Will the REAL self please stand up?

Bowie
Originally uploaded by Terra Kate
"The ego is always creating a self."
~ Jason Shulman, Work of Return

There was a game show in the late 50's/early 60's called: "To Tell the Truth". There would be the actual person and then 2 imposters. The key line before the correct person was revealed was always: "Will the real ________, please stand up?" There would be a "fake out" by one or both of the imposters ( I can remember tensing up as I watched) and then the real person would step forward (and I would relax again). I loved this show and guessing who was pretending and who had the best poker face, covering up their true identity.

This game, in many ways, is not so terribly different than the one our ego plays in our minds or out in public or in a stressful interaction. We make up ourselves in our own image or in the image of others when we don't have a sense of our own true nature.

I participated in a workshop this past weekend re-learning a non-dual practice called Work of Return. I actually did this work a year and a half ago and wanted a refresher. It was like seeing with a totally different set of lenses. It was an incredible eye opener about how asleep I was when I took it the first time. The fact that the concept of "suffering" is infused in the entire practice and hearing about it this past weekend was as if it was brand new information. Is it possible to have been in the world while living part-time in a coma? This is what this experience felt like to me.

One of the key statements in the workshop about suffering was that: "It [suffering] is a disconnect between ourselves and who we really are." Our ego would like to convince us that IT is all we are. And when we listen only to our ego, it is quite convincing ! Example conversation between me and my ego:
Ego: "Who do you think you're fooling? _______ is never gonna happen for you ! Quit while you're ahead."
Me: "Really ? You think so? I guess you're right. I didn't want ____ anyway ! Fuck _____ ! "

Before I know it, I not only believe what my ego has told me is the "truth" about myself, but I am persuaded to dismiss my original desire/truth over this newly created one ! Cunning, baffling, powerful -- as we say about alcohol in AA ! So too can be the unhealed ego, which clings to a lesser view and drags us down to its level when we're not grounded and solid in the truth of ourselves.

What hit home for me in the workshop was the fact that the ego throws up symptoms in defense of not wanting to experience suffering of any kind: change, the unknown. no-thingness. One such "symptom" that I was able to "catch" in the moment during the workshop was a habit of mine that I'll call: "picking". At the height of this behavior, I was with my former partner in the last couple years of our relationship. I scratched open sores on my head constantly, til they bled. I watched a video of myself conducting a training during this period and was mortified to see how often (and seemingly unconscious) I scratched at my head while facilitating a group ! This behavior settled down over the past 2 years, as I became more mindful about the fact I didn't want to engage in it. Over the past few weeks, it re-surfaced big-time. I became aware over the weekend that this is indeed a symptom of my unhealed ego -- trying to distract me from being fully present to current suffering: fear of unknown, changing forms, uncertainty of many kinds.

I worked with this symptom as part of the practice. The urge to scratch lessened by the next day. And the usual "picky spots" nearly dissipated by today ! I allowed myself to be fully in relationship with the symptom, which in turn, allowed me to be fully in relationship with life and with myself. And then it really bowled me over: this is why AA works ! Because the unhealed ego before we come into the rooms tells us that we're: ______ [fill in the blank] funnier, prettier, sexier, more interesting ... when we have alcohol in us. We "buy into" the "drinking self" when the ego is in charge during our alcoholism. When we hit our bottom and get sober and enter AA, we're encouraged to engage with the symptoms of our ego that used alcohol as a deterrent to not experience suffering. These symptoms can include: fearfulness; anxiety; not having a sense of belonging; not wanting to feel; not wanting to be in reality. The list goes on and on. Bill W mentions the ego countless times in all of the AA literature -- it's for a darn good reason !

And we revert back to old behaviors, like with my picking or like when someone relapses in their substance use, when the tug or the urgency to disconnect from the true self who wants to be "married to life" is fueled by the ego in its desperate attempt to falsely "protect" the self from having to suffer. This feels like what is at the root of "craving" -- the seduction of the ego in creating a "wanting self" ... "C'mon... just one sip won't hurt. You can have a bite of _____, you deserve it."

I'm awake in this moment to the imposters that my ego would like to coerce me into thinking I am. The REAL self is standing up to claim her rightful place.