Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Seesaw of Sobriety


Pinhole Seesaw
Originally uploaded by Darren C.

The last 2 nights at AA meetings, there has been discussion about Step 10 -- specifically, the aspect of this step that focuses on emotional balance. That we don't just look at the "debits" but also the "credits".

Most of us alcoholics had (and still have) a distorted view of life, especially our relationship to others, to the outside. I have suffered greatly at the hands of all-or-nothing thinking. When I am engaged in this mind-fuck, it is literally like experiencing the world only on one end of a seesaw. I was either flat on the ground, feeling lower than low, inferior and self-deprecating OR I was high-as-a-kite, flyin in the air with seemingly no cares and being all in my head, ego fully inflated, looking down upon everyone from my superior position, like teeny ants to be squashed on the ground.

When the seesaw isn't in motion and you are sitting on one-end only, no matter how you slice it, you're stuck. Until there is some movement. If I'm sitting with my butt hitting the ground, then I need to let go, surrender to put the seesaw in motion. But I need to do this a little at a time, with intention, mindfulness -- otherwise, I am catapulted into the air and I am back in a place of being out of balance. If I am the one dangling in the air, I can't remain in this elevated position. Something or someone is going to bring me down. I can choose to surrender to this process so I can descend with some grace or I can be dropped swiftly and pay the price for landing painfully hard.

The 10th Step is a checks and balances tool. Where did things not go so well today and what was my part and what can I do differently and who do I owe an apology or an amends ? And, as equally important, what went well today and what am I grateful for as a result ?

For me, the 10th Step is what keeps me in integrity throughout the entire day. My every action is thought about, not acted on impulsively or impatiently or out of anger or fear. This Step helps me with restraint of pen and tongue. It guides me about when to slow down, when to pause, when to act and put something into motion.

I experience the greatest serenity when there is a back-and-forth, give-and-take ride whether it's in relationship to others or in relationship to myself.

The Serenity Prayer perfectly describes each aspect of being on the seesaw:
The one suspended in the air: accept the things I cannot change.
The one on the ground: courage to change the things I can.
Balancing between the 2: the wisdom to know the difference.

This is the seesaw of sobriety.

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