48 years and 1 day on earth ...

Sunset surfing
Originally uploaded by Alec Rain

The entry to my 48th birthday took place at my non-dual healing school. An intimate, laughter-filled celebration the night before with these souls I've traveled with for four years took place in my hotel room, followed by a beautiful chorus of "Happy Birthday" sung by my entire class on the actual morning of my birthday.

The essence of the healing retreat was about a particular territory on the Tree of Life, Malchut, and our descent there ... wanting to enter life and meet life fully, as it is. It is about meeting our humanity and the true compassion in doing that in every, single moment.

I felt the embodiment of this descent into my life as it is on this very birthday. Part of this was about speaking my truth with the woman I love and she with me while on this retreat. We had the bravest dialogues we've ever engaged in for the entire time we've known one another. Our process of negotiating our relationship has entered into a place of "I don't know" ... not of ambivalence but of the honest fact of it. That we each do not come with a guarantee. Much of this has to do with the willingness to really be in life with one another, with the knowledge that each of us will die. This reality of life and death is also what the descent into Malchut entails. I want to take this leap into the unknown with this woman I love.

Another aspect of this reality is that I am still traveling solo in this journey. For now. For this moment. In honoring myself in the process, particularly on my birthday, I traveled to a quaint bed and breakfast last evening. After settling my few things into my room, I strolled the beach at sunset. I deeply took in the wafts of sea spray and beach air into my nostrils and my being. I loved the feel of the soft sand between my toes. I walked the tiny boardwalk to a dinner spot recommended by a few folks. I got an oceanview table on the restaurant's huge balcony. As I sat awaiting my meal, I thanked God for this wild, glorious, turbulent, exciting 48 year ride. It was a miracle that I should sit here in this moment. I felt the celebration of where I've traveled from and I felt the bittersweetness of loss and longing. I welcomed all of these things to join me for my birthday dinner. The greatest surprise of the night was a not-so-chance meeting of a Turkish family seated next to me. We chatted like long lost family. When they found out it was my birthday, they had a cake and ice cream brought out and sang to me. They invited me to sit with them as they gathered for their Father's Day celebration. This is the blessing and gift, I believe, of wanting to meet life right where it is.

I walked home along the ocean with the bright moon at my back. I slept with a beaming smile around my heart.

I will walk downstairs momentarily to enjoy a hot breakfast on the sun porch and then bask in the light of the Universe as I spend my day on the beach, with no plans and no expectations.

48 years and 1 day on earth is exactly where I am supposed to be ...