Open-Heartedness

~ Tricks For Treats ~
Originally uploaded by ViaMoi
I have been experiencing deeply felt open-hearted tenderness over the past 24 hours. What has moved me the most is the allowance of deeply taking in others, feeling myself feel the beauty right in front of me.

This morning, I open my teacher Jason's book. And this is the passage: "Having an 'open heart' does not mean being 'happy'. It does not mean being spiritual or wise or anything at all. It means to have an open attitude toward ourselves."

No freakin way. You just can't make this shit up !

My experiences of the past day have truly been a gentle kindness toward my own self and the desire to be fully engaged in life from this place. Jason goes on in his passage to say this: "The action we want is love-in-action, the extending of the hand of friendship toward our own being." Yesterday, I went to see a client of mine who's been at a more institutional type place due to a recurrence in mental health symptoms and a need for respite until a more structured setting can be procured for him. This is the very place I first met him last summer. My last 2 visits involved him screaming as soon as he saw me and asking me to leave. I felt like I was not doing something right or that I failed him in some way, as we've always had a strong connection. On my drive there yesterday, I realized that I was taking his instability personally and that this was not about me but simply about what he is able to tolerate right now. I softened on my drive, recognizing my character defect of perfectionism seeping through, and I could literally feel my heart open toward this imperfect part of myself. I entered the building to see him while being in this very open, vulnerable place. Instead of forcing an interaction, I quietly came to the dayroom where he was and sat nearby. He looked over and said: "Hey ... what's up?" He walked over and hugged me, a very soft embrace with all that he could muster up in his very sedated state. It was the most beautiful interaction I had ever had with him and it was effortless. We sat outside in "our spot" from last year and he eventually asked me when he was leaving this place and could we do our deep breathing. And here's the thing: I had nothing to do with this. It was about letting my heart open to myself and my need to have things be a certain way, and really letting go. And this beautiful young man had enough room to just be himself too. What an invaluable lesson.

The last part of this passage is what really dropped me to my knees: "This morning, bow down to yourself. It is not a selfish or egotistical thing to do -- you are bowing to your real self, with all of its whole and broken pieces."

I went to my bathroom mirror and looked into my own eyes. I bowed to the woman I saw across from me. I saw her, probably for the first time, in this way. I can't even believe that it is possible to see oneself in such a loving, tender, sweet way. The tears streamed down my face as I told my real self that I accept her -- all parts -- the charming, humorous ones and the broken, small self, selfish ones.

I had no idea how powerful and touching it could be to experience true open-heartedness.