Powerlessness over Others

grains of water
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In this morning's AA meeting, the speaker shared how, as a recovering alcoholic, she still struggles significantly with Step 1 as it pertains to her relationships. The topic of discussion that ensued was our powerlessness over others. I listened and took in the sharing. I did not realize how my day would unfold and how this very subject would play out in 2 of my friendships.

In both situations, my character defects and my historical wounds would be reflected back to me, as if looking at myself in an old mirror with many cracks.

In the case of one friend, in her current state of brokenness she attempted with great manipulation to pull me toward her, in what felt like an effort to save herself. The stronger the force and the more she "upped the anty" (i.e. expressing threats of suicide), the more I planted my feet, as if roots were shooting out of my soles, into the ground beneath me. I said little, yet listened carefully. This is what my healer has modeled for me. To move away from myself in an interaction such as this would be an attempt to both exert my power and control over my friend in an effort to save my own self from not being able to bear the presence of her suffering. This is quite significant for me, given my care-taker/rescuer history. Even more compelling, however, is this: she mirrored for me the face of self-pity. How, when we are in this place, we want company in our misery. We take hostages. We want desperately to be saved from ourselves because the loneliness and isolation that we've created in the process feels intolerable. I have walked in her footsteps. Perhaps not to the extent or with the same kind of intensity as what she presents, but nonetheless, pity is pity no matter how much you try to dress it up.

To admit powerlessness over another is not about defeat. It is about acknowledging that I do not have the ability to control another's actions, behaviors, attitudes, thoughts or anything else. It is a letting go with love. It involves being personally detached yet still in connection and located within myself. It also is about not fixing or changing or adjusting, but rather letting the other be exactly where they are while I am exactly where I am. This is no easy feat. It takes a lot of energy and focus to not move out from myself toward another who is in pain. As my sponsor so wisely advised today: "you don't have to offer a whole shoulder to cry on, but simply an ear to listen". This feels like good self-care, without being selfish.

My other friend is dealing with a spouse who has had several relapses with alcohol and drugs. He is in the throws of chaos in his family and desperately trying to keep the entire unit in one piece, by what feels like a very loose thread. He too mirrored a very familiar and painful aspect of my past to me, having partnered with someone who abused substances. In talking with him, I can feel the ways in which there was this frenzy inside, attempting to make sense out of insanity. Like a dog chasing its tail in circles. I could also feel the ways in which I believed I could outwit and overpower the disease of addiction in my partner by projecting my anger onto her and having unrealistic expectations coupled with empty threats. My friend is engaging in some of these things too, yet thankfully to his credit, he is being supported by an Al-Anon sponsor. He, unlike me, is coming to the painful understanding that he is indeed powerless over this disease in his wife. He isn't quite ready to raise the white flag just yet, but he is willing to begin looking at the face of the reality of his life. Witnessing my friend's experience first-hand is heartening and humbling and healing. It has, to some extent, fostered some of the softening I have experienced about my former circumstances with my ex and to really own my part.

I realize that, in the past, what was so seductive about being a care-taking rescuer was the illusion of control over another. Arrogance and superiority were at the heart of this, camoflauged by what appeared as being a kind and caring person. My ego was fed by
"needing to be needed". In the meantime, my soul was starving for attenton. I had completely abandoned that part of me to save another and save myself in the process.

A prayer inspired by this post tonight:
God, I am powerless over others and over my disease and all its isms. Please help me to remember this each time I encounter another in pain. To abandon myself in order to rescue another is to abandon you, God. When I align with you and turn things over to your care, I am doing the kindest act I can for those I love and for myself. Amen.