Monday, August 2, 2010

Sword and Shield


Master Sword & Hylian Shield
Originally uploaded by msondo

First time sitting at the computer after a week's writing hiatus amid a 4 day retreat with my non-dual healing community. My fingers have been beyond itchy and my thoughts bubbling over so much so that my head almost spontaneously combusted !

The theme of this retreat: vision and the "pure subjective". What would life look like if we didn't follow a known narrative ? Can we live our life moment-to-moment, following a path that's been laid out for us rather than one we've created a story about ? As my healer described: "Being wrestlers with God".

It is emphasized in our school of non-duality that our real work is done in relationship. An incredible healing discussion that unfolded over the course of a couple of days with the woman I love was steeped in the essence of the retreat. It can be described succinctly using this simple metaphor: sword and shield. My historical narrative is about defending against chaos and all things unknown and unpredictable. I am the one behind the shield in our relationship. Her story is about having the sharp edge against those defensive ones who always placed her at blame. Destroy before being destroyed. She wields the sword in our dyad.

One more layer is also here: my core wounding is abandonment so I hypervigilantly am on guard for any sign of change. Her core wounding is related to being engulfed and invaded, so she changes form constantly -- perhaps as a way to protect herself and be hidden from being pinned down and fully seen.

We recognized in an illuminating discussion yesterday before parting that it is quite probable we chose one another to truly heal those aspects of ourselves that get activated by the other's opposing wound and subsequent defense/attack strategies.

My future work -- for myself and in relationship with her -- is to understand the subtleties and nuances of my defending coupled with learning more about the nature of her changing form and how to be in contact even when the edges of her blade are poised to jab without having to break out the heavy armour. More importantly, I need to be able to practice meeting her as she morphs without creating a storyline about having to defend or to be anxious about making something known out of fear of the unknown. I pray for the willingness to be surprised.

There is something tingly and exciting about having blank pages rather than a tight script, realizing it can actually be a rivoting mystery rather than a tale of suspenseful terror ! One sentence at a time.

I am feeling myself surrender as I imagine the lightness of putting the shield down.

To be continued ...

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