Trusting an Infinite Wisdom

Sky's Secrets
Originally uploaded by Ben Heine

A Big Book meeting that I listen to each morning is currently on the chapter, "How it Works". It could not be more divinely timely.

These statements stand out right now:
"Perhaps there is a better way -- we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves."

This feels, to me, the place I am in when I have done Step 3 and am convinced that I can truly let go and let God. That I actually believe and trust and rely on God in ALL my affairs.

I take my will back pretty often; I find myself having to return to Step 3 a LOT. It is always, always when I have decided that my way, reliance on finite me works better than trusting the infinite wisdom of God. I forget that God will never give me more than I can handle. That I won't die from what Life presents in any given moment.

So the questions for me become: why is it so hard to trust this source that never leaves me? Why do I turn my back and think I can do it better, faster ?

It all boils down to a four-letter word:

FEAR.

The statements above from the Big Book are followed by "humbly rely on Him and he does enable us to match calamity with serenity".
To trust and really know that God has my back at all times means that I can face even the greatest of Life's challenges and meet it from a place of peace within me -- without becoming anxious, overwhelmed, fearful, paralyzed, unraveling. Wouldn't anyone want to experience this rather than distress ?
This is when I really understand that the phrase: "cunning, baffling, and powerful" is not just about the alcohol but rather it is about my disease -- my thinking issues, my spiritual maladies. In a nutshell: operating from "My way versus God's way" will always be my demise.

Just today, as I looked at my bank statement online, another huge withdraw was reflected that could not be possible, as the same organization had just done one on Monday. My heart began to beat rapidly and I was nearly hyperventilating. I am shouting aloud: "How can this be? I'm going to put a stop to this right now !" And like a raving lunatic, I left a message for the admin person at the organization and I wasn't very pleasant. Then I called customer service at the bank to make a stop payment. I am informed that this was a computer glitch of the bank and it was being dealt with and would be resolved shortly. I felt foolish and ashamed of my behavior. I knew in this moment that I totally snubbed God and took matters into my own hands. I was running 90 miles an hour fueled by fear. I apologized to God and then made an immediate ammends to the person at the organization I called. She was very understanding and kind. She met me with serenity; I know that God was at work.

God is on duty 24:7; it is me who gets in the way and tries to do His shift.