Nothing Can Save Me ...

Winter Beach - The Cabin
Originally uploaded by Osvaldo_Zoom

In the situation that I have written about over the past week, I have rode a roller coaster of emotions while being pummeled with thoughts. A healing session this morning found me traveling to the back of the hollow, dark cave of the unknown illuminated by a candle flicker of clear seeing and navigated with solid footing. All the while, feeling the sweaty chest of the Great Bear Mother pressing against my back, urging me to keep questing and to not be fearful of what I might find.

I then had a question posed to me by my classmate healer, something that is part of a reading we are doing to prepare for our advanced study group and directly connected to the Great Bear Mother. The question was: "What is the force that you have spent your life avoiding?"

Me: "Being completely alone."

And then, with more awareness, I shared how I looked to be rescued from the intolerable terror of this force through clinging, seeking pity, clowning to win friends, booze and drugs, merging and enmeshment, co-dependency, care-taking, over-committing.

Then, with clarity and solidity, I replied: "Nothing can save me."

You see, this realization of all the ways I avoided being alone and then dropping into the simple fact that nothing can save me is what is at the root of my current situation. I created this situation, years ago, because I wanted to save myself, but it was in the guise of being the ultimate support person for another. Messy boundaries. Projecting my own neediness and lonliness onto another. Care-taker supreme, complete with lifeboat and supplies. And then I woke up in the middle of the mission and backed up and pulled out. I caused anguish and hurt and anger in the other who also desperately sought rescue. And now, I must meet, head on, the wrath of their revenge.

A couple days ago, the reading in my Daily Reflections book suggested that I give thanks to the people or situations that cause me turmoil, as they are my greatest teachers. I had trouble wrapping my mind and my heart around the notion until today.

This situation is here so that I can clear my past and further heal. Tonight, in my meditation and prayers, I shall make an attempt to give thanks for the lesson that is being presented.

Afterall, I wouldn't have arrived at the goldmine I struck today at the back of the cave.

Nothing can save me.