Flapping Forward, 1 wing at a time ...

Flying in Paradise
Originally uploaded by Shudipto

In my 20's, I spent a lot of time in my head reminiscing in deep melancholy about the past. Re-living it, wanting certain moments to never end, being in my life from history-only. I was riddled with anxiety, depression, alcoholism, and fear. I was self-deprecating and unsure, trying to anchor back to the past for security.

In my 30's, I obsessed about the future. Planning, worrying, experiencing insomnia. In this anxious state, I tried to manage and control everything and everyone. I wanted things to be predictable. I did not trust the Universe or any God. And, I thought I was really "together".

In my current decade, the 40's, I have experienced tremendous transformation -- particularly in the past few years. The concept of "The Present Moment" was introduced to me and it was foreign and uncomfortable and took some time to accept as a way of being in the world. Re-entry into AA coupled with my non-dual healing program has enabled me to both grasp being "here and now" as well as how to let go of lingering too long in the past and obsessing about the future. Instead, I am learning how to be informed by my past and guided by my future.

What I still have difficulty in grasping is how to collapse a past/present/future moment so that my way of being in the world is not relying on the linear view of time -- this is what can send me in either direction away from the present. I feel myself taking baby steps and stumbling a lot. When I am steeped in my practices, I can feel this as being really possible and tangible. I feel myself as a seated, rooted person in the present moment - aware and able to gaze back on her past and listen to the call of her Future self. When I am more lax in practice or even in my recovery work, I can readily daydream and long for "what was" as well as propel myself so far ahead that I am masterminding future outcomes.

In my life, in this very moment, I am both certain and uncertain. What I know is that I am preparing to teach a number of classes and that I am writing and praying and going to meetings and attending to the daily routines of earthplane living. What I don't know is ... because I just don't know. And there are hundreds of things behind the dot, dot, dot. In just typing that, I could feel the unease, a wave of nausea, tears at the back of my eyes.

In the place of being in the present while aware of my history and uncertain of my future, I can feel myself wanting to stall and stop at times. This is when I get afraid to move because I don't even want my own form to change. Other times, most of the time in fact, I am aware of my motion which follows a direction which is responding to a call. This is very subtle and can also be dramatic. For now, I am naming it: flapping forward, 1 wing at a time. I really have no idea where I am going, but I am being guided to go ahead. And to not veer off when I'm scared. And to absolutely, under no circumstances, abandon myself. I am okay with this uncharted map, for now, because I trust the compass.