Saturday Night's Alright for Cookin'

Don't give me none of your aggravation

Try to coax me out so I can fit in

 Saturday night's alright for cookin

Get a little stirrin in ...

Saturday night has been one of the most overrated evenings in existence.  In my young adulthood,  there was so much pressure to go out on a Saturday night.   You were a "big loser"  if you didn't have exciting plans.   In my drinking days,  Saturday night was the one that got built up all week long as THE party night (over time,  any night of the week would do just fine !)    Even after I put down the booze,  I still responded to this social conditioning of needing to have great plans for a Saturday night.   Over the past couple of years,  I have actually come to treasure staying in on this night and doing something I enjoy or would not normally have the time to savor during the week.   One such thing is cooking.   And listening to good music.   I spent 2 hours this evening making homemade marinara sauce and meatballs (the actual concotion is depicted above) while jamming to tunes from the '60's on AOL radio.   It was absolutely delightful.  And relaxing.   This is what being sober enables me to enjoy on a Saturday night.   I'd like to debunk the myth about this being a legendary evening of the week -- it's simply another moment in time.   If it is not authentically pleasurable,  then it's a night dressed up in a pretty package without the goods inside.    

I am not against having fabulous Saturday night plans AND I am also equally thrilled when the plan is "no plans".   There is something delicious and sacred about that too.

And here's the best part for me:   when I wake up Sunday morning,  I don't feel like shit from a hangover.   Or can't get out of bed because I stayed out too late.   And I don't have to wonder who I offended because I drank at them in a hazy stupor.  

The meatballs will now get to bathe in the sauce overnight and be scrumptious for my dinner guests tomorrow.  My apartment is squeaky clean.   I am showered and in PJ's.  I can't wait to get under the covers on this extraordinarily ordinary Saturday night.

Spiritual health doesn't always feel good ...

Heart
Originally uploaded by seyed mostafa zamani
At my women's meeting this evening, a reading from the Grapevine highlighted the fact that one can be in good spiritual health and this does not necessarily correspond to "feeling good". That, in fact, we could be sitting in the middle of something deeply painful and yet experience incredible spirituality.

This makes so much sense to me, especially given what I have been learning in my non-dual healing school. Being spiritually healthy to me is about feeling the Truth of my interior (i.e. pain, anger, grief) and having willingness to sit with it and not try to extinguish or squelch or minimize it in some way. What I understand from tonight's reading is that, if I am not "acting out" or projecting or blaming others for what I am feeling inside, then I am actually taking steps toward spiritual growth.

Some members of our group tonight had some difficulty in wrapping their brains around the idea that feeling good does not equal good spiritual health and that feeling bad does not equal bad spiritual health. I am very aware of the ways in which I have put on a spiritual facade which was a ruse for not being in relationship to my feelings. So if I pretended that everything was "just fine" , wore a happy mask, did things like yoga and mindfulness meditation, then surely I was spiritually sound. I convinced myself (and others) of this for years, particularly during the time period of my ex-partner's substance abuse. If it looks Buddha-like and acts Buddha-like, then it must be a Buddha, right ?

Thanks to an amazing healer and school and AA community, I know now that my spiritual fitness has been shaped by wrestling with life's challenges, jogging into the unknown, surfing waves of transference, and hiking across a rocky terrain of emotions. Sometimes I am downright sore and feel like my ass has been whipped and I have also seen the benefits of my workout in the form of serenity, honest communication, improved relationships, a stronger connection to God.

Prayer , non-dual practices, healings, and going to meetings allow me to invite my feelings to be seen and heard and to have a place to exist. Even the ugly ones and the crappy painful ones and the potentially shameful ones. When I do this, I feel closer to God and to myself. This feels like true spiritual health.

Nature's Late Summer Shout-outs

This morning I went to my favorite field to do some non-dual practices.   With my dog in tow.   She runs and sniffs other dog's pee spots and rolls in geese droppings while I move in seemingly unnatural ways and make strange sounds.   I don't know who the odder one of the two of us really is !

During my practice,  there was a turkey vulture overhead.   I couldn't help but be enthralled with its graceful circling above me.   It simply became part of my practice.

On our walk back,  there were these glorious flowers that couldn't help but shout out their beauty,  pleading to be admired.    Here are a few ...

 Bursting petals of sensuality

  Heart-widening ripples of love

Grace bowing to the earth

Joker's Wild

Calling Your Bluff
Originally uploaded by Splooge-tastic Gooner-Licious
In a healing session with a classmate this morning, I explored my journey with Truth, from pathological dishonesty to fierce integrity.

