Sunday, October 30, 2011

Inviting Everything In ...

O  n  e   H  u  n  d  r  e  d. by Tomasito.!
O n e H u n d r e d., a photo by Tomasito.! on Flickr.
There is a meditation from my Healing teacher that I have been working with, entitled: "Inviting Everything In".

The intention is to welcome all parts of ourselves: the small frightened parts; the courageous parts; the selfish parts; the devoted parts; the parts that are "standing guard".

This meditation has been working me more than I am practicing it.

As the day unfolded, I found myself getting increasingly indecisive, which then resulted in me getting very irritated and cranky. I couldn't even decide when I was going to take a shower or what to have for lunch ! I kept leafing through the AA meeting list book and unable to pick a meeting or a time. Finally, I moved into the shower and I was on the verge of tears as I lathered my hair, feeling like something in me was cracking. I made a simple salad for lunch because I couldn't figure out anything else even though there were a variety of potentially interesting options.

I got on my usual Sunday call with two heaing classmates and I shared exactly where I was at. This led to a discussion about the meditation and inviting everything in. One of my classmates noted how she's aware of how I had been trying to "let go" of some of the rigid ways I've adopted and always needing to have my days filled up. The other classmate saw my indecisiveness as a friend, a teacher --offering me an invaluable lesson about being unstructured. Just then the insight slammed into me: I had been viewing the part of me who was indecisive as a difficulty, a nuisance, something that I wanted to get rid of. Right there in front of me was the real trouble-maker: my own resistance. I didn't see this part for the gift that it was. I was holding onto a story about worthiness tied to being productive, busy, having my day planned out. The inability to make decisions was a comfortable chair being pulled out for me to rest and relax into -- to not have to rush to somewhere or to do something.

As the discussion went on, another insight bubbled up. It was about being a kid and not being able to go out to play with the other kids until I completed my chores. When I was tall enough to reach the sink, I was directed to do dishes. And then vacuum. Eventually, mow the grass and use the hedge clippers. I, like my mother then, had to accomplish a number of tasks to have some assemblance of order, control and even worth. I had a memory during this discussion about really wanting to go out with friends on their bikes on a sunny summer day and my mother having me vacuum first. I tried to rush and she followed me and pointed the tip of her sneaker at the pieces of dirt I missed. I was fuming inside and ran the vacuum right into her foot on purpose ! She was furious and immediately forbid me to leave the house and I was banished to my room for the day. I stewed and cried and wished her dead.

The part I invited in today was the one in me that stands guard and is quite fearful -- an inner tyrant. I had her make friends with the indecisive one who showed up earlier who was requesting that she "Back the fuck off !". My classmates and I had a belly laugh at the tyrant's expense !

I got off the call without a plan for the rest of the day. I walked the dog, then surfed the Net looking at car reviews and interesting boots. I read. I really wanted to go to an AA meeting and flipped open the book randomly and chose one that was in another county - about a half hr away. On my way there, I got lost. I stayed the course and trusted my sense of direction. It literally just "popped up" ! It made me smile inside.

It was a Step meeting and tonight was Step 4. I almost burst out in a fit of giddiness at the absolute rightness of being there and getting exactly what I needed. "A fearless and searching moral inventory" translates to: "Inviting Everything In". I still can't stop smiling ...

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