then there is nothing to defend. I don't have to retreat into the past narrative about how I am not believed or am mistrusted by others.

The real healing in all of this is forgiveness. To forgive the ways in which these old behaviors and associated defenses served a purpose at a particular time in my life. To forgive myself for doing the best I could at that time and acknowledging that I have moved on. To forgive others for simply being human and innocent in the ways their actions may trigger my transference. To forgive my own imperfect humanness and the fact that my small self/ego may still get activated.

It's okay sweetie. Take off the gloves.

On the track laid down for me ...

Stazione abbandonata di S.Bernardino - Long train running
Originally uploaded by Funky64 (www.lucarossato.com)

In this past weekend's non-dual healing retreat, our teacher Jason spoke at great length about the concept of vision. A piece of his talk that has struck me since returning home is about moving out of our trance and following instead the track laid down for us, as we continue to travel forward. On this "pure subjective" train, I have a car that carries feelings, another transporting thoughts, one for transference, another that holds dreams and so on. And the train is not something outside of me that I am viewing; I am the moving vehicle, gliding along each unfolding track that is the path of my life. God is both the track layer and the conductor. It is with deep faith that I chug along, sometimes slowly and sometimes swiftly. I understand that if I jump the tracks, it is because I didn't trust God's plan for me and took my will back and have to literally get "back on track".

Over the past couple of years, I have viewed varied terrain from the windows of my train. I am always most comfortable when the landscape is predictable and familiar and in broad daylight. Sometimes, however, it is so dark that I am scared I will become a literal train wreck. This brings me back to a place of trusting my conductor and knowing that in the willingness to keep moving forward, I am traveling toward my truth and more wholeness.

Returning from this retreat, my train has entered a long tunnel. It is dark yet I have an awareness of light peeking in just ahead. I am anxious and cautious and yet I cannot NOT proceed. This leg of my journey is connected to the next phase of the relationship I am in with a woman I love deeply. She is forging ahead in her own truth-train, in another tunnel, most likely pitch-black and perhaps with a sense of light too. She is taking the next step toward the ending of her marriage. It is a time of great courage and bravery and riding the rails of complete unknown. And yet, she too trusts the track laid down for her. She has asked for the souls in our community to hold her train on this path, perhaps to even be cemented into the concrete of the tunnel which is guiding her in the darkness.

This is a literal leap of faith. Each of our trains are following a particular set of tracks, with the hope that we will eventually ride toward the same station. There are no guarantees even in this. Her train may continue on a set of tracks that move far far away from mine and vice-versa. Either one of us may de-rail. We may actually collide. My only mission in this moment is to continue on the track laid down for me and she, on the one laid down for her.

This is about trusting God's unfolding for each of us. To not question or expect a particular outcome but to be engaged in and ride fully into the life of what is now. This moment is all there is.

Sword and Shield

Master Sword & Hylian Shield
Originally uploaded by msondo

First time sitting at the computer after a week's writing hiatus amid a 4 day retreat with my non-dual healing community. My fingers have been beyond itchy and my thoughts bubbling over so much so that my head almost spontaneously combusted !

The theme of this retreat: vision and the "pure subjective". What would life look like if we didn't follow a known narrative ? Can we live our life moment-to-moment, following a path that's been laid out for us rather than one we've created a story about ? As my healer described: "Being wrestlers with God".

It is emphasized in our school of non-duality that our real work is done in relationship. An incredible healing discussion that unfolded over the course of a couple of days with the woman I love was steeped in the essence of the retreat. It can be described succinctly using this simple metaphor: sword and shield. My historical narrative is about defending against chaos and all things unknown and unpredictable. I am the one behind the shield in our relationship. Her story is about having the sharp edge against those defensive ones who always placed her at blame. Destroy before being destroyed. She wields the sword in our dyad.

One more layer is also here: my core wounding is abandonment so I hypervigilantly am on guard for any sign of change. Her core wounding is related to being engulfed and invaded, so she changes form constantly -- perhaps as a way to protect herself and be hidden from being pinned down and fully seen.

We recognized in an illuminating discussion yesterday before parting that it is quite probable we chose one another to truly heal those aspects of ourselves that get activated by the other's opposing wound and subsequent defense/attack strategies.

My future work -- for myself and in relationship with her -- is to understand the subtleties and nuances of my defending coupled with learning more about the nature of her changing form and how to be in contact even when the edges of her blade are poised to jab without having to break out the heavy armour. More importantly, I need to be able to practice meeting her as she morphs without creating a storyline about having to defend or to be anxious about making something known out of fear of the unknown. I pray for the willingness to be surprised.

There is something tingly and exciting about having blank pages rather than a tight script, realizing it can actually be a rivoting mystery rather than a tale of suspenseful terror ! One sentence at a time.

I am feeling myself surrender as I imagine the lightness of putting the shield down.

To be continued ...