Joker's Wild

Calling Your Bluff
Originally uploaded by Splooge-tastic Gooner-Licious
In a healing session with a classmate this morning, I explored my journey with Truth, from pathological dishonesty to fierce integrity.

A highlight of this discussion was the telling of a story when I was 11 years old. On one of the first days back to school, entering the 6th grade, we were asked to take turns sharing what we did on our summer vacation. I felt myself wanting to disappear from sheer embarassment as my classmates told tales of great trips and adventures, while I knew that the "truth" of my summer was that I did absolutely nothing noteworthy by comparison. When it was my turn to share, my creative imagination went into full gear. I told an over-the-top story, outright lie, of going to California with my family because I was on the game show, Joker's Wild, for children's week. And how I won $500 ! The class went crazy with excitement and were full of questions at recess and I made up every last answer. This would come to bite me right in the ass when, several weeks later at a PTA meeting, my teacher would congratulate my mother for my game show feat. I got the verbal whiplashing of my life when she returned home ! I can remember crying my eyes out and speaking the "truth" of the shame I felt because all the other kids did interesting things and went on fun trips and our family didn't do anything. And to name that truth with my mother was downright dangerous. Like when I would hit my breaking point about my father's alcohol consumption and would eventually lash out and say things like: "I don't want to be around him drunk". And my mother would look at me, shaking her finger, defending against this with all her might: "Don't you ever say those things again, young lady !"

The "Joker's Wild" , as my classmate pointed out today, was a metaphor for the holograph I was acting out in my tall tale. In card-speak, the term "Joker's wild" (which was true for the strategy on the game show so you could double or triple your earnings) means that you decide how you're going to use a Joker card when it comes up in your hand. Strategically, how you play it determines if you come out a winner or a loser. In broader terms, it describes one's relationship to the cards they are dealt. My exaggerating and my imagination were actually my "Joker's wild" in the hand I was playing, aka: "the codependent, dysfunctional alcoholic family".

I've had a tumultuous relationship with Lady Luck. Some of my early pretending and stretching of the truth saved me from what was too hard to bear as such a young person. In my early adulthood and drinking years, my dishonesty was costly: legal fines, a re-possessed car, damaged credit, countless broken friendships, my dignity. When dishonesty was dressed up in denial clothing, I played a 13.5 year hand until all the chips were gone. I would, however, have the occasional jackpot-level hands in which big prizes were awarded, like having a successful business, buying a home, getting my Master's degree.

It hasn't been until the past couple of years that I have been on a true winning streak. And with much higher stakes and much more to lose. My relationship with the hand I am being dealt is one in which I am relying less on luck and more on faith. Trusting that as I play each card, even when the Joker's wild, that I am listening deep within before making my move. And that I am not being too impulsive or too greedy. And that whatever the cards are before me, I work with what I've got and not try to manipulate or bluff the other "players".   This is how I want to be in the game of Life.