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I haven't listened to a lecture by Tara Brach in many months. I have to trust when it is right timing; tonight, I was moved quite strongly to sit quietly in my livingroom and select one of her recent podcasts. I chose the one entitled: "Blessings of a Forgiving Heart". It could not have been more fitting.
At the beginning, Tara offered a visual image of what happens to the heart when we are stuck in our resentment or our victimhood about being hurt by another. She described it in this way: "a fist balled up around a hot coal in the middle of our chest." She instructed the audience to close our eyes and to connect to a situation in which we have been hurt by someone and to identify where in the body we felt sensation and , in particular, around our heart. For me, I felt constriction around my temples, intense tightness in my neck and shoulders. Around my heart, I felt a solid barrier that was seemingly impenetrable. These sensations were very palpable and real.
Her talk incorporated a series of guided meditations throughout: the first one in relation to a situation in which we hurt another and the feelings that we have about causing such an injury. Second, a situation in which we've experienced a resentment about an injury done to us by another. Third, connecting to the feelings that are underneath the injury, when we are able to drop the story of judgment or blame. Last, watching ourselves remove the veil and make an intention to forgive the person who has harmed us.
All of the meditations were incredibly powerful. I applied each of them to the current situation I have been writing about. It was incredible for me to allow myself to explore all facets of this situation through the lens of understanding the process toward forgiveness.
Tara posed this question after the 2nd meditation: "If you would let yourself feel whatever arose about this other person -- WITHOUT BLAME or JUDGMENT -- what is underneath there ?" The feelings bubbled up quite abruptly for me. I felt let down and hurt. More so, I felt very vulnerable.
Tara shared an unbelievably true account of a woman whose son was killed by another teenage boy. At the boy's trial, she told him that she would kill him. And for the next 3 years that he was in juvenile detention, she visited him regularly. She began to bring him food, books. He had no family, having been bounced from 1 foster placement to another. When he was released, he had nowhere to go. The woman offered space in her home. She then said to him: " My son was killed and now he's gone. I told you I would kill you. But the person who killed my son is gone too. I want to welcome you into my home and I'd like to adopt you." My jaw dropped. I couldn't fathom being able to open my heart in this way, to forgive in the face of such tragedy.
Tara told this story for purposes of moving us into a place where we could "remove the veil" -- whatever barrier is present that separates us and the other person and keeps us from forgiving. She told us that we may not necesssarily be ready to fully forgive, but asked if we could make an intention, be willing to move toward forgiveness. With that, she took us into the last meditation.
I experienced more softening than I imagined possible, especially in light of the seriousness and harm of this person's actions. The intensity of my grievance and my harsh judgment and my wanting to make this person the "evil other" dissipated quite a bit. After the talk ended, I stepped outside to let my dog out and looked up into the night sky. It was crystal clear. One prominent star directly above me, fiercely shining. In that moment, I no longer felt separated or defensive or wanting to blame. I felt connected to a force that is beyond me, that is expansively holding this situation. I understood that there is nothing more for me to do.
When I came inside, I recalled that at the very end of her talk, Tara shared that Thich Nhat Hanh offers this instruction in situations needing our forgiveness:
Put your hand on your heart and say:
"Dear One, I know that you are suffering."
I did just that.
It was very comforting.
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