Friday, April 2, 2010

One of God's bruised apples ...


Rotten Apple
Originally uploaded by Jonas Thomén

For the first time in 19 plus years, I became downright resentful about being an alcoholic. For no other reason than I was literally: hungry, angry, lonely and tired. Funny how I would just write about that acronym H.A.L.T. a few days ago and all 4 would bombard me in one fell swoop in about a 45 minute time period, as I arrived home from a full day of appointments.

As I drove home, I realized how hungry I was. I didn't eat properly today. I was resentful about my tight budget and the fact that I couldn't eat out and that I would be coming home to heat up leftovers that I didn't really want. Pulling into my driveway, I get out of the car and I see my neighbors and some friends, sitting out on their balcony, beer bottles in hand. And I am seething mad. The word "Fuck" flew out of my mouth in rapid-fire succession as I entered the door. I hated that they could sit out on such a gorgeous night and drink beer without seemingly any care or worry. And they looked civilized and in control and that made me even angrier. I take my dog out for a walk and I am still stewing. We get back, I heat up the leftovers and I feel the tears begin to fall. I sit down at my kitchen table and eat only because I need to and the loneliness creeps in. And I hate that it's here. I feel ashamed after working so hard on dealing with issues around aloneness and self-pity and now it feels like a relapse of some sort. I finish my food, do the dishes and realize how incredibly tired I am. The last 2 days have been non-stop, with a few nights of interrupted sleep. I almost consider not going to a meeting and absolutely know that I MUST get to a meeting.

On the way, I phone my sponsor because I need to talk about my HALT-hissyfit. She is not there and I leave a message and begin to feel calmer simply because I acknowledged what was happening and worked my program by making the call.

The meeting is good and it's great to see this group of folks that I've come to enjoy and we read the 9th Step and have cake for one of our member's anniversaries.

I drive home feeling somewhat settled, hear a message from my sponsor and she won't be available tonight as she has company but will be tomorrow and it's just good to hear her voice. The closer I get to home, I am aware that on the other side of "somewhat settled" is a bubbling and brewing "completely unsettled".

I get in my apartment in plenty of time to do the 10p group prayers for my teacher, Jason and sit down on my meditation pillow, candles all lit, shawl draped over my shoulders. I fold my hands in prayer and utter the word: "God" and that is the only thing that comes out before the damn breaks and a new cascade of "tears beneath the tears" come pouring out. And I am brought straight to the passage I read this morning from Jason's book, which has stayed with me all day -- particularly the closing paragraph:
"The bruised apple is still good for making pies. In other words, trust in the Creator to see the good that even you yourself cannot see. Your sorrows do not need to disappear for you to be good in God's eyes. Therefore you need never hide any part of yourself again."

As I sat in God's presence tonight, I stopped myself once amid all the first set of tears to acknowledge my selfishness of feeling sorry for myself when I was to be praying for Jason and his recovery and healing. So I did that, with all the strength I could muster, and then more tears came. And those lines from the passage were so with me and I kept saying over and over again: "Thank you for loving me God and seeing my goodness amid my bruises and dents. I don't think I'd make a very tasty pie right now, but you don't care about that. And then I was reminded of the 7th Step prayer and how I can ask that God have ALL of me, the good and the bad. And that was comforting. And more tears came and no words, then a few words and more tears. And finally, I was just able to ask God to help carry my hungry, angry, lonely, tired for me. And that even with all of this discomfort, I really did know God loves me and that made me cry even more.

Yesterday my healer did a very powerfully deep healing that dropped us into the rootedness of the Tree of Life, Malchut. It has a lot to do with being in the Truth of oneself. I think that what occurred for me this evening had a lot to do with the territory of that healing. It is no longer acceptable for me, out of integrity, to try to stuff or push away or hide the kinds of feelings that arose. In the past, I would've wanted to ignore or totally deny that they existed, mostly out of pride or out of shame. I may have even tried to quickly manage them using the Program tools and this, to me, at least in tonight's case, felt like it would be a spiritual by-pass. "To thine own self be true." My truth tonight needed to be felt and seen and acknowledged -- by me and in the presence of God. I can already feel the healing in this.

I am merely one of God's bruised apples. And he loves me anyway.

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