Saturday, September 18, 2010

Loved Back To Recovery ...


You plucked my love, but it grew back.
Originally uploaded by Leah Johnston

In my prayers this morning, I asked God for guidance to find the right topic for the AA meeting I would be chairing in a couple of hours.
I was pulled strongly toward reading the Daily Reflections for today. It was absolutely the perfect choice.

The passage is titled: Loved Back To Recovery:
"Our whole treasured philosophy of self-sufficiency had to be cast aside. This had not been done with old-fashioned willpower; it was instead a matter of developing the willingness to accept these new facts of living. We neither ran nor fought. But accept we did. And then we were free.
~ Best of the Grapevine, Vol. 1, p. 198

As I shared this passage with the meeting members, I spoke briefly about its meaning for me. How just last evening in a meeting I was so moved by the speaker's capturing of "the moment of grace" when he had no other choice but to surrender to his powerlessness over alcohol. And how, if we're lucky enough, we answer the call and allow ourselves, as the passage is titled, to be loved back to recovery. This message, on the heels of my blog entry last night about recognizing our separation from God, blew me away.

The members' comments on this topic were so heart-felt that I was on the verge of tears with every share, goosebumps appearing and then re-appearing from the vibration of connectedness in the room. Each person spoke about their moments of grace -- at the time they put down the drink as well as situations during sobriety. These grace-filled scenarios ran the gamut: sitting with the possibility of having cancer and then finding out their test results were negative; the despair of knowing that one more day of drinking could very well kill them; the threat of a prison sentence; courageously riding the emotional rollercoaster of having one's best friend murdered and not picking up a drink; a new diagnosis of M.S. and being willing to seek alternative treatment; going through a painful divorce; accepting one's own mortality.

I love the last lines of the Daily Reflections passage: But accept we did. And then we were free.

This is our return to Steps 1-3, over and over and over again. There is a tremendous weight lifted when I have been able to acknowledge my powerlessness over any situation in my life and having the grace to both accept it AND to ask God to hold it or remove my attachment to it. When I am able to do these Steps, I am absolutely free.

My re-entry back into the rooms of AA over a year and a half ago allowed me to let go of my past associations and old stories and to let myself be loved back to recovery. I have an intimate relationship with God, as I understand God. And with myself. I completely trust God. And within this, I totally trust myself and my internal wisdom.

It is an embrace that keeps holding me, growing me, loving me -- a day at a time.

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