Fearlessly Naked

S A C C A D E S: Ghosts
Originally uploaded by valerie chiang
4th Step fever is in the air.

My sponsor has shared with me recently about the resistance she's encountered by her other sponsees in doing their 4th Step.

I just had a great discussion with my beloved best friend / spiritual partner/ love of my life that are absolutely connected to Step 4.

My former partner contacted me today, having done her 4th & 5th Steps, so that we may get together and she can do 9th Step amends.


The chair of tonight's meeting spoke about how the 4th Step gets such a bad reputation. It is the Step that is avoided, dreaded, put off. In the 12&12, it is noted that the two things that are the greatest barriers to completing Step 4 are fear and pride. Fear seems to be centered around how one will be judged or regarded, having acknowledged their part, their defects. Pride, on the other hand, is about grandiosity and people "blinding themselves to their liabilities". Both fear and pride are driven by selfish, self-centered motives. In the case of fear: I'm going to hide or isolate and not own my part in things, nor show up to be in relationship to those I've harmed. In the case of pride: I'm not going to admit to or acknowledge these things because they were done to me and not my fault. I was justified in my actions. Others are to blame.

For me, Step 4 requires being fearlessly naked. Yet, without shame or guilt or embarassment. The truth and nothing but the truth. And yes, it does set you free. More spaciousness than I could have ever imagined possible.

Several times in Step 4, there is a reference made to "soul sickness". This feels connected to the unhealed ego. How we lose our God-connection when the small, ego-driven self is the one taking control or at least gives the illusion of control. The Step goes on to say that fear is a soul sickness resulting from our failings, of our mistakes and hurts created during our addiction. And this fear will, in turn, generate more character defects. Not addressing these failings and mistakes in Step 4 as well as character defects seems to fit the addage: "We're only as sick as our secrets." Step 4 helps us illuminate these secrets and eventually, helps us to understand, as this Step indicates, both our "liabilities AND our assets." And, sometimes character defects have a positive version, a liability that is transformed into an asset. For example: in order to protect myself from others' poor boundaries, I would create a very rigid wall around myself, that basically was off-putting. This liability has now morphed into me having solid footing for myself in relationship to another with poor boundaries, being able to locate myself and not have to react to or change them in any way. But first, as part of the 4th Step, I had to acknowledge my part, my liability in order to see the possibility of what could become an asset.

The segment that struck me the most tonight is something that I have been able to acknowledge, own, and heal through my relationship with the woman I love. I had forgotten this aspect of Step 4 until it was read aloud. "Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend on them far too much ... In this way, our insecurity grows and festers."

This passage captures what was at the heart of my part in our relationship which impacted her and us negatively. Domination, for me, was about taking her and the relationship hostage. And this was fueled by my fear of the unknown and my fear of abandonment. This fear, in turn, created the dependence part. Needing her to be and show up and act in an expected way. This put conditions on the relationship and pressure on her, kicking up and activating her own historical issues and dilemmas. And the more I was engaged in either one of these things, domination or dependence, my insecurities did indeed grow and fester. Step 4 required me to be willing to do a rigorous, honest and fearless inventory. To examine my behavior, my actions and the impact of them. To be able to own this fully, without remorse or guilt or shame, brings me into deeper connection and relationship. My healer's famous quote that I've held onto for several years comes to mind: "True intimacy is freedom." Amen and Hallelujah!

Step 4 is like a deep cleansing of the soul. To thoroughly look at my "blemishes" cannot be accomplished by moving swiftly past a mirror and catching a glimpse out of the corner of my eye. It requires me to have a magnifying lens, as if finding a splinter in my finger -- it is done mindfully, with impeccable care and integrity.

This is who I was and who I am now. These are my ugly parts and my beautiful parts. This is what I own and apologize genuinely for. I clean up my side of the street, not yours AND I don't look for or expect a response from you to make things okay or to save me in anyway. It just is. This is the truth of things. There is no defending or denying or excusing. This is the nuts and bolts of Step 4. This is being fearlessly naked.