Taking off the gloves ...

Originally uploaded by kk+

In my continued quest to understand the nature of my defenses, I came to some awakenings this morning after praying and yoga, as I quietly sipped coffee at my kitchen table.

Before, during and after my drinking period (especially when I was not spiritually aware or working a recovery program), I was deceptive and dishonest - with myself and with others. Born out of this deceitful behavior was a pair of boxing gloves. So I could deflect away any attempts to get the real truth out of me. I built up a set of punches in the form of elaborate explanations, excuses, along with a defensive stance in order to not be caught in my web of lies. As soon as the questions began to take on an interrogative tone, I was ready to jump in the ring. And, while I have become more and more honest over time, I can recognize how the bell to signal the next round goes off inside when I am in an interaction with another and there is some form of "grilling" or excessive questioning that places an emphasis on my behavior. It transports me directly back to when that kind of interrogation was warranted. Today, it is the imbalance of the interaction that catches me off guard and the gloves are on before I'm even conscious of it. Underneath all of this, particularly because I have worked so hard to be honest, is the idea that "someone doesn't believe me". It's an old scab re-opened, revealing such shameful past coping mechanisms: pretending; exaggerating; lying.

I also know this to be true of my defense system: if I feel misunderstood in a way that has a flavor of judgment or disbelief, my frustration with the other in the interaction brings about my defendedness. I get this feeling inside of wanting to shake them, to say: "Why don't you get me?" or "How many ways do I have to communicate this?" I take on their inability to understand in that moment personally rather than to try to understand where THEY are getting stuck. Simple questions of curiosity would alleviate the need for me to position myself awaiting the 1-2 punch. "What is it about what I am saying seems confusing or hard to understand?" OR I can just name, honestly, what I am experiencing: "I am feeling frustrated in this interaction. I am feeling misunderstood."

There is a direct link to these uncoverings and a statement of kavanah that I created for myself at a workshop this past weekend at my non-dual healing retreat. It was to be a visionary statement of intention for the next 6 months. My statement is: "To know my truth is enough." I feel the connection to really being in the world, living this statement -- without defendedness. If my truth is indeed enough, then there is nothing to defend. I don't have to retreat into the past narrative about how I am not believed or am mistrusted by others.

The real healing in all of this is forgiveness. To forgive the ways in which these old behaviors and associated defenses served a purpose at a particular time in my life. To forgive myself for doing the best I could at that time and acknowledging that I have moved on. To forgive others for simply being human and innocent in the ways their actions may trigger my transference. To forgive my own imperfect humanness and the fact that my small self/ego may still get activated.

It's okay sweetie. Take off the gloves.