Before creation, there is an enfolded state. It is not ready to be birthed. It is still a mystery.
And then, the unravelling happens and something that was not yet known in its enfolded state appears and it is miraculous and beautiful and sometimes unexpected.
17 years ago today, on this date, on a Sunday, I was making a commitment via a small ceremony to a woman that I knew was not the right one for me. I ignored the inner voices and I made a decision from my poisoned ground -- my fears of being alone and abandoned and not connected to someone. And I remember feigning great joy and convincing myself that this was wonderful and the absolute right thing to do, afterall I was 32.
We went to Denny's that morning and got breakfast and she was smoking cigarettes one after the other in the car and I even ignored how repulsed I was by the smoke. That evening at the reception, I watched her chugging down non-alcoholic beers and dismissed the very early signs of what was to become a full blown relapse years later.
I stayed for another 12 years, trying to quiet the increasingly louder voices until I could not turn a deaf ear any longer. I could not live this way for another minute.
I sit on my porch today --- having lived on my own for 4 years, not fearful, and in deep connection with many wonderful souls. The "who is" sitting here had been enfolded for decades, just waiting to be lived into her truest Self out into the world.
I am but a sliver of who that woman was 17 years ago. We still share the same historical wounds, yet the one who resides here now is awake and able to be with the material that gets activated and knows what to do.
This became quite evident in a powerful, mature and deeply grounded discussion with a woman I love yesterday. Two people who were able to connect from fully individuated places to talk about big Life stuff and what we each want and what may need to happen in order to move forward.
This could not be possible had I not been unravelled into the Who I am today. The same goes for her.
There isn't even a whisper that goes unnoticed now. I give great attention to what I am sensing and how I'm being guided. The decisions I make about whether to be or not to be with someone will come from this awakened place, lovingly detached from my history. I will never have to push away the Reality of Life again because I can bear what I hear and what is here.
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