Breaking Down the Dyke ...

Little Falls Dam Panorama
Originally uploaded by photobunny
Dyke: an embankment to prevent flooding; a barrier or obstruction; a disparaging name for a lesbian.

The last structure came loose at about 7am this morning and the floodgates opened up, pouring their glorious waterworks down my face. My writer's block was pent up in this well-constructed dam.
I have a classmate to thank for this in part. She chose the absolute right healing and it has everything to do with flow. My "Gevuric" protective wall had been keeping out my "Chesedic" river of aliveness. I understand in this moment that this particular dam was not one of my typical "keep everyone out" concrete walls of years past; this was carefully and quietly built from the inside-out to keep me from falling apart. It has much to do with my current circumstances involving someone from the past and how 4 years ago, this situation nearly drowned me --- hence the new and improved super dyke (pun - intended !)

I have had a challenging relationship with Gevurah: a sefirot in Kabbalistic terms that has the qualities of judgment; boundary; structure.   For much of my adult life until a couple of years ago,  I had no real sense of boundaries and,  consequently,  this skewed my judgment and ability to discern.   These things are at the heart of the situation I refer to from my past.   As I began my non-dual healing program,  I went to the other extreme:  any hint of danger in the air, like a busy beaver I am feverishly building a barrier that will keep me protected. The dams I have constructed over time have either been over-the-top as in "large enough to fit around a castle, complete with a moat" OR poured with so much cement that they actually hurt people who want to come near and block me from intimacy.

In this recent episode, the construction seemed to have been going on silently underground, with hardly any noise or tinkering. What felt like "peace" was not quite that, yet I couldn't put my fingers on it. I got a bigger hint of this in the form of not being able to write. I literally had nothing moving inside of me, which is highly unusual these days. Lastly, I spent this past weekend with the woman I love. I was so moved in the fluidity of her expression of emotions. At one point, we were lying together and tenderly kissing and her tears began to fall in the midst of this moment onto my face. I was envious of her utter letting go in such a space of intimacy. I tasted each salty tear and longed for my own to fall and alas, I could not muster even a miniscule drop. This was my final signal that a full blown dyke was up in operation -- right under my nose !

I cannot protect myself from the outside no more than I can protect the outside from me or protect me from myself ! Damn Dam !
This is an illusion I have bought into so many times and, while there is temporary relief, it never truly brings peace.

After my healing yesterday, I began to feel the stirrings. In my AA meeting last night, the sharing of some of the women tugged my heart in a way that I hadn't let myself experience in a couple of weeks. And then, when I arose this morning, I could feel the outside of this structure begin to quake and bend with the impending pressure of the waterfall behind it. I put a load of wash in down in the basement and I could barely get up the stairs and into my apartment before it all broke loose. Tears, glorious tears, came streaming from of every part of my eyes, snot running from my nose, and audible sobs jetting out into the atmosphere. It was sad and it was not sad and it was a joyful release and it was grief and it was forgiveness and it was allowance of just being a human trying to make a life here on earth, one day at a time.

And then the words and the melody of a tune that my love and I listened to several times over the weekend would not stop playing and more tears and more tears kept coming. I have this gorgeous song below.

What a relief, breaking down this dyke ...