Spiderweb, Home is where you weave it.
Originally uploaded by moonjazz
The whole dynamic of Relationship is multi-faceted, complex, and intricate to the point that its threads are beyond the vision of the human eye. The kind of stuff only surgeons and scientists have the equipment for !
The woman I love and I are each examining our individual parts and pieces that we bring into relationships. It's become easier and more illuminating to see how the tiniest specs of each of our histories can have an impact on the other. And how quickly, if we are not awake to these dynamics, the miniscule threads can begin to overlap and merge and tangle. Even more startling: if one has been asleep in a relationship that has extended over a long time period, then the web of each others' crap that has been jumbled up over a duration is like the mother of all spider webs: frayed and broken at places, some threads barely hanging on, lots of really small ones all twisted up so you can't tell the individual pieces or where some begin and others end. We both have been guilty of weaving tangled, messy spider webs with long term partners and we're trying really hard to not repeat the same patterns.
This is not an easy feat ! I can identify something that is from my history and even know how I react when this aspect of my history is activated and she can identify the same and I can now see how when she is acting in the place of her history how it impacts mine and vice-versa. And here's where the web has to get more untangled -- it's the whole debate: which came first, the chicken or the egg?
When we're together, does my history show up in some subtle way and because she's so sensitive and picks it up, then she begins to act from her history OR does she begin pre-figuring particular actions from her history underground and in my hypervigilance, I get a whiff of what's coming down the pike and then act from my history?
Most couples would not even have a clue that this shit is going on because they never bother to look in that closet or that corner in the basement of the relationship.
A practical example to illustrate the above:
We're hanging out, having great sex, laughing, connecting - a really good time. Then, the next morning there's the "look" or the energetic pulling back in her. Sometimes, there's "my look" and it's one of longing, wanting to hang on to the good times. In her state, she may just be pre-occupied and names it and then there's more intimacy. I may recognize my own desire for connection and also identify that she appears to be getting ready to take space or pull back and I can name it. Underground, she may anticipate that my "little one" who gets fearful of being abandoned is going to surface and then she pulls out even more in a historical reaction OR I see what's about to come and say to myself: "Shit, things were just gettin good and now she's moving away" and then my historical reaction is here because there's a feeling that I'm gonna get left and it doesn't feel safe.
My head is spinning just looking at all of this !
Someone from the outside peering in may say: "Why bother? This is too much work !" Can't it just be light and easy ?
Sometimes I say that to myself too. Can't things just be simple and our histories get packed up in the attic somewhere ? Why the fuck does everything have to be processed to ad infinitum ?
The truth is that the detailed front end work makes things run that much more smoothly on the back end. Part of making a commitment, I am coming to understand, is the willingness to do the work. To be accountable for what's mine and she for what's hers. To be rigorously honest. To be clear and direct. To know what the narrative is that we each begin to recite when the historical material is presenting itself. To leave no thread untangled.
Spiderwoman and the Poison Spewer. Do they have what it takes for the long haul ? Can they get a grip on their own superheroine powers and not put each other under a spell ? Stay tuned ...
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