Tuesday, September 28, 2010

On Becoming a Warrior ...


Yvaine: Audtion 8
Originally uploaded by Elven*Nicky

In between teaching 2 classes today, I had about 45 minutes of downtime. I began to read a book by Carlos Castaneda, "Tales of Power", which is an assignment for the advanced study group of my non-dual healing school.

The first chapter is titled: "An Appointment with Knowledge". I was so taken by the following lines, given the territory of my personal work and what I have been writing about as of late:
"In the final analysis, sensitivity matters little ... what matters is that a warrior be impeccable ... what matters to a warrior is arriving at the totality of oneself."

Whoa.

Stopped me right in my tracks.

Here's my 1st take upon reading this. Substitute "sensitivity" with "people pleasing" . What had historically mattered 1st and foremost, top priority,  was that I be sensitive to the needs of others. In fact, their needs were always put before mine. My needs were not deemed important. At least not at the time I was busy attending to others. Enough pushing of my needs to the back burner,  however,  fueled some heavy duty resentments over time. I grew bitter and downright pissed off.
I understand today that I am responsible for creating these situations. So, as Castaneda's character, the sage don juan, suggests above -- a warrior is to be impeccable. I associate this with any one of these: Being in integrity. Rigorously honest. Trusting one's interior. Anchored and seated on one's base. If I am engaging in the world, with others, from a place of being impeccable, then sensitivity indeed matters little. Being in my Truth, trusting and listening to my interior and to God and having my actions be informed by these places, there will be a kindness that is "built in" so to speak. It does not mean I will be received well by another (hence, the sensitivity matters little) but it will mean that I have not abandoned myself, squashed myself or dismissed what is the Reality or the Truth of that moment. That, to me, is what don juan is referring to in becoming a warrior.

The last part of the statements, "arriving at the totality of oneself", is one of the most significant aspects of the healing work of our non-dual school. To become more of who we are, to come into wholeness of being. I am learning, with each healing session and with each new peeling away of my exterior, that the work to arrive at the totality of oneself is absolutely courageous, not for the faint-of-heart -- the stuff that warriors are made of.

I used to associate the word "warrior" with a person who fought in battle, usually with a weapon, and whose intent was to conquer and to dominate and to destroy when necessary. In reading both Castaneda and the Buddhist monk, Pema Chodron, the concept of warrior has dramatically shifted for me. It is much more brave and noble to show up in the world, consistently, in one's Truth than to put on some form of "armour" as a protective front -- which essentially keeps people at a distance and keeps me from connecting and relating and experiencing intimacy with others.

Becoming a warrior, to me, means stripping off the protective gear and getting buck-naked ! A proclamation of "Here I am!", free of shame and out in the open, not hidden in any way.

It's time to lay those old weapons down, raise my hands high in the air, and show up as the warrior I am becoming ...

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