The Faces of Compassion

Compassion?
Originally uploaded by Artsee Fartsy~ OFF
A Jewish friend of mine posted something on her Facebook page in observance of counting the Omer. Today is "Tiferet in Tiferet". She identifies this as "compassion in compassion". I know these terms from Kabbalistic speak and would further define this for my understanding to mean "wise sage within Wise Sage; God-voice which resides in GOD".

She goes on to pose questions from the source where she is doing this work with the Omer. I loved the questions so much, that I wanted to work with them here. They are as follows:
Is my compassion beautiful? Can it be self-serving?
Does it come from obligation, habit, or is it alive and vital?
Can I find my way to be compassionate with people whom I find difficult?

Is my compassion beautiful?
This is a fantastic reflection to ponder. I have always been drawn to Kwan Yin, the Chinese goddess of compassion. She is tattooed on my lower back. I have grappled with the fact that to be "Kwan Yin" is not always aesthetically beautiful and includes things like anger and ugliness. My teacher Jason would say that ALL of these things are beautiful because they are all vital to our humanness. My compassion's beauty comes from channeling God and being aligned with God and allowing the full expression of myself to be present when I am tenderly regarding another. I thought about one aspect of my interaction last weekend with my friend who was talking about jumping off a bridge in a very casual, almost joking way -- having spoken about it the day before in a completely depressed state. I told her that when she says this (half joking) it scares me. That I take her seriously. That to hear my friend repeatedly make light of ending her life is not funny. I hear her brokenness and it makes my heart hurt. I pray for her every morning and night. My compassion wears many faces in relation to her situation, some of them not so pleasing to the eye. There are other instances, however, when I feel my God-self fully present with another, like how I may sit with some of my clients, and I can feel the beauty eminating around us in that space. When I am in the presence of my "little one" who is scared inside, I have recently learned compassion toward myself, my small unhealed ego self, and there is deep beauty here too.

Can it be self-serving ?
Oh yes ! This brings me directly into my past. My face of compassion in my rescuer role with others was very self-serving. It made ME feel better or at least that's what I convinced myself of. It actually saved me from myself in terms of really feeling my own suffering. In this role, I would want recognition for how compassionate I was. Example: "Look at all I did for you when you were down!" I needed to feel important in this role. It was a central part to my identity. The other half, however, was "Woe is me". So it wasn't compassion from a self-less, empathic place but rather from a martyred, "no one appreciates what I do for them" place. In this moment I feel compassion for the "who was" that existed in me at this time.   I am aware of this:  whenever I am trying to feel "superior" and pump myself up in the face of another's suffering,  my compassion is totally self-serving.  The thoughts inside go something like this:    "Oh, what a sad case they are.   So glad I don't experience that!"   In AA,  we carry the message of recovery to another having difficulty or in pain.  We are equal partners in the journey,  because we each know this place of suffering.   I have to remember the 12th Step whenever I am drifting to a place of feeling sorry for someone and making myself feel better  versus joining with them in our common experience of being human. 

Does it come from obligation, habit OR is it alive, vital ? An honest response is that it can take on both forms, depending on my own state, if I have strayed from being aligned with God and not working my AA program, and being "in-check" with myself, the authenticity of my interior moving out into the world with others. My work of late to be in integrity with myself is allowing me to be less apt to act from a place of obligation. It no longer feels right inside of me. It is out of alignment with my God-self. This, to me, is the true voice of Tiferet, as I understand Tiferet. When I am responding to another from my Tiferet place, it is very alive and it is real and I feel their humanity and their heart and mine too in that space we share. When I hear that voice of "Oh, here we go again" in relationship to another, I am aware that I am judging and I will act from obligation if I relate to another from this place inside of me. Resentment will surely follow. It feels good to be awake to this, especially having written about my defenses just a couple days ago.

Can I find my way to be compassionate with people whom I find difficult ?
The example of my friend who is struggling is a good one for this subject too, as I do find her difficult. I also find some of the parents of my clients quite challenging as well. And a handful of other acquaintences. I have to get out of my own way first. My critical self, the one who can quickly take another's inventory, is the greatest roadblock to being compassionate with a difficult person. It's easy to blame the other's difficulties as the reason why they are so hard to relate to, therefore hard to be compassionate with. I have to practice looking at others with God's eyes, so that these dark spots that cloud my judging eyes can be lifted. The Prayer of St. Francis is the most powerful tool for me to do this work. To ask to be a channel for peace and for love through God can help me to be compassionate with any person, regardless of what they are presenting to the world. It is to look at them as a sister, a brother because we are all children of God. This is no easy task sometimes. When I see myself as "separate" and not as part of the "oneness", I lose my way. Prayer brings me back on track.

I am grateful for my friend's thought-provoking exercise today. A canceled appointment this morning allowed me the time for exploration. What a blessing.