Thanking My Defenses

Alana-Jo-Boxer
Originally uploaded by BluSkyy Studios
There is such exquisiteness in the timing of life's events, showing up in a myriad of forms.

For me today, it was in the passage of my teacher's book that I read over breakfast, in my reflection on the events of the weekend, especially regarding a friend's struggle, and finally, in a healing I received from a Kabbalistic classmate. The common thread that weaves these 3 things together is the recognition of my defenses and the fact that they are still hangin' around, like an annoying old friend who doesn't get the message that they've overstayed their welcome.

The passage this morning was about thanking our defenses. I didn't really "get it" on the first go-round, so I had to re-read it several times. It later whacked me like a 2 by 4 ! One key piece of this passage is as follows: "The way to see clearly is not to tear our defenses away but to heal them into what they were before they were put to war: the human ability to connect and know what is going on."

In the presence of my friend's struggle with mental health and medical and emotional issues, I was aware of two polarized mechanisms -- both of which I was trying to cut out. One, the tendency toward rescuing another, in order to save myself; the other, a warrior-like walling off to keep away anything that had a whiff of crossing my boundaries. I didn't want to operate from either extreme AND, in the process of grappling with this dilemma, I hacked away these defenses which once served a purpose, thereby cutting out parts of myself. In doing this, I did not realize until my healing today, I missed having a true victory of being fully in the presence of another's struggle because I had to eliminate parts of me to do so !

Additionally, I was so persistent in "anchoring myself" , that I am aware that this too was a defense! It was a running of sorts back to myself, out of fear that I would get pulled off my base by my friend's draining energy and then abandon myself. If I could have paused long enough to be aware of this in the moment it was happening, I actually could've named that (i.e. "You're running back because you think she'll suck the life out of you. Stay with yourself in this moment and you can still be here with her.")

Further exploration of this process, coupled with the invaluable lesson in my teacher's passage, revealed that by softening to, showing compassion, and literally "thanking" my defenses (i.e. "Oh Hi, it's you again ... thanks for letting me know you're here"), this is where the real triumph is. It is about accepting and welcoming the WHOLE of me, all parts. It's funny, because I also recognized in my healing session that I am much more apt to be gentle and kind in response to my "little one's" presence, YET, am much harder and abrasive toward the one in me who I have deemed and judged to "know better". Like, "Why the hell are YOU here ? I thought I got rid of you long ago!"

The classmate who partnered with me today to do the healing offered a brilliant, sage question that I can use the next time that one of my defenses arrives un-announced: "What are you looking for from me?" How simple and how powerful and how healing.

Interestingly enough, my teacher's passage ends on a similar note:
"Honor them. Thank them. And then let them rest. Finally, say to God, 'Thank you for my defenses, which allowed me to come here, to this day.' "