The Intimacy of War

Wrestling-women
Originally uploaded by Charles_Agnew

Historically, for my unhealed ego, the following were held as truths:
Same = good; change = bad.

My distorted thinking was that if I can control it (a person, a situation, a state of being) then it will not change. My healer in a session today went on to say that my resistance is a fear of change to a particular form. This fear is driven by a perception entrenched in my wounded-ness that “the world is not dependable”. Some of the questions my small, unhealed ego has echoed repeatedly in my ear are: “Is it safe?” and “Can I trust this?”

Quite recently, I have taken a cannonball leap into the pool of changing forms. I have not wanted to see them as something outside of me that are dangerous or need to be controlled or manipulated. I want to be in the heartbeat of life, even if mine is pounding way too fast from anxiety, so that I can feel the fluidity (versus rigidity) of my own form and not react in the presence of other changing forms.

What has been essential in this shift is that in order for there to be true healing, this work has to be done in relationship. So why not do this with the person I love most -- who also happens to be the one who presents me with the greatest challenges to my small unhealed ego. Our histories trigger one another in a HUGE way. They are opposing forces of the most activating kind.

This work has required being grounded and well-connected to my interior. To not react impulsively but rather to see the Reality of what is happening on the outside, with her, and to try my darndest to not take it personally. The way that this played out just a week ago was in a heated conversation about each of our individual perspectives on what being in integrity means in terms of our relationship. We each shared viewpoints which were polar opposite and could have potentially meant killing the other off. We did not stoop to that level. Instead, we each took a stance from our individual places of integrity. There was dissonance and conflict felt intensely, even after the conversation ended. We were 2 forces pushing up against the other. In my not-so-distant past, the notion of such an interaction would have been terrifying and I would have re-coiled, avoiding anything that had a whiff of disagreement and would’ve went so far as to smooth things over, create harmony. This was me trying to have things be the same and not change, to have the illusion of safety.

In sharing this with my healer during our session today, she noted how we were truly valuing war. And that in this kind of “war” – holding positions, bone-on-bone, honest realness - there was a place for true intimacy to arise from the battlefield. She also highlighted that there was a wisdom in each of our stances – a line from our conflict resolution practice (MAGI) was so fitting: “To stand for good is to bear standing for change.” We each stood for what was good and important to us (our individual integrities) and by doing so, it opened up space for softening and an opportunity to see the “big picture” of our relationship. I was actually able to see this after being with my initial feelings of anger and frustration and then stepping back and gaining clarity about where she was in relationship to where I was in our individual places of integrity. And, here’s the really cool part: she & I could actually talk openly about this today ! My favorite quote of all time from my healer is: “True intimacy is freedom”. It has taken on a new level of meaning for me after today. The intimacy of being able to be at war with someone I love deeply offers a freedom beyond my wildest imagination. Kinda like naked Jello wrestling !


There is glistening in truth and not from “false pretty” – a phrase coined by my healer. My beloved and I concurred in our conversation today that we tried hard our first half or more of the relationship to be pleasing and to please one another. To disclose honestly of ourselves was way too risky, especially based on the associations made from the consequences of our histories. The intimacy of war offers consistency and even safety in the trustworthiness of speaking and standing by one's truth. This, to me, is fighting the good fight. I am aware in this moment that this is the exact path where we will learn to bear and meet life and each other. I believe this is all my Future Self has ever wanted for me.