Baby Steps ...

Learning to walk
Originally uploaded by fofurasfelinas
This past week has returned me back to Steps 1, 2 and 3. For me, they are both the baby steps of the recovery program and the foundation on which sobriety is built.

It is literally, for me, about learning to walk all over again on the vulnerable, raw, scary path that I began 2 decades ago.

There is something so so humbling and sobering about returning to the very 1st Step. To say outloud, on my knees, in prayer with God, that I am completely and utterly powerless over my present situation.
As I first began to do this, I felt so fearful and exposed. Like standing in the middle of a busy highway, naked, and having to admit that I had absolutely no control of the frenzy that was zooming by me in every direction. That is how my circumstances have felt most recently. I felt startled and anxious and scared.

Doing Step 1 over and over, morning and night (and sometimes midday) began to help me settle, little by little. And then, partnering that with the 2nd step -- that I could be restored to sanity by a power greater than me -- was such a relief ! In the middle of all of this chaos, I felt the craziness of the whole situation and at times, I questioned my own stability because of how surreal it has all felt.

The greatest gift, however, was to add Step 3 to the 1-2 recovery punch. The most anxiety-producing aspect of all occurred every time I felt my urgency and my desire to take my will back. To make all of this speed up or, better yet, disappear. I am not only lucky to have these Steps as a steadying force, but I also have fellow travelers who "get it" and lovingly nudge and reign me back in when I start to go astray.

And the pennies have helped tremendously. In my days of clinging to any sign for hope, I would see pennies show up in odd places. Over the past couple years, I have not relied on outside signals to let me know that I was okay because I developed an internal barometer that informs me about my "alrightness" , which has a direct cable link to God. But when I found myself not fully grounded in Steps 1-3, those shiny coins in my path were just the tangible things I needed to get my attention and get re-focused on my program.

1, 2, 3 ... 1, 2, 3 ... 1, 2, 3 ... a tender dance of baby steps.