Seated in the Face of Chaos

Red Hot Ice - Jökulsárlón (Glacier Lagoon), Iceland
Originally uploaded by orvaratli
I am grateful this morning for all of the work I have done up to this point in being with the unknown. I am drawing upon every tool in my belt for the job that is before me.

Yesterday, upon opening a piece of mail, my entire world flashed before me and rattled me to my core. For reasons I can't disclose, I am not going to write about the details of the matter. I can say that this is the one situation from my past, the proverbial "skeleton in my closet", that has now surfaced in the most invasive of ways. My future will be altered in either a small way or a very big way depending on the outcome and hopeful resolution of this situation.

The difference in my response yesterday then perhaps a year ago, as a loved one pointed out to me, is that I am seated in the face of chaos. I am not panicking nor catastrophizing or drowning in it. I feel its intensity, its tremoring underneath me and I also feel my roots firmly planted.

I did some self-care activities yesterday that enabled me to bring forgiveness to my "who was" that was previously involved in this situation. I described it to someone as "being haunted" by a ghost from the past and taking in what it is carrying in the present time. It is somewhat surreal and very real all at once.

Last night before going to bed, I lit sage and cleared each room of my apartment of any lingering negative energy that entered as part of the news I received. I then sat on my meditation cushion and prayed and did loving-kindness meditations toward myself, toward the other party, and to all of my loved ones and to all of my enemies and to every living being.

I had a fitful sleep, with periods of deep dreaming. My mind was active and thinking ahead and it took a lot of effort to quiet it. I arose very early today and, upon the suggestion of a beloved one who is also a non-dual healing classmate, I did the MAGI process (a conflict resolution healing process) about this situation. It transported me to a different space -- from the restless one in bed to one who can sit up straight and feel the strength of her own container to hold what is here and what is to come.

On another note: I will leave shortly for a funeral of a good friend from my AA home group. He lost his 7 year battle to cancer this past week. He suffered greatly for the past year or more and selfishly I am deeply relieved for him and for all of us who witnessed him.

May each of us who are courageously encountering the Realities of Life, in their ever changing forms, find our center, our base, and our infinite cord of connection to God and the Universe.

Amen.