A highlight of this discussion was the telling of a story when I was 11 years old. On one of the first days back to school, entering the 6th grade, we were asked to take turns sharing what we did on our summer vacation. I felt myself wanting to disappear from sheer embarassment as my classmates told tales of great trips and adventures, while I knew that the "truth" of my summer was that I did absolutely nothing noteworthy by comparison. When it was my turn to share, my creative imagination went into full gear. I told an over-the-top story, outright lie, of going to California with my family because I was on the game show, Joker's Wild, for children's week. And how I won $500 ! The class went crazy with excitement and were full of questions at recess and I made up every last answer. This would come to bite me right in the ass when, several weeks later at a PTA meeting, my teacher would congratulate my mother for my game show feat. I got the verbal whiplashing of my life when she returned home ! I can remember crying my eyes out and speaking the "truth" of the shame I felt because all the other kids did interesting things and went on fun trips and our family didn't do anything. And to name that truth with my mother was downright dangerous. Like when I would hit my breaking point about my father's alcohol consumption and would eventually lash out and say things like: "I don't want to be around him drunk". And my mother would look at me, shaking her finger, defending against this with all her might: "Don't you ever say those things again, young lady !"

The "Joker's Wild" , as my classmate pointed out today, was a metaphor for the holograph I was acting out in my tall tale. In card-speak, the term "Joker's wild" (which was true for the strategy on the game show so you could double or triple your earnings) means that you decide how you're going to use a Joker card when it comes up in your hand. Strategically, how you play it determines if you come out a winner or a loser. In broader terms, it describes one's relationship to the cards they are dealt. My exaggerating and my imagination were actually my "Joker's wild" in the hand I was playing, aka: "the codependent, dysfunctional alcoholic family".

I've had a tumultuous relationship with Lady Luck. Some of my early pretending and stretching of the truth saved me from what was too hard to bear as such a young person. In my early adulthood and drinking years, my dishonesty was costly: legal fines, a re-possessed car, damaged credit, countless broken friendships, my dignity. When dishonesty was dressed up in denial clothing, I played a 13.5 year hand until all the chips were gone. I would, however, have the occasional jackpot-level hands in which big prizes were awarded, like having a successful business, buying a home, getting my Master's degree.

It hasn't been until the past couple of years that I have been on a true winning streak. And with much higher stakes and much more to lose. My relationship with the hand I am being dealt is one in which I am relying less on luck and more on faith. Trusting that as I play each card, even when the Joker's wild, that I am listening deep within before making my move. And that I am not being too impulsive or too greedy. And that whatever the cards are before me, I work with what I've got and not try to manipulate or bluff the other "players".   This is how I want to be in the game of Life.

Is-ness

Singing Bells
Originally uploaded by Ben Heine
I spent the morning today on a long walk on the trails of the neighboring woods, followed by some non-dual healing practices in a field on the way back home.

I spent a lot of time listening and taking in all the forms of nature surrounding me. It really struck me that no matter what anyone or anything does in nature, be it biking or hiking or running or strolling or sitting ... nature just IS.

Nature is filled with constantly changing forms as well as forms whose changes are so microscopic that it appears they are un-changing to the naked eye. The rushing water of the creek along the trails pounded over the rocks, while birds and butterflies and falling leaves twirled around in the atmosphere above and the grass on the side of the trail upon which I was walking appeared to be perfectly still, static, unaffected and unchanged. Blades basking in their grass-ness.

I posed the question to myself : "What would it be like to be in the world fully in your is-ness and not in reaction to what is happening outside of you?" This is what led me to the open field to do Work of Return and Impersonal Movement.

I let the question live vividly in me. I began the practice and I felt the breeze and some bees, a mosquito or two, couple of dragon flies above. A mom and her two kids along with a large golden retriever entered the field from the woods across from me. I caught a "wrinkle" of irritation rise up about "not having this all to myself". I returned to my question and my practice, moving the knotted muscles in my neck into the curvilinear space in front of me. The image of the blades of grass popped up and I landed with a resounding thud back into my own being-ness. After a minute or two, I barely perceived that others were in the field or what they were doing. Each of us became part of the tapestry of the landscape, equally an integral part of the picture, no one thing or person more prominent than the other.

At this point, I had dropped deeply into a segment of the practice in which I am seated in the Heart -- which includes movement into my own chest and into the consciousness of the world. At this point, the IS-ness of everything was what I felt and viewed and touched and heard and tasted. I had an awareness that all of this was me too and not me at all. I did not want this moment to cease.

When I arrived back to my place, I re-read a passage that I have been stuck on for an entire week in my teacher Jason's book. The words resonated with me in a way that I had not been able to take them in previously:
"The Heart holds All to itself, making no distinction between manifest and unmanifest, good or evil ... It is not entranced because the origin of the Heart is not personal but transcendent ... The Heart is not a product of history but of Emptiness ... When the Heart is Empty, every way is the Way."

This experience of being seated in the Heart in Nature in my Is-ness brought these words to life for me. I had a tangible feeling of being without history, a transcending of the personal. And a new understanding of "Emptiness" : an unlimited vessel for holding ALL. That is perhaps why I did not want this experience to end. I had a glimpse of what it was like to be fully in my Is-ness and in the world.

As Jason notes at the bottom of his passage in the smallest of fonts (which feels purposeful to emphasize the statement's preciousness): "The Heart is smart".

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Yepper.

God and Me and You ...

Friends silhouetted
Originally uploaded by Mojo...
I have been steeping in honesty like a bouquet of tea leaves in hot water. In non-dual terms, it is the deep relationship between my interior (Tiferet) and my connection to another (Yesod).

This boils down to a simple equation: God and Me and You.

A product of the sum of this trinity is Truth. And if we're really lucky ... Love.

Yesterday marked 20 years of sobriety for me. Only 1 year and 8 months of that time has involved truly working a program to live soberly, with the remaining time clocked spent in healthy fear of alcohol and turning into my father. On the coin you receive for each abstinent milestone is the phrase: "To thine own self be true." I can claim that as being a valid motto that I am living by today; anytime before this period had only sporadic hints of honesty.

On this anniversary, I engaged in conversations with 2 different women I love about subjects which required just being in the Truth. The result was more openness and freedom and an abundance of love to enter in that spaciousness. I am learning that to be engaged in the world and in relationship from this place offers nothing but serenity. It is clean and clear and direct.  It is compassionately kind.  There is no second-guessing, post-conversation anxiety or scrambling to smooth over. Any feelings of wanting to avoid or isolate simply evaporate. I want to be MORE in relationship and an active participant in life. I am able to discern the next right action because it is arising from listening to my wise sage within and not moving too quickly to react to what I believe the outside wants from me. Unlike my drinking days, this way of living leaves no wreckage in the past.

God and Me and You. I'm in good company.

Saying NO to Bullies !

Lets Go... I'm ready!
Originally uploaded by DBCoop77
One of the more gratifying aspects of my work with individuals who have developmental disabilities is facilitating a Relationships Group every other week. The topics vary and sometimes are suggested by the members themselves or, in a case like today, the subject matter presents itself.

At the start of group, there were 2 new members who were asked to introduce themselves. As one member shared her name, "Dorothy", an outspoken male in the group yelled out: "Go back to the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy!" Some individuals laughed out of wanting to align with this intimidating member, while others expressed their dislike for his actions by making faces or mumbling to themselves. I made a snap decision in this teachable moment that our group topic would be about teasing -- how it affects us and how we can hurt people when we do it. What I never could have imagined was the depth of discussion that would follow.

As members, one by one, gave their answers to my opening question: "What have you been teased about in your life that has bothered you?" , the responses were specific, honest, and heart-wrenching :

Being called retarded behind my back.
Having kids getting off the school bus throw things at me.
People who stare at my crippled hand.
Kids in my neighborhood try to tickle me and poke at me.
Being called fat.
My father gets in my face and tells me I'm dumb.
Kids in high school always called me a faggot.
Boys tried to push me out of my wheelchair.
My brothers threw food at my head at the dinner table.
Kids would try to take my shirt off.
Being followed around and having my name shouted in my ear.

After their sharing, I suggested that we do some role plays and use their actual scenarios so that I could model ways to respond to the people doing the teasing.

As I posed each scenario, the hands quickly flew up to volunteer for the role play. Some people were anxious to be the "teaser" while others were much more content in being the one who would respond. One young lady during her role play took a firm stance and pointed her finger at the male member doing the teasing and shouted: "I say NO to bullies!" The entire room cheered and rolled around in fits of giddiness in their chairs. This role play was so popular, that I told them we'd have to now call this class the "Saying NO to bullies" class if it was ever repeated in the future.

One of the most poignant role plays, however, was the young man in our group who had been called a faggot. He announced to all of us that he was gay and that being called this is a "mean thing to do to gay people". This was the first time I would explore the subject of sexual orientation with this group. I was blown away at their openness -- far greater than the general public. Several members told this young man that they would stick up for him and he could love who he wants to love, it doesn't matter. Me thinks the entire Christian Right movement would benefit from less Bible-thumping and instead could learn a great deal from this supposedely "impaired" group of individuals.

A woman with Down's Syndrome who has great difficulty in being understood, as she has challenges with her speech, was surprisingly clearer than I had heard her in over a year. She had much to say to everyone. It had to do with her physical features and how she doesn't like it when people at the grocery store stare at her and move their children away from her. She was filled with conviction as she spoke, raising her fist like the other member before her and saying "NO !" in the loudest voice she could muster.
More applause erupted from the room.

It is a day like this where I bow humbly to each of those men and women in the circle around me and recognize that I am but a student sitting amongst many brilliant teachers. They seized the opportunity to empower one another and to claim their personal victories over the acts of cruelty bestowed upon them by ignorant others. They can say YES to the beauty of who they are and expect to be treated with dignity and respect while being able to say NO to anyone who tries to tell them otherwise.