Somewhere Over the Rainbow ...

Fascinating Nature - First Double Rainbow 2010
Originally uploaded by Batikart
Rainbows are some of the most diverse, colorful, awe-some, take-your-breath-away sights in nature. They come unexpectedly and are in view but for a minute or two. Usually after a storm.

Rainbows are the symbols used for people identifying as lesbian, bisexual, gay or even transgendered, stemming from the song reference in the Wizard of Oz. A "code" phrase when entering underground establishments for gay folk when it was not safe to be exposed was "Friend of Dorothy". Rainbow stickers of every assortment on car bumpers and windows alert other gay peeps to one another when traveling, sometimes an "advertisement" for availability !

The promise in the movie the Wizard of Oz was that "dreams come true, somewhere over the rainbow ..." For many of us who identify as gay, what lied waiting at the end of the rainbow seemed elusive, out-of-reach for us. We have been deemed by society over time as outcasts, child molesters, sinners, evil, unnatural, unfit to marry or be parents, freaks, and so on ... Even in 2010, we are not fully integrated into society and accepted for who we choose to love. While there is strong advocacy and political activism in our favor, yet, only a couple of states and a few European countries have fully embraced us.

Underneath all of this is a weight and a pressure and a secret that many of us have carried, particularly when we were preparing to "come out". The rates of addiction in our community are staggering as a result of the stigma and the shame and the fear and the internalized homophobia that goes hand-in-hand with identifying as gay. Hell, it was only in the 70's that we were removed from the DSM as a psychiatric diagnosis ! I am more aware today, particularly as an active member of AA and teaching a Substance Abuse course, about the significantly higher percentages of people using and abusing in our community as compared to the general population. For the lesbians, it's alcohol and compulsive over-eating. For the gay men, it's alcohol, nicotine, meth, and bulimia. The young queers gravitate to pain pills and heroin. Trannies run the gamut in terms of a smorgasboard of addictions.

What I realize, however, is regardless of sexual orientation, there is a common denominator that links us addicts together: we have all used to numb or check out or not deal or soothe some part of us that was unbearable. We all experienced some form of self-centeredness or selfishness or self pity in being in reality with who we really are. And the substance, whatever it was, fueled our resistance and lack of acceptance.

Dig even further down and it gets simpler: our separation from God. Each time we stray,  seeing ourselves as separate,  as not belonging, not part of the whole, the One, we "act out" in some way. It may not be with substances, yet it may be the very things that are at the root or that led us to the substances in the first place. For me, what has separated me from God and a sense of belonging includes: arrogance/superiority; fear; self-pity; uniqueness; isolation; unwillingness; hopelessness. All of these things are spoken about in the Big Book. Bill W and Dr. Bob  understood and articulated what we all lacked and desperately longed for and why we drank or drugged or overate because of it.   Even Dorothy discovers that all of her searching and following a magical yellow brick road to find some place far, far away that promised her a new life was right at her feet.   The click of those infamous red heels was coupled with the mantra:  "There's no place like home,  there's no place like home."     I have the chills thinking about the powerful message right there:  to be home,  is to be at One with yourself and with God.  

What recovery and my spiritual practice have offered me are the glorious, shimmering lightbeams that are not only reserved for rainbows, but shine the way for those of us who want to re-build our lives and belong through our relationship with God. In doing this, I know that I am loved regardless of AND because of the fact that I love women. As one storyteller in the Big Book shares: "What other people think of me is none of my business."
I am loved because I am.   And there is indeed,  no place like Home.