Monday, August 23, 2010

I am Here ... Here I am


Pencil Vs Camera - 23
Originally uploaded by Ben Heine

I have continued to work with my relationship between my Big self and my Little self. Specifically, I have dropped to more of an understanding of why all the question marks in relationship to another have been so unsettling and how my staying with my Little self and not abandoning her is bringing me deeper into what can be known, while being more settled with the greater landscape of unknowns.

An example of this is the state of things in my current relationship. There are more unknowns than ever before and initially, this found my Little self in particular very activated. After a few healings over the past 2 weeks and working hard to give voice and presence to this small soul who is the bearer of the bulk of my entire being's woundedness, there is an awareness that is getting clearer and clearer: The only "known" that exists in relationship to another is "I am here" in this moment of time and this is what is true for me. When I know where I am, then in relationship to another, I show up in a place of "Here I am" and it is safe to be with all of the other unknowns. This includes things like: "Will I be displeasing or be left or have a consequence if I share this?" or "What is going to happen in our relationship a week/a month/6 months from now?"

It feels like a revelation. I must say it again outloud: The only known is where I am ! I am here ... Here I am ! Holy Shit and Hallelujah!
Where you are is not for me to figure out or obsess or ponder about. It is, however, up to the other person to communicate and bring themselves into relationship by sharing their own "I am here". When each of us can do this, it is kindness -- to ourselves and to the person we're in relationship with.

I spent the weekend with a dear friend. On her bookshelf was a gem that had sat collecting dust: "Perfect Love/Imperfect Relationships: Healing the wound of the heart" by John Welwood. I began to read it yesterday afternoon during some downtime when a storm was passing through. Divine timing at its best. He speaks about the terrain on which I am presently trodding. What stands out thus far is his discussion about the oneness and twoness of intimate relationships. It is parallel to the non-duality I've been studying. Separation is necessary for coming together and vice-versa. Fresh moments of discovery are born out of working through old associations and memories. There will be peaks and valleys, understanding that is preceded by lack of understanding. What has really resonated about my current relationship based on what he writes about early on in this book is that -- the most significant of all these polarities -- there has to be an "I" that stands on her own and is willing to join a "You" that is able to do the same -- each with our humanness, our wounds, our idiosynchrocies and imperfections.

I am here... there is a sense of freedom in knowing where I stand, what is being in integrity for me, what is important, what are my non-negotiables. In this way, I have a mission to not abandon myself. To really stay and honor the voice of my interior. To meet my partner full and whole from this place in me... Here I am.

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