Spiritual health doesn't always feel good ...

Heart
Originally uploaded by seyed mostafa zamani
At my women's meeting this evening, a reading from the Grapevine highlighted the fact that one can be in good spiritual health and this does not necessarily correspond to "feeling good". That, in fact, we could be sitting in the middle of something deeply painful and yet experience incredible spirituality.

This makes so much sense to me, especially given what I have been learning in my non-dual healing school. Being spiritually healthy to me is about feeling the Truth of my interior (i.e. pain, anger, grief) and having willingness to sit with it and not try to extinguish or squelch or minimize it in some way. What I understand from tonight's reading is that, if I am not "acting out" or projecting or blaming others for what I am feeling inside, then I am actually taking steps toward spiritual growth.

Some members of our group tonight had some difficulty in wrapping their brains around the idea that feeling good does not equal good spiritual health and that feeling bad does not equal bad spiritual health. I am very aware of the ways in which I have put on a spiritual facade which was a ruse for not being in relationship to my feelings. So if I pretended that everything was "just fine" , wore a happy mask, did things like yoga and mindfulness meditation, then surely I was spiritually sound. I convinced myself (and others) of this for years, particularly during the time period of my ex-partner's substance abuse. If it looks Buddha-like and acts Buddha-like, then it must be a Buddha, right ?

Thanks to an amazing healer and school and AA community, I know now that my spiritual fitness has been shaped by wrestling with life's challenges, jogging into the unknown, surfing waves of transference, and hiking across a rocky terrain of emotions. Sometimes I am downright sore and feel like my ass has been whipped and I have also seen the benefits of my workout in the form of serenity, honest communication, improved relationships, a stronger connection to God.

Prayer , non-dual practices, healings, and going to meetings allow me to invite my feelings to be seen and heard and to have a place to exist. Even the ugly ones and the crappy painful ones and the potentially shameful ones. When I do this, I feel closer to God and to myself. This feels like true spiritual health